From My Heart

(Lean On Me)

I was getting ready for church this morning and, as is customary for me, I started to think. It seems I do some of my best thinking as I am getting ready for the day. I have wanted to say some words about why I have not yet posted about our trip to London.

We were in London from March 12 – March 17. It was a time filled with wonderful site seeing, my 66th birthday walking along the Thames River and crossing the Tower Bridge along with Tom, Joe, Maria and Louise, meeting Joe’s sister, Peggie, and being so graciously hosted in her home, and meeting Peggie’s extended family, who so warmly helped me celebrate my birthday.

While we did not have internet access during that time, I know that was not the only reason I have not posted about London. My original plan and goal was to compose posts in Word so I would be able to capture the excitement and beauty of each day as it happened. Then I would just have to copy and paste them into my blog and add pictures and videos.

But, on the first day of site seeing, just outside Westminster Abby, I fell and hurt my left arm (I was run over by a pram/buggy and ended up in the street) and as I thought about it this morning, I knew I wanted to say that it, regretfully, defined the remainder of the time in London.

Tom, Joe, Peggie and Maria all thought it was a good idea for me to go to the ER. I knew I should and I didn’t want to. They ended up taking x-rays and while a break did not show up, there were indications that the tip of a bone had chipped and I left ER with a sling. There was nothing else to do.

While my arm hurt, the hardest part was losing my independence. I had no strength in my arm, I couldn’t turn or twist my arm, couldn’t get dressed alone, open a jar, cut my meat, and the things I could do made my arm hurt. I wanted to hold onto someone to walk because the thought of stumbling or falling again was frightening and unacceptable.

Absolutely everyone accommodated me. They were kind and helpful, compassionate and caring. I was a brave and good girl. I said my mother’s line when faced with adversity, “It’s just another role to play,” and I wanted that to take care of how I felt too. But, it didn’t.

I felt bad. I hurt. I didn’t like needing help. I didn’t like having my energy taken from me as I accommodated the pain. I didn’t want to worry about falling again. I wanted to be me. I wanted to be the me I know. I don’t have pain as a rule. I always say “I don’t do pain.”

So, I guess what I am trying to say is that when I look back on London and all the places I saw and visited, it has been through the eyes of a me I don’t know very well. And, I expected myself to be able to be the me I am usually able to be.

My hope is that writing this will take away some of what is in the way of being able to feel the beauty and excitement of London and be able to do my posts with the good feelings that were under the pain.

I asked God this morning, “What is it I am supposed to learn from this?” I know there is always something I am to learn when I experience something that is hard for me. I may not know for a long time what that is, but I know there is something.

So, that is it! A short story made long perhaps. But, that is how I do it. I have talked out loud to anyone who reads this, and you got the long version………..you got the paragraphs and not just the headline or abbreviated version…..

Because that is how I do it!

Thanks for reading words from my heart. I feel better and I wanted you to know why I hadn’t written about London. It really was spectacular and now I think I can write about it from the “inside” and not the “outside.” And, as they do in London……..x x…...

I really do love that…….kiss…………..kiss!

Thanks Tom, Joe, Peggie, Maria and Louise for letting me lean on you!