Simple Things

When I was a student at the University of Minnesota I took an art education course as part of my elementary education curriculum. For those of you who don't know, I used to teach.

The instructor for that art education course was from India. He would speak softly and, when he spoke, he spoke of simplicity. I was hypnotized by his voice, his gentleness and his use of the word......simplicity. Over and over he would emphasize simplicity. I never forgot it. I can feel myself in that classroom listening to him even as I sit here forty six years later.

I have always known, somewhere inside me, that life is about the simple things. Simple things make me smile and bring me peace.

You know, I just figured something out that I have been wanting to say and didn't know exactly what it was.

Senses.....it is all about senses...that is what it is.....senses....

It is about what we see and hear and smell and taste and touch....the simple things that are always available to us. For example....

When I was shopping with my daughter, Kara, yesterday, we were in a store and all of a sudden we smelled the most wonderful fragrance. We looked for it and learned that lovely smell was coming from one of those diffusion things....the bottle of stuff that you put the reeds into? I had to find out if I could buy some and I could and I did. I am going to put it where I spend so much of my time. It will greet me every time I come to my basement to watch tv or be on my laptop.

And....

Earlier this morning my 97 year old dad called me just to talk. He said he hadn't talked to me for a while because he was at my older sister's house. Hearing his voice made me smile. He said "I love you Judy." It always sounds the same way.

And....

A little bit ago I ate my lunch. It was just a simple sandwich and a few chips and some pink lemonade. The sandwich was soft, the chips were crisp and the lemonade was tart. I tasted them all.

And....

When Sarah shaved her head because of the chemo I chose to not shave my head because I thought the boys would need someone to look regular. So, I chose to let my hair grow. Slowly, I am getting more and more hair after years of wearing it short. I touch it and wonder what it will be like to have someone brush my hair when it is long. I used to brush my mom's hair and that makes me smile just remembering it.

And....

The world, for me, is like a giant stage. There is always something to see....to look at...to capture your imagination, take you into your dreams or simply make you smile.

The other day, I got to see Jackson discover the little bench by the front door and find the doorbell. Ding dong...ding dong...ding dong...over and over. It was a sound I have heard each of the grandchildren make. Ding dong...ding dong....ding dong. It doesn't always bring a smile but there is something about watching a child discover the doorbell.

Below are some pictures of Jackson as he turns two and a lovely young deer that spent hours in our back yard yesterday.

Jackson enjoying the bench

Jackson doesn't stay long in any one place

Jackson ringing the doorbell


Somebody is pretty proud of himself

The deer looking right at me

The deer nibbling on the leaves

How pretty she looks with the sunlight shining on her

Yep, it is all about the senses and the simple things!

Special Stuff....So Many Blessings

It is quiet right now. I am quiet right now. It is Friday afternoon. The sun is shining. I am looking out the window and seeing the beautiful green of spring and reflecting on the events of this week.

At the beginning of the week I was holding myself together as I anticipated Sarah's third chemo treatment. Her second chemo treatment was so awful and the side effects were so many and pretty much constant that the thought of heading into another treatment was pure dread. There was no choice but to go toward it one step at a time and just get through it and hope for the best.

That part of my week was hard. I know all about having a good attitude and not getting ahead of yourself. Don't project. Think positive thoughts. Take things one day at a time. Oh, I know all about those things.

And, you know what? Sometimes, you just can't talk yourself out of your feelings. Sarah and I both felt dread from the inside out.

So, one might wonder why the title of this post is "Special Stuff....So Many Blessings."

Well, you see, good things happen too! And, good things happened this week. So, as I sit here being quiet on a beautiful sunny and green spring day, it is the good things I want to write about.

First of all, last weekend, our dear friends, Steve and Kathy, called and asked if they could stop by. Steve and Kathy are the kind of friends that even if you haven't seen them or talked to them for months, you just pick up where you left off. Now, if you are me, that is with kisses and hugs and I love you's.....thennnnnnnnnn you talk about other things.

Steve and Kathy brought us a beautiful gift. They know what we are going through. They know Sarah. They know Dave and the kids. They know how to love and they give from their hearts. They are two of the kindest people I have ever been lucky enough to meet. We have been friends for over twenty years.

Below is the lovely lovely gift they gave Tom and me. I hope you can read what it says because it is perfect for what is happening in our lives right now. If you click on the picture it will enlarge.

Kathy and Steve holding their gift to us

The gift close up

And, that wasn't all the special stuff to happen either. Remember, I said Sarah and I were dreading her third chemo treatment because the second chemo was so awful?

Well, chemo number three turned out to be great!! It was just great! Sarah, Kara (Sarah's sister), and I think it is because we had them slow down the chemo drip. Sarah didn't experience any side effects during the treatment and we talked and laughed with other patients for the several hours we were there.

As you can see in the next picture, Sarah and one of the other chemo patients, Lynn, were really having fun. Oh, yes.........a lot of fun. I am not sure there have ever been any other patients who have done a pole dance during chemo!

Sarah and Lynn doing a pole dance with Sarah's IV pole

The next picture is of Kara, Sarah and me during chemo. Sarah was relaxed, a little tired, but so happy. The dread was washed away as we realized this treatment was going to be better.

But, the special thing about this picture is that all three of us are wearing necklaces that a friend of mine made and sent to me all the way from Texas. Her name is Sylvia. And, she is a special person.

I have never met Sylvia. We met online and yet we feel like family. She has followed Sarah's story and asked if she could send her something. Little did I know Kara and I would receive such a beautiful gift too.

Sylvia made each of us a special necklace with the cancer ribbon on it. Sarah's necklace says Sarah on it. Mine says Daughter on it. And, Kara's says Sister on it. I was so touched by this gift and felt so blessed.

We all wore our necklaces to the chemo treatment. Here you go Sylvia! A picture of us wearing your necklaces.

Kara, Sarah and me wearing our necklaces

And, the week and the blessings still weren't over. On this quiet and beautiful Friday morning as I sat and drank my coffee, the phone rang. It was Davey. Here is how our conversation went..
.

Hello....

Hi Gramma...

Well, hi punkin...how are you?

Good....Gramma, I want you to come to school for lunch today...

Well.....that might work...I haven't talked to mommy yet to see how she is feeling...

Ohhhhhhh, right...someone has to take care of mommy today...I forgot about that...

But, maybe it could work punkin....

Well...do you like cinnamon rolls gramma?

I love cinnamon rolls...

Then, today is your lucky day! We are having homemade whole wheat cinnamon rolls for lunch today!

Well, punkin, do I have to tell you right now if I can come or not? I have to wait and talk to mommy first....

Well...........

How about I talk to mommy and see how she is feeling and then I can call the school and tell them if I can come to lunch or can't come to lunch and they can get the message to you?

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that is a great idea!

And, off Davey went to school. As it turned out, mommy was feeling great when she woke up today........we suspect it was a steroid high.........but it lasted long enough that both she and I were able to go to Davey's school for lunch today and it really was my lucky day (the cinnamon roll was fabulous)... thanks punkin...you made mommy's and my day very special!

Davey (punkin to me) wearing one of mommy's head wraps which he loves to do

I am blessed....I am so blessed....family and friends surround me....I sit here in the quiet and the stillness and my insides are calm....yep....special stuff...pretty special stuff....

What I Wrote In Sarah's Caringbridge Site Today

Thursday, May 27, 2010 7:22 AM, CDT

Hi everyone...this is Judy, Sarah's mom...

Sarah is sound asleep and I will be waking her soon. Today is chemo day. Today is chemo day # 3. We are ready for it!

She had a great visit with Dr. Migliori yesterday afternoon. He gave her a double injection and a lot of his time. She just loves him. He always makes her feel good and yesterday she really needed that.

Sarah mentioned in her post yesterday that she had a blood draw in the morning. It was a hard experience due to some apparent miscommunications within the hospital and where the blood draw was to take place. When Sarah did get to the right place the nurse who did the draw missed the port and Sarah ended up in tears. The nurse felt horrible because she had to poke Sarah twice. She said that rarely happens and she felt so horrible that if Sarah wanted to hit her, that would be ok.

Sarah didn't hit her. Funny thing...the experience was a little traumatic and when Sarah talked to Dr. Migliori about it, he said that shouldn't have happened. We are all human beings and things like that do happen, but it shouldn't have and he is going to follow up on it.His understanding of what anyone going through this is like is wonderful.

I have to stop for now. It is time to get ready. And, something really nice just happened. My sister, Linda, called. Bri's mom. Bri died of cancer in February. She just wanted to say she was in prayer for Sarah and me today. Some things just make you cry. That is all it took.

We are going to do this today. Resolve is unmistakeable. It takes such consciousness to walk this path. There is a goal out there. We are keeping our eyes on it and walking this path. We will reach the goal. We will look back and say...we did this!

For today...we are taking the next step...Chemo #3 here we come!

Let's do this!

Here Today Zoo Tomorrow

Sarah had plans for this weekend....big plans....plans that were going to make her last weekend, before her third chemo, fun.

She wanted to go to the Milwaukee Zoo with Dave and the boys. They would drive to Milwaukee Saturday, stay overnight and then visit the zoo today. It would be a nice getaway before chemo on Thursday.

She made the plans and told the boys Friday night, when she was feeling good. Excitement was in the air....something to look forward to....something they would do if things were normal.

But, chemo changes things. Chemo changes everything.

Chemo creates a new normal. Chemo creates a new reality....a reality that creeps up on you and changes your understanding of normal.

"The Friday night feeling good normal" became "the Saturday morning I don't feel good at all new normal."

She couldn't do it. She couldn't go. She was too tired. She didn't feel good. She had to tell the boys. The boys had woken up at 4:15 a.m., waited until 6:15 a.m. to wake Sarah and Dave up. They had packed their little bags and were ready to travel.

She had to tell them she couldn't do it....she couldn't go...she didn't feel well enough.

They made other plans. Daddy could take them to the Minnesota zoo while Mommy slept. But, Mommy could take them to Target for a little while in the morning.

We are never prepared for what children understand....and how they are able to think things through and come up with the things they say.

When Sarah was at Target, Derek (5) asked Sarah if he could buy something. Davey (6) leaned over to Derek and said, "Derek, we aren't thinking about ourselves right now."

No, we are never prepared for what children understand.

Two Things That Make Me Smile

I love the differences between what we call things here and what they are called in Ireland...

Two new examples of this are.....

The other day I was talking to Joe, our friend in Ireland, and he said he had to change the clock in his kitchen to say the correct time. It is high on his kitchen wall and he said he would have to stand on the "hop up." I thought...what? Oh, a step stool. Still makes me smile!

Then, a while ago, we were talking about roads. Joe said something about the dual carriageway. That is what we call a two lane highway. And, what we call a freeway, Joe calls a motorway.

Why does dual carriageway sound so much more romantic than two lane highway?

Now, only moments after I wrote this, I stand corrected.

Dual carriageways can also have two lanes of traffic in each direction with a median (or central reservation) between the lanes.

The new piece I just learned is the lane on the left, closest to the central reservation, is reserved for "overtaking."

Here we just pass the slow cars.

Today

I don't know what to write. I want to write. As soon as I write something I delete it. Nothing looks right when I sit here and look at my words on the screen. Yet, it feels like there is something that wants to come out.

I love sleeping because when I am sleeping I am not thinking or feeling.

I look out the window as I sit here and see the sun shining through the trees. The leaves aren't moving. There isn't much of a breeze.

I wonder if I will see deer today. Maybe I will see the ducks that visit and eat the bird seed that has fallen from the bird feeder.

My thoughts wander. I am trying to keep my feelings at bay.

The day looms out in front of me with no doctor appointments to keep me busy and my mind occupied.

In the beginning, when Sarah was diagnosed with cancer, there was a feeling of we are going to take care of this. We did. Sarah did.

There were things to do. Get an MRI. Meet with the surgeon. Meet with the plastic surgeon. Meet with the oncologist. Have a double mastectomy. Heal from the surgery. Go to chemo class. Get a port. Go look at wigs. Buy a wig. Buy head wraps and cozies. Watch while Sarah shaved her head in stages because it was inevitable she would lose her hair. Watch while Sarah got injections for her reconstruction.

There were things to do. There was so much to learn. There was so much to remember. It felt like we were doing something. It felt like we were doing the things that gave us some control.

See, this is where I don't have the words. I want to delete now. But, I won't. Because if I did I wouldn't have any better words to put on my screen. It is like when you want to throw up but can't. Maybe this is the cancer dry heaves.

We are waiting now. Chemo has started. Sarah has had two chemo treatments. And, she is feeling worse than she did when she didn't know she had cancer. She felt fine when she didn't know she had cancer. Now that we are doing everything in our power to make her as well as she can be, it feels worse. She feels worse.

I want to delete.

I can't be inside her skin. She can't be inside my skin. There is a powerful sense of us sharing this because we are going through this together.....each from our own side. In this togetherness there is a loneliness.

Now, I really want to delete.

Because all of a sudden I feel.

I guess that is what wanted to come out.

A Little Story

Dave and the boys came over tonight. Dave brought a meal provided by one of their friends. They had a mission to take care of. The mission was to take Sarah back home with them. She has been staying with me for eight nights since her second chemo treatment.

The side effects from her second chemo treatment have subsided now and she feels well...one might say she feels normal....or is normal relative?

All we know is she was missing her family and they were missing her, and she was well enough and strong enough to go home with them tonight. That is so good!!!

The tradition is that before the little boys leave my house they always get a little snack size baggy of Pringles to take in the van for the ride home.

I was getting the Pringles ready and Davey, (6), was standing by me.

I said, "I love you punkin."

He looked at me.

I said, "Someday, soon , I will tell you that with my whole voice."

(I have bad laryngitis tonight and can hardly make a sound)

He looked at me and whispered, "It doesn't matter."

The look on his face had such love and compassion and understanding.

Was it before or after they left I felt a tear in my eye.

Sarah's Mother's Day Letter To Me

Thank you, Mom, for being the kind of mom I want to be.

Thank you, Mom, for taking me into your home, willingly and lovingly, while I recover from a double mastectomy, port surgery, and 4 rounds of chemo.

Thank you, Mom, for turning your living room into a recovery room for an unknown length of time.

Thank you, Mom, for taking care of me. For helping me with my drugs. For making sure I eat right. For making sure I sleep when I should.

Thank you, Mom, for coming to all of my appointments, for taking notes and asking questions. Then telling me what was said, even though I was there.

Thank you, Mom, for bringing the fun to the appointments.

Thank you, Mom, for being a great mother-in-law.

Thank you, Mom, for being a great grandma, and for making my boys feel special.

Thank you, Mom, for loving me. No matter what. Through thick and thin. Through cancer and chemo and hair loss. Through laughter and tears.

Thank you, Mom, for listening when I talk and when I cry. And for hearing me when I don’t.

Thank you, Mom, for saying that it’s OK that we didn’t get to celebrate your birthday or Mother’s Day this year. Because I’m alive.

I love you, Mom. I praise God for you!

Happy Mother’s Day!

Sharing and Shaving...or...Sharing the Shaving

Sunday was Mother's Day. Sarah has been at my house, since the Friday before, when she had her second chemo treatment. Dave and the boys came to visit and we were able to get a few pictures that make it clear why Sarah is doing chemo.

Her cancer was removed when she had her bilateral mastectomy, but with a 19% chance of recurrence, there was never a doubt but that she would do chemo.

Davey (6), Derek (5) and Jackson (22 months) make it worth whatever Sarah has to go through to assure them she is going to be around a long time. And, Dave is behind that 100 %. It is a life event, cancer and chemo, that has altered all our lives every minute of the day and night.

Below are some pictures and a video from the last few days.

Sarah with Derek, Davey and Jackson on Mother's Day

Dave with Derek and Davey on Mother's Day

Ah, this is how picture taking usually goes : )

Sarah shaving her head yesterday...she woke up and the little bit of hair remaining had started to hurt....so off it came

Sarah with Jackson yesterday...the kids don't even seem to notice anymore

And, here is a little video of Sarah shaving her head

Welcome to my world everyone! I mean that with pride and gratitude and true appreciation !

Update On Sarah....Post Second Chemo

Sarah's second chemo treatment was very different than the first one. The first chemo treatment was like a party. It went so well. Little did we know that the second chemo would be so different.

Sarah is NEVER cold. Sarah is ALMOST ALWAYS too hot. Well, Sarah was cold almost the whole time during the second chemo. In the picture below you can see that Sarah had on a quilt, a little blanket, a heated blanket provided by the nurse and something on her head to keep her head warm.


Below is the Caringbridge entry I wrote on Sarah's behalf today. I wanted to post it on my blog, as well, for those who don't go to Sarah's Caringbridge website.

Dr. Migliori, Sarah's plastic surgeon, said it would hit her someday. The feelings would hit her. And, he was right.

Sarah is riding the low part of the roller coaster the last couple of days.

Sarah is sad....mostly about losing the last of her hair. She used some special tape to hold her wig on securely last week and, when she took her wig off, the tape took some of her remaining hair off as well. That has left some splotchiness on her head. And, her hairline at her forehead is losing hair. We thought about shaving her head, but we can't do that. It is too risky as she has to avoid anything that could possibly give her a scratch or a cut that could get infected.

There is something final about losing the last of her hair. She has had fun with taking charge of losing her hair.....re: the mohawk...but this is different now. Her hair doesn't hurt like it did when she had the mohawk, but she hurts inside. I see it in her eyes and she tells me.

Dr. Migliori said it would hit her. It is. I told her she can take some time to just feel...to just be...sleep...cry...do nothing...let her feelings have a voice...and she is.

On the physical side she pretty much feels like she has the flu 24 hours a day. She wants to eat but nothing sounds good. She is starting to have the muscle aches today and we learned from the nurse practitioner that she can take Oxycodone for those. That was great news! And, the yukky taste in her mouth started today. The nurse practitioner recommended making a mix of water, salt and baking soda to gargle. Sucking on sugar free mints helps too.

She also has a cough. She called Jayne, Dr. Zander's nurse and Jayne called in a prescription for an antibiotic. Her blood levels will be dropping in the next week and after the last chemo her while blood cell count went down to zero. She had NO infection fighting cells. So, caution prevails right now!

She looks at me and says, "I'm sorry mom. It is harder for you. If I were sitting where you are it would be hard to feel so helpless. I would hate to see you going through this."

I would take this from Sarah, in a heartbeat, if I could.

Sarah ends her posts with.......

Let's do this people!

She is doing this! She is my brave, strong, courageous, inspirational child with such a big giving heart and a wonderful attitude.

Somedays are just hard and that is ok to let it show.

I love you Sarah!
mom
xo

Let's do this....all of this....feelings and all!

Left Right Left Right + Postscript

I slept last night. I prayed for that. I asked God as I lay in the dark to please let me sleep through the night without waking up at 2:00 again. He answered my prayer.

I didn't want strength to get through another day. I wanted sleep. With sleep I will have the strength to get through another day.

Today is a full day. At 11:30 I am going to get my yearly mammogram. This year it is not just a routine appointment. Sarah had her routine mammogram in February and, following my mammogram appointment today, Joe and I will be taking Sarah to Piper Breast Center for the implantation of her port.

What is a port? It is a quarter sized thing implanted in her chest so that chemo can be injected into her body. No, there is no longer such a thing as a routine mammogram in this family.

Sarah will be having a regimen of chemo that involves four chemo treatments. They will be given to her three weeks apart if all goes well. If there are no complications she will be done with chemo around the end of July. If there are complications, such as dehydration or infection , chemo can be interrupted.

Chemo starts in two days, April 16.

Today is as far as I can get. It is Wednesday. I can only take one step at a time. I can do left..right..left...right...left...right. If I keep doing that I will reach nightfall and the days events will be behind me.

Left.....take a shower

Right.......go to my mammogram appointment

Left.....eat lunch

Right.....meet Sarah at Piper Breast Center at 2:00

Left.....get Sarah checked in for her port surgery

Right.....wait in the waiting room for Sarah's surgery to be over

Left....see Sarah in recovery

Right.....bring Sarah home to my house for the night

Left.....get settled in at home

Right....kiss my sweet daughter good night and tuck her in

Left....go to bed

Right....pray for sleep as I lay in the dark

See?

Left...right...works...

One step at a time....

Gets you where you need to go....

Always.

Postscript..........

Laughing I think! Did I mention detours and running into the unexpected things along the path as we go left...right...left...right?

I have new left...rights now...just an hour after I did my post.

Sarah is no longer coming home to my house following her port surgery. She is going to go home to her house. Derek needs her. All the boys need her. They need her home.

So, my left...rights will be different than I thought today.

I know to stand still when my course changes and get the layout of the new road before I take my next step.

Stand still and breathe.

That is my next step.

Stand still and breathe.

Sometimes

Sometimes I just want to talk to my mom.

From Sarah's Caring Bridge Site Journal + Note From Mom

I couldn't get to sleep last night. Despite the pain pills. I think it's because Mom shut off the lights unusually early. Like 10:30 p.m.!

So I laid there in the dark. And every 2 hours I got up to take more pills.

And I thought about how lucky I am. And the many, many blessings I have received since this diagnosis.For one, my mom. Mom and I have had some really wonderful time together. She is with me all the time. She helps me with everything. But my favorite part is when we go to bed, and lay there together, holding hands and talking. Like it's a slumber party. This is one of the biggest blessings I've gotten out of this whole thing.

Another blessing is being able to spend so much time with Joe. He came from Ireland, for me. To be with ME! He's been there for every little thing. Including pre-op, post-op, the hospital stay, and all the time we've had together since I've come home to Mom's house. It's nice to just "be" with Joe. When we're not rushing, chasing after the boys, or at Perkin's. :) There is so much to love about Joe, and I get to learn more every day.

I've also fallen in love with Dave in a new way. I almost feel like we're meeting again for the first time. My love for him is grounded and yet so fresh. It's nice for me to see him every day when he brings the boys over. Dave is being his regular, wonderful self. I've just got a fresh appreciation for all that he does and all that he is. I am so lucky. He is the best husband in the world. :)

I miss my kids. That, itself, is a blessing . As a stay at home mom, I don't get the opportunity to miss them. ;) I actually MISS them. And I'm excited to see them every day after school. What a blessing. I love my boys. I really do.

Another blessing for me has been my friends. Some friendships have been strengthened and some new friendships have been made. I have been on the receiving end of the best side of people.

I feel so lucky and blessed.Those are some of the best blessings I've received so far. There are more. I'll talk about those later. :)

Today I see Dr. Migliori. I don't know why he's seeing me, but I've got a list of questions for him. I'm sure he will be part of my blessing list later today.

Thank you ALL. Thank you ALL for everything that you do for me. Big and small. Loud and quiet. Signed and initialed.You all are blessings to me.

Let's do this!

We're doing this!

*****Note to Sarah from mom******

I love you sarah. We all, me, dad, joe, dave, the kids and your friends didn't know what to expect. You didn't know what to expect. This whole thing has been and continues to be a whirlwind of emotions and needs of multiple dimensions. It and you have touched us all physically, emotionally and spiritutally.

You have written from the beginning.......LET'S DO THIS!

You have done this! We have done this! We will continue to do this! All of us!

And, my sweet child, I can feel your hand in mine as I sit here and wait to hear your breathing change so I will know you are finally sleeping and getting some needed rest.

I love you...shhhh...nite nite! xo

My Best Birthday Present

Yes.....today is my birthday! And, I got the best birthday present a mother could get. My daughter is cancer free!

Cancer free!

C A N C E R F R E E

A birthday present I didn't know I would enjoy so much is my beautiful cancer free daughter on drugs............

Here is what she said to me a few minutes ago.....

"Mom, so many people on facebook are wishing you a Merry Christmas...I mean Happy Birthday whatever your name is."

Thank you Sarah! I love you!

Love
Mom
xo

God Is Good.......

I am writing this post from the couch in my fireplace room. As I look out the back window I see some blue sky ... mostly clouds .. but as I look into the front room I see my daughter. I see Sarah sitting in the bed I made for her.

There is some soft music playing....she is sitting up doing something on her laptop....the lights are on.....and in a half hour I will be giving her the next dose of meds .. 11:30 a.m. she will get her muscle relaxant and her antibiotic.

Yes........we are home. Sarah had her surgery last Friday.

I don't even know where or how to begin to tell you. As I try to think of the words sitting here on my couch.......I guess I haven't really talked about it much yet...it has been so busy.....

All I want to do is cry....my throat is thick...my chest is overwhelmed with gratitude for so many things.

Sarah is ok...Sarah is good....Sarah as far as we know, barring the final pathology report, is cancer free. They did the bilateral mastectomy and removed the sentinel node (main gateway to the lymphatic system) and one other node. Both came back negative. When the surgeon told us that that is when I melted. I didn't know I had stopped breathing for so many hours.

I will write more as we settle into a routine. The only routine we have had is to be doing whatever was needed and with my apologies I am so sorry I didn't have the time to do a post. I also know this post will reach understanding hearts.

Sarah is good. Sarah is home at my house right now. Sarah is healing. Sarah is beautiful. Sarah is cancer free.

The story will go on for a long time. We are at the beginning. We will write more chapters and with all my heart I thank everyone for their love, care, support, prayers, pink hair, pink clothes, pink thoughts and all the hugs and kisses...real and virtual.

From my heart,
Judy

Please Wear Pink

Hi everyone..............it is a small thing to ask....some of you have already said you would do this...you said you would wear pink to support my daughter, Sarah, as she faces her day of surgery tomorrow.

If I can sit in the surgery waiting room.....the family lounge.....it will be six hours or so.....and think of all of you wearing something pink.........it would be wonderful!

If you don't have anything pink to wear.........maybe you could just think pink? Maybe even say a prayer or two.

If you want to visit Sarah's caring bridge site......just go to www.caringbridge.org

Sarah's website is ........ sarahww

Just type sarahww into where it says website to visit and then put in your email address and a password. You will be able to read her journal and truly understand what she is facing tomorrow. The guestbook responses have been incredible and so meaningful.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart!

Me with my three pink hair extensions

Session With Myself...Sometimes I Feel Big..Sometimes I Feel Little

I am a big person. I mean like a grown-up. I can do things. I can think things through. I am capable. I work....drive a car....figure things out...solve problems...make things happen....I am efficient....strong.....I am a lot of things. I can do.....if you want something done.....call me....if I can I will....

This has been a time, in the last few weeks, of being all of those things.

Makes me smile. I am an in charge person. Yep...that would be me....a lot of the time.

And, then, this morning.....

I felt overwhelmed........tired.....weary......and I said to myelf......"No...no...no...you can't...you have too much coming up...you have to do things..."

And, then I cried....covered my face with my hands....stopped to breathe...and then cried again...and stopped to breathe....

And, then I said...."Ohhhhhhhhhhhh....ok......ok........ok......."

And, then I knew I would be able to do all that I had to do. I listened to myself. I knew the tears were coming from another part of me.

She is little and scared and vulnerable. And, she just needed me to remember that she was there. And, I could say......"Ok.......I hear you and I won't forget." And, then I breathed. Clear down. And, the tears quieted.

She is pretty sweet and she isn't big at all....but she gives me so much strength and helps me get and stay clear and remain soft.

I am ready now for what is coming. Yes, I am. And, I end all sessions with myself with the same words.

I love you Judy!

A Picture Speaks A Million Words

Sometimes it is hard. The boys feel it. The boys feel something. They just don't have words.


We were all having supper at Perkins tonight after picking Joe up from the airport. Davey said his tummy hurt. But, then he said he burped and he felt better. I know that he has been wanting to snuggle with his mom. If only a burp could make everything better.

If only............

Sunday March 7 Taking Care Of The Boys

(Walking In The Sunshine) Please click to play.

It was a day of sunshine with Davey, Derek and Jackson even though the clouds hung overhead.

After church I went back to their house and watched the boys while Sarah napped. Jackson slept for a long time and I sat outside while Davey and Derek rode their bikes and Davey practiced moves on his scooter.

Here are some pictures from our nice afternoon.

Derek being really scary

Derek making a funny face


Derek being his sweet self

Derek surrounded by snow thanks to gramma's handiwork

Up and down the driveway

Derek on his bike and Davey on his coveted scooter

Davey practicing on his scooter

Davey in action

Davey loves his new helmet

Jackson woke up from his nap to yummy pepperoni pizza

Jackson really really liked his pizza

Man oh man.......was that good!

And, that was the day the boys and I had while mommy napped!

Cute Little Video After Bed Shopping

After shopping for beds, Sarah, Jackson and I went to Perkins for lunch. During lunch Sarah called Joe in Ireland and Jackson had to talk to him. Just imagine....a little 20 month old boy in Minnesota talking to his Godfather in Ireland. The wonders of technology! Jackson is so cute! And, he loves the phone!

Bed Shopping And Room Setup For Sarah's Recovery

What could be more exciting than deciding to put a king size adjustable bed in your living room? Not a lot. Not a lot if you are me. Well, if I stop to think about it I could maybe think of some other things....but this last week that was exactly my mission.

I invited Sarah to join me for the bed shopping. I knew where I wanted to go. I was headed, on Wednesday morning last (that phrasing is so Irish...thank you Joe) , to the factory direct store Comforest, U.S.A. The owner introduced adjustable beds thirty five years ago and they make the beds right there. They have designed their mattress specifically to work on the adjustable base and will custom design the base to specifications to fit the buyer's body within certain parameters.

I ended up purchasing a bed which I knew I would do. Once I tried it I was SOLD!

Sarah will be sleeping on it during her recovery and then it will be moved up to my bedroom. I bet there just might be some nights that I sleep with her so I can take care of her throughout the night.

Dave might spend some nights at home with the boys and get them off to school if they want to keep a little more normal routine....at least some of the time. (Our meeting with Dr. Migliori was so positive that Sarah's recovery seems like it will be shorter and easier than we once thought).

The bed was delivered yesterday. Below are some pictures that show the initial setup and the finished room from different angles.

There is enough room for people to sit and visit and to walk on either side of the bed. The colors are soft and Sarah will be able to have it as dark or light as she wants and with as much privacy as she wants. I was so pleased with how it turned out.



The king size bed has dual x long twin mattresses. The wheels lock and the beds stay together yet can be moved apart easily to make the bed.

The edges of the mattress are designed so even though they meet in the middle you can't feel the split or where they meet. This allows each mattress to be adjusted individually.

Each base can be built to fit partners of different heights and weights. So a 6 ft person living with a 5 ft person would have different bases. I think that is so slick. Each side has a wireless remote so each person can raise and/or lower the head and foot as desired.

We put sheer panels on the glass french doors so Sarah can have privacy even if people are in the adjoining fireplace room. They look so airy and soft and do just what I wanted them to do.

This is the view into the new room from the front door hallway. It is nice because there are solid french doors that can be closed for privacy.

This is how the new sheers look from the fireplace room. They give a nice sense of privacy without feeling like you are being closed off from where people will be when Sarah is resting.

You might wonder what I did with some of the furniture that is usually in my living room. Two wingback chairs and an antique chest were moved into my formal dining room.

I found places for them that make the dining room look ok too. I really didn't want any of the rooms in the house to look like they were storage rooms. I don't think they do.

The two wingback chairs fit perfectly in beside the buffet. That made me really happy.


And, the antique chest went right where it always goes at Christmas time. That was a perfect fit.

Maybe it seems funny to have such a focus right now.

My daughter has cancer.

Saying those words creates feelings of fear and helplessness. When I knew I could bring her and her family home it gave me hope, joy and strength. I felt somehow empowered.

There was something I could control. It felt good. It still does.

The thought of hearing Sarah's sounds in my house, whatever they may be, helps me breathe. Sarah has good sounds. She has a great laugh and I know I will hear it beyond the pain that I know is going to accompany us on this journey.

Creating Sarah's recovery room gave me something to do. I am a doer when I experience a loss or have a fear of a loss. And, boy, did I do! I can now walk toward next week with a sense that everything is going to be ok. And, I know it is. Dr. Migliori has every confidence it will be too.

Every time I read that last sentence I breathe.

Dr. Migliori has confidence it will be ok.

Surgery is Friday, March 12th. And, tomorrow I will go to Sarah's church and hear her read scripture and go home with her and help with the boys.

It will be the beginning of the week that I am entrusting my child to the people who will take care of her when I can't.

God knows too. God will be taking care of all of us. Into Thy hands we commend ourselves.

Getting Ready

I know it is already late and I am on my way to bed. I know I haven't written anything for a day...maybe two...I don't remember.

I worked hard today. I am getting the front room ready for Sarah to come home to recover. I am going to put a bed in the front room. I bought a new bed. It is a Kingsize Comforest Adjustable bed. It has two twin mattresses. Dave will be able to sleep beside her and not disturb her. The boys will, in time, be able to be on one mattress...close to their mom, and not disturb her.

I have bought room darkening shades...sort of .. that I can block out the light in the room. The room can be shut off with french doors.

This is what I can do. I can create a quiet, dark when needed, serene recovery room for my child. I will put a baby monitor in that room so I will be able to hear her if she needs anything.

I can do things. I wish I could take it away. I can't.

Gonna Bring Them Home

It is 12:37 p.m. Just after noon. I am smiling. I am happy. I am relieved. The sun is shining. I talked to Sarah.

I made a suggestion. I said, "I would like you to think about coming here after the hospital for your recovery.....all of you."

She talked to Dave. Dave said, "What a blessing and a gift."

We will figure it out....how to get the boys to school...where everyone will sleep....food...someone will always be here with her.....we will make sure of that.....the problems to solve feel simple now...at least to me.

Now, I am in my element. I am Sarah's mom and I am bringing my daughter and her family home. I can hardly breathe. I am bringing them all home. They are my family and I am bringing them home.

Life's Curbs

What was yesterday? Oh, yes. It was Monday. I can't remember. I thought I didn't talk to Sarah yesterday. Except for late last night. But, I did. She called in the morning to tell me Dr. Migliori's office called. We are going to see Dr. Migliori this Friday. Friday, March 2, 2010.

It was the call we were waiting for. It was a wait that lasted from Friday to Monday. Time has no meaning. Yes, it does. Time means everything right now.

The meeting with Dr. Migliori is the beginning of the next.....how many weeks and maybe months?

Dr. Migliori is the plastic surgeon. Sarah, Dave and I will talk with him about the choice Sarah wants for her reconstruction surgery. He will talk with Dr. Bretzke and then the hospital operating room will be scheduled for her bilateral mastectomy.

It is what we are waiting for. It is what we don't want to be waiting for.

The breast center called Sarah yesterday too. They have scheduled her to meet with the oncologist on Friday, March 26. His name is Dr. Zander. I think that is what Sarah told me late last night. Maybe he isn't a he but a she. We have been told that meeting usually comes two weeks after surgery. That would mean surgery will probably be next week or early in the next week.

Facts...guesses...it is what we have for today...

Except for curbs...I have curbs....life curbs.........

The things that keep me from going over the edge....you know like the curbs along a narrow two lane road in the old days...now the curbs have been replaced with those bumpy things that make noise when you veer too far to the side of the road.....or are coming up to a stop.

My curbs..........family, friends, faith, hope, belief, age, wisdom, laughter, my funny way of seeing things...........curbs........the things that keep me mostly in the center of the road......and the sunshine...and when the sun isn't shining....the sky......

The sky giving me a kiss and a hug.......I love the sky

As I write I am getting back inside myself. I was outside myself when I started. I write and I heal. I think. I feel. And, then I can do. And, I am doing this with my daughter.

She calls me. She has a thought and the phone rings. We talk.

I am back now. I can say that with a smile. It is time to do what I can do for today.

It Has Been One Week...Picture And Sound Track At Bottom

It has been a week...one week...one week...one incredible week..since we learned Sarah has cancer.

I went to the grocery store yesterday. Now, I have been to the grocery store hundreds...maybe even thousands of times..I know my way around a grocery store.

But, yesterday I found myself walking down the aisles, getting to the end and wondering if I needed anything from that aisle. I don't know how many times I backtracked. I had to close my eyes and reopen them to see the items on the shelves. I had to make myself focus. It just goes to show that something we have done successfully hundreds, and maybe even thousands of times, doesn't always come naturally.

So, today is Monday. It is the day we have been waiting for. Today is the day we hope to hear from Dr. Migliori, the plastic surgeon. He is the man we want to hear from. How things proceed depend on his call. He is the next step. He is the next step in our journey to our destination.

The destination............getting it gone...getting it out....being without it...it...it..it..the cancer.

It has been one week...one incredible week...

Here is how it happened..here is what led up to our one incredible week...I don't even know if that sentence makes any sense...keep reading...it might...

2/11 - routine mammogram

2/17 - call to come in and get a 2nd mammogram

2/18 - 2nd mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy

2/22 - diagnosed with breast cancer (the start of our one incredible week)

2/23 - breast MRI

2/25 - met with surgeon, had chest Xray and blood work done

3/1 - monday is finally here and we will be expecting to...
get a call from the plastic surgeon...Dr. Migliori

meet with Dr. Migliori

Dr. Migliori will consult with Dr. Bretzke...the surgeon

they will coordinate their schedules with the operating room availability at Abbott Northwestern Hospital....Sarah's total time in the operating room will be about four hours

Sarah will undergo a sentinel node biopsy to check for any nodes that are affected...a simple mastectomy (bilateral) and reconstruction surgery

prior to surgery Sarah will schedule a pre-op

Sarah will have surgery...time in the hospital will depend on the kind of reconstruction chosen as will the recovery time

Sarah will then have an appointment to meet with an oncologist

Further treatment will depend on what is learned in the surgery

It has been one week...yes...one incredible week and the journey hasn't even really begun yet..amazing......it is like we have just been looking at the map...the map of where we are going and deciding the route we will take...it has been one week!

But, yesterday Kara, Sarah, Dave, Davey, Derek and Jackson came over to the house. I had food. Yep..I had food. Buy food and they will come : )

And, before they went home Davey wanted us all to go up to the Thomas the Train room with the magic lights and be together. (Kara had already gone home by then)

We made a love pile on the bed. All of us, except Grandpa who had the camera, made a love pile.

We laughed and talked and laughed. Then we laughed some more. And, we were together. That is how we do things.

There were six in the bed and the little one said..."I want to jump on Gramma!"

(Sound track from our love pile last night)

The Emotional Tsunami

(Dante's Prayer) Please click to play

Dear God.........Give us.....

it is coming

our peaceful shore is going to be hit

wave by wave

some big

some small

it has not even been a week

we have done a lot

to prepare

we can't stop it

it is coming

even when we don't see the waves

we feel them just below the surface

it is brewing

rumbling

building speed

and power

we are going to be hit

it is coming

it has to come

so it can be over

(I wrote this today in response to emotions that are starting to surface and come in waves as our family faces Sarah's cancer....our family is weathering its own tsunami...)

Gramma Is Available

Sarah, Dave, Davey (6) Jackson (20 months) and Derek (4)


It was 10:10 a.m. and the phone rang.

Gramma........."Hello"

Davey......"Hi"

Gramma....."Hi Punkin! How's my punkin today?"

Davey........"I'm glad you're available."

Gramma...."I'm here honey."

Davey......"I don't want to be alone."

Gramma....."How come?"

Davey....."I'm scared."

Gramma......"Ok darling. I'll be here."

It's 11:10 a.m.

Punkin and I are still together.

He is playing computer games and I am listening.

Every now and then he says something.

I clip my cordless phone onto my shirt and go about the things I think I need to get done.

They will get done.

They always do.

First I will be a gramma.

Life is changing at his house.

I am glad I am available.

Today Turned Out To Be A Good Day

If I start at the beginning of today.........I did not want to wake up or get up or get ready or go to the meeting with the surgeon. I felt exhausted and sick to my stomach. The question of "what will we hear?" loomed big in my mind and filled my air with fear.

Funny how we find ourselves able to wake up, get up, get ready and actually go......why? Because we have to. Because facing our fears is the only way we will find out the real story. And, maybe, just maybe.....the real story won't be as bad as the one we are afraid of.

So, I went.

I went to the Piper Breast Center.

I went to meet the surgeon who will take care of Sarah. I went to be an extra pair of ears and set of eyes. I went to be with my daughter and Dave. I went because there is no other place I wanted to be.


I was there first. Sarah and Dave were on their way. I was greeted by two lovely and kind ladies who made being there ok. One lady was Sybil and she took this picture of me. She also brought me some orange juice to drink in a pretty glass. It made me smile. The other lady was Judy and both their smiles brought a bit of sunshine into a day that felt a little dark.

Sarah had had a pedicure and manicure last night. She had Dave's and the boy's names put on her nails. Every finger and every toe is touched by love. Davey picked out the color for her toenails. It is a lovely, lovely bright blue. Now that makes me smile!

Sarah loved the nurse who came in to take her medical history. Her name was Karen. Sarah told her she was pretty and had soft hands. Sarah told her, "I just want to touch you." Sarah tells people what she is thinking. Isn't that nice? The world needs Sarah!

It was hard to wait. We all wanted the surgeon to come in and we didn't want her to come in. I looked at Sarah and saw agony. I saw my scared child....my beautiful scared child. I could only love her.

We heard a knock on the door. It was the doctor. Dr. Bretzke. The one who would tell us the story...the real story.

The real story is better than the one we were afraid of. We were afraid one of the cancers in her right breast was attached to the chest wall. It wasn't! It wasn't! It wasn't!

I could only stare at Dr. Bretzke. Sarah made a sound of exclamation and put her hands to her head. I watched her face flood with emotion and her eyes fill with tears. Dr. Bretzke kept talking.

I put my hand on Dr. Bretzke's knee and said, "Stop, we have to take a moment to feel this...to enjoy it..to celebrate it..........we have to!"

I had to breathe.

I had to touch Sarah.

This was not just information.

This was LIFE being given back to me........LIFE being given back to Sarah.......LIFE being given back to Dave.......LIFE being given back to Davey and Derek and Jackson and all the people who love Sarah.

Dr. Bretzke told us about the surgery she will be doing. It will be a simple mastectomy. A bilateral mastectomy. Sarah wants peace of mind. Sarah will have breast reconstructive surgery as well.



So, now we wait until probably Monday when Dr. Migliori, the plastic surgeon, will call and make an appointment for a consultation. If I start at the beginning of that day, I will want to get up, get ready and get going. That appointment will be like moving into the future.

I have a funny feeling I will be putting a picture of Sarah hugging Dr. Migliori on my blog sometime next week. What do you think?

Dr. Bretzke.....I liked your story today. I have hope and faith that the final chapter of this book we are writing won't be written for a long, long time. When you told us that you expect Sarah's cancer to be Stage 1 I wanted to hug you myself. I will someday. For now, hug my daughter. She is precious to me. And, I am putting her in your hands.

The goal of Piper Breast Center......is.....To return YOU to your life the best way we know!