Today

I don't know what to write. I want to write. As soon as I write something I delete it. Nothing looks right when I sit here and look at my words on the screen. Yet, it feels like there is something that wants to come out.

I love sleeping because when I am sleeping I am not thinking or feeling.

I look out the window as I sit here and see the sun shining through the trees. The leaves aren't moving. There isn't much of a breeze.

I wonder if I will see deer today. Maybe I will see the ducks that visit and eat the bird seed that has fallen from the bird feeder.

My thoughts wander. I am trying to keep my feelings at bay.

The day looms out in front of me with no doctor appointments to keep me busy and my mind occupied.

In the beginning, when Sarah was diagnosed with cancer, there was a feeling of we are going to take care of this. We did. Sarah did.

There were things to do. Get an MRI. Meet with the surgeon. Meet with the plastic surgeon. Meet with the oncologist. Have a double mastectomy. Heal from the surgery. Go to chemo class. Get a port. Go look at wigs. Buy a wig. Buy head wraps and cozies. Watch while Sarah shaved her head in stages because it was inevitable she would lose her hair. Watch while Sarah got injections for her reconstruction.

There were things to do. There was so much to learn. There was so much to remember. It felt like we were doing something. It felt like we were doing the things that gave us some control.

See, this is where I don't have the words. I want to delete now. But, I won't. Because if I did I wouldn't have any better words to put on my screen. It is like when you want to throw up but can't. Maybe this is the cancer dry heaves.

We are waiting now. Chemo has started. Sarah has had two chemo treatments. And, she is feeling worse than she did when she didn't know she had cancer. She felt fine when she didn't know she had cancer. Now that we are doing everything in our power to make her as well as she can be, it feels worse. She feels worse.

I want to delete.

I can't be inside her skin. She can't be inside my skin. There is a powerful sense of us sharing this because we are going through this together.....each from our own side. In this togetherness there is a loneliness.

Now, I really want to delete.

Because all of a sudden I feel.

I guess that is what wanted to come out.