Could that be?
I can talk about it.
I can read about it.
I am not sleeping very well.
Three nights ago I woke up at 4:17 a.m.
Two nights ago I woke up at 3:15 a.m.
Last night I woke up at 2:52 a.m.
Sometimes I might go back to sleep for short periods of time.
Mostly not.
If I keep waking up earlier and earlier I will wake up before I go to sleep.
That sort of made me laugh.
I don't laugh much right now.
Nothing is funny.
My daughter has cancer.
I sit and look at those words and feel strangely disconnected from them.
Maybe it's just the day.
I have had moments of tears.
I have seen pain in my eyes.
I have heard her voice during the days when she is just like her old self running her life.
She has three little boys.
And, a husband.
Life goes on.
Things have to be done.
She goes on.
And, sometimes naps.
I have heard her voice late at night when the things that kept her busy don't anymore.
She has feelings.
She has thoughts.
What if?
What if?
Would my boys remember me?
Nobody wants to go there.
To that place.
I know she has to.
To get beyond it.
I was supposed to keep her safe.
I am her mother.
I couldn't.
I would take it away if I could.
I would trade places if I could.
If only I could.
I don't feel strangely disconnected anymore.
My daughter has cancer.
And, I will start to tell her story.
Our story.
I love you Sarah!
Mom xo
22 comments:
I can't imagine how your family can handle this so soon after Bri.
Sarah sent me a lovely compliment on my blog post for Bri three weeks ago -I'll keep you in my thoughts and wish the best for Sarah.
Judy, be strange for your self and "Sarah" your daughter needs you more now, it is easy for me to say this, ( I feel the pain) as its not me going through this hard time. Faith will carry you through, and "Sarah" will be well again..I know in my heart. Bless you all...Hugs June
I know.
Judy, be strong for yourself and "Sarah" your daughter needs you more now, it is easy for me to say this, ( I feel the pain) as it's not me going through this hard time. Faith will carry you through, and "Sarah" will be well again..I know in my heart. Bless you all...Hugs June
you know june...I talked to sarah tonight and she wants to know my feelings...if she knows my feelings then she said she is not alone...we talk...sarah and I...I love that...she is a beautiful girl...
thanks, Mom. I love you.
you're welcome honey...I love you..nite xo
All of this is just more reason to love our family and the way that we do things.... we do them together. How awful to do them alone? I wish I could take your pain away too Mom. You're the best mom ever!
Oh gosh, I weeped, when I read your blog about Sarah. So wish I could do something. She is so beautiful. Just take one day at a time and stay positive. God bless you and your famly. Love ya!! Redtulip
Oooooooooh, Judy! What can I say? I want to connect, but I don't know what to say.
Have you ever heard the saying, "Everything works out okay in the end. If it hasn't worked out, it's not the end."? That one helps me sometimes.
Oooooooooooh.
Love,
Mary Pat
thank you so much carole and chewy..
kara honey..I love you...and we do do things together...it is the way it is...I am so glad I am your mom..I know you would take my pain away..if only you could...xo
redtulip....I always feel your heart and the warmth of your hugs...
mary pat..that is a good saying...it is not the end...and you always let me know how much you care..I can see your face and feel your heart..always..
You express yourself so well Judy!
Prayers are with you ALL!
Prayers are with you from Christians that you do not know.
God is good.
It is in His hands, his plan.
Thank God for Faith and hope and trust.
Thank you for the updates and know I am with you all on this
challenging journey!
Love you!!!!
Cathy B.
To be honest, I'm still stunned at the news. It can't be happening to such a young vibrant woman. You have such a wonderful family Judy and I know in my heart that Sarah is going to be OK. Your family support is amazing. love ya
PS. Buy Sarah some pink pajamas..
Oh Judy... I can say nothing to ease your pain because I know that at the end of the day, we end up without them, missing them even though we know they are with Him. Thank goodness your faith is strong and you have a strong family to help take care of the children left behind. Let them help take care of you too. I wish you peace when you feel your strength fading. I am not a good example of how to handle grief & bad events, but I have learned what you already knew, that He is always with us. God Bless you. Write soon! love, Lois
Dear Judy,
It's impossible for me to say just how sad Neil and I
are to hear the news about dear Sarah and again
it is wonderful to know that you are coping so well
and able to support her every step of the way.
You can rest assured of our prayers for Sarah and
all the family as we think of you every day and when
we say our Rosary every night we are now including
a special prayer for Sarah that she will come through
all this as strong as ever.
We've been hearing so much from Joe about Sarah
and Dave and Derek and Davey and of course Jackson
that we feel they are part of the family and very much
in our minds during this time.
Our love to you and Tom and all the family.
Kathleen.
My prayers are with your family Judy.
God bless you all
David
Oh Judy, Judy...
My heart aches...I just want to reach out and hug Sarah! Hug you!
I feel in my heart that things are going to be alright. Our God is a Great God!
Thanks for letting my into "your world" Judy! Love you!
Yeah, get me some pink pajamas!
Thank you Kathleen! I love being a part of Joe's, and your family!
and I'll take hugs from everybody!
Judy! You are a strong, beautiful, amazing woman and mother! If only every mother were like you! I hope to meet you someday and give you a huge hug!
Melissa (Bri's friend)
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