My last post was on December 4th.
On December 10th, I got the call I didn't want to get.
My wonderful dad breathed his last breath. He died within a few minutes. If he wasn't in pain or fear I am glad. Glad for him. I wanted him longer, but not if he was in pain or unable to be in life as he had been for his 99 years.
I have been surrounded by my family. Each day I have been able to see them is like Christmas to me.
I know Christmas Day, this year, will not be the same as it has been for many years. My dad had two places in my house that he sat. He always sat on one cushion of my couch in my fireplace room as the family visited. And, he had his place at my dining room table for years.
It is when I think of seeing him in those two places that I feel the emptiness of his not being here.
I have kept busy. There is Christmas to prepare for. My house is the Christmas house. There are little ones who still want and need the magic of Christmas. There have been presents to buy. There has been food to buy. There are presents that are still unwrapped.
There is a heart inside me that is ok so long as there are things to do and people to be with.
But, the things get done and the people go home.
And, I am left with the silence.
It is in the silence that my throat unclogs and the screams of loss are heard.
It is silent no more.
I miss my dad.
I don't like this.
I don't like this at all.
And, I just breathed clear down.
Maybe I will sleep tonight.
Because I broke the silence.
10 comments:
I love you Mom. I've been thinking about Christmas, too. It's not going to be the same. I'm sad, but still firmly in denial. I'm so good at it.
It's not going to be the same. It might hit me on Christmas.
I love you.
I love you too sarah...I will be here when it hits honey...
Dear Judy- Yes go to sleep now- sleep is the best- Things are new in the morning. I know. Thinking of y ou all alot.
Eleanor Frenz Zwiers
Dearest Judy,
When I read your Dec. 4th Blog entry, my heart soared for all of you. Jackson, your lovely wonderful home at Christmas, your Mom's picture, your voice and story told so sweetly. I had intended to write then to say how happy we were for your JOY and Tom's healing. It was a magical piece you wrote and showed !
As I felt your sadness and loss of your Dad, my first thought was that "Oh, your Mom will be so happy to have your Dad home with her for Christmas this year." My Mom joined my Dad this past year too and I am finding some comfort in seeing them together again. But my tears flow even as I write this note of encouragement to you, my dear, for the LOSS is huge, isn't it? BUT the love shared with these wonderful parents for nearly 100 years is totally an awesome gift to us.
Just wanted you to know we hold you and Tom in our hearts as you move through this very emotionally torturous time. Big hugs and prayers, Pat and Dave
Judy, I read your blog and so sorry to hear about the death of your Dad. The word that got me was SILENCE. What a great word.
Thinking of you and Tom this holiday season. Love Pam
Judy, I'm at a loss for words, except to say "cherish your memories", as no one can take them from you. My heart aches for your loss, Hugs and Prayers For You and Your Family, Bill & Judy
My Dear Judy
I just wanted to wrap my arms around you, to comfort you in this a sad time ..I did a walk through in your home Judy, and the spirit of the lord is within ..Judy I always end up in a flood of tears its so over whelming. My religion is The Church Of England Judy, and every time we have a Christian weekend away .. This follows me ..
Words cannot say how I feel for you Judy…your heart is broken ..
God Bless. .may he wrap his arms round you all …
Judy as always your words are inspirering, always said with such love and hope. Losing your Dad is very sad, only you are strong and with family beside you .. Your Christams together will be blessed..So sorry for your loss.. Hugs
Judy as always your words are inspirering, always said with such love and hope. Losing your Dad is very sad, only you are strong and with family beside you .. Your Christams together will be blessed..So sorry for your loss.. Hugs
Judy I feel your loss and sorrow. You are so strong and brave and you know you have to get though this for the children and grandchildrens sake. Our first Christmas without my Dad we sat around and told Grandpa stories and laughed and cried. Love you.
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