Christmas 2011 ... A Slideshow

Christmas 2011 was a Christmas filled with so many emotions. With my dad's dying on December 10, our family was keenly aware that the oldest member of our family would be looking down on us and watching us do our best to carry on the family traditions. He would have loved the decorations, the lights, the food, the talk, the laughter and the sounds of the children.

I placed the sweater my dad always wore over his chair at the dining room table. It made it feel like he was there.

We celebrated Christmas in the spirit of family, and family is what my dad was all about!

I hope you enjoy the slideshow. Merry Christmas and thank you to everyone who has held me and my family in your thoughts, prayers and loving arms! Judy

When The Silence Comes

(Dante's Prayer) Click to play.

My last post was on December 4th.

On December 10th, I got the call I didn't want to get.

My wonderful dad breathed his last breath. He died within a few minutes. If he wasn't in pain or fear I am glad. Glad for him. I wanted him longer, but not if he was in pain or unable to be in life as he had been for his 99 years.

I have been surrounded by my family. Each day I have been able to see them is like Christmas to me.

I know Christmas Day, this year, will not be the same as it has been for many years. My dad had two places in my house that he sat. He always sat on one cushion of my couch in my fireplace room as the family visited. And, he had his place at my dining room table for years.

It is when I think of seeing him in those two places that I feel the emptiness of his not being here.

I have kept busy. There is Christmas to prepare for. My house is the Christmas house. There are little ones who still want and need the magic of Christmas. There have been presents to buy. There has been food to buy. There are presents that are still unwrapped.

There is a heart inside me that is ok so long as there are things to do and people to be with.

But, the things get done and the people go home.

And, I am left with the silence.

It is in the silence that my throat unclogs and the screams of loss are heard.

It is silent no more.

I miss my dad.

I don't like this.

I don't like this at all.

And, I just breathed clear down.

Maybe I will sleep tonight.

Because I broke the silence.

Christmas Magic

Please......open the door and come on in. Welcome to my world, and welcome to my Christmas house!

Be prepared to have your heart melt as you watch the magic of Christmas in Jackson's face and experience the innocence and pure joy as he discovers things in my Christmas tree room.

In this last video I am remembering my mom, who died in 2001. Our last Christmas with her was in 2000. The last thing I did with her was, as she sat in her wheelchair at my kitchen table shortly before going home, my sister, Linda, and I sang Silent Night with her. It was pure majic.

Silence Has Words

(Dante's Prayer) Click to play.

In my silence there is a volume of words. I am internal right now. Sometimes, in this silence, even I don't know the words that are unspoken.

And, then............words come...words I didn't know were there come in the darkness of night.

There are two years of words.

There are words, that if I speak them out loud, make the last two years real.

If the last two years are real, I have to feel them.

And, I finally can.

I know there is healing in the spoken word.

I know there is healing in the daring to feel unwanted realities.

And, that is the truth of the matter tonight.

The other truth is I have the hiccups : )

There are some truths that just simply have some humor.

So, I am off to bed, all the better for breaking my silence with a few words.