Monday, December 26, 2011
I placed the sweater my dad always wore over his chair at the dining room table. It made it feel like he was there.
We celebrated Christmas in the spirit of family, and family is what my dad was all about!
I hope you enjoy the slideshow. Merry Christmas and thank you to everyone who has held me and my family in your thoughts, prayers and loving arms! Judy
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Sunday, December 04, 2011
Be prepared to have your heart melt as you watch the magic of Christmas in Jackson's face and experience the innocence and pure joy as he discovers things in my Christmas tree room.
Thursday, December 01, 2011
In my silence there is a volume of words. I am internal right now. Sometimes, in this silence, even I don't know the words that are unspoken.
And, then............words come...words I didn't know were there come in the darkness of night.
There are two years of words.
There are words, that if I speak them out loud, make the last two years real.
If the last two years are real, I have to feel them.
And, I finally can.
I know there is healing in the spoken word.
I know there is healing in the daring to feel unwanted realities.
And, that is the truth of the matter tonight.
The other truth is I have the hiccups : )
There are some truths that just simply have some humor.
So, I am off to bed, all the better for breaking my silence with a few words.
Friday, October 14, 2011
I am finding being the nurse at home is multi-dimensional. I have temporarily taken over the things Tom used to do. I cook, tidy things up, converse, so Tom has some company, bring things to Tom that he needs, protect his environment by removing the phone from the bedroom so it won't wake him, change the dressing on his incision, make sure he has soft, yet enough, light to work by, go up and down the stairs multiple times during the day, which is teaching me to stop and think before I leave the floor I am on and all this is good.
You see, we live in a two story home with a mostly finished basement. My computer is two floors down from where Tom is. You may wonder how we stay in touch. That was a simple problem to solve. He calls me on his cell phone. It works really well. I also check on him to see if he is sleeping and if all is well. We have worked out a system that feels mutually respectful.
I know that the energy in the house is important. Good energy can't help but promote healing and part of good energy is humor. Humor heals.
Below is a video of gentle humor from this morning. Thanks Tom for being a good sport!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
It is easy to want an instant result and I don't think that is in the cards. I asked if we could have a referral to a physical therapist and the answer to that is, "Yes." We were both pleased with that because we had heard not all surgeons will make that referral.
Tom is home. From the time we left home on Tuesday at 8:00 a.m. and when I brought him home at approximately 8:30 a.m. on Wednesday he had had back surgery. 24 hours....from check in to check out!
Tom will be a patient of mine for up to the next three weeks. I am his nurse now and so far he hasn't fired me : ) I pretty much try to have all his needs met that he doesn't even know he needs before he knows he needs anything at all. Raise your hand if you followed that last sentence.
I have posted three pictures since so many of you have emailed or called to check in and see how he is doing. We are taking things a day at a time and honoring his need to rest and eat well and walk a little and talk a little. It is nice to take care of him and have him be so appreciative. I think there is something to one's attitude and one's healing.
Tom being wheeled away to surgery
Tom at home recovering...notice his side table, bed tray and bed desk
Monday, October 10, 2011
A small piece of disc, that has broken off in the area of L5 S1, is pressing on the nerve root and it is stopping the communication that tells the leg muscle to lift the toes/foot.
I would like to say we can be confident there will be a full/permanent recovery. I can't. It seems there are "windows" of opportunity when maximum recovery can be expected. We have missed the first window and are now into the second window. We may or may not get full recovery. It is possible we will get only partial recovery.
Check in time is 8:30 a.m. and surgery is scheduled for 11:00. My daughters, Sarah and Kara, will be spending most, if not all, the day with me. That is how we do it. We do these things together. I know our son, Adam, would be with us too if he weren't so far away. He has kept in close touch by phone.
Please send your thoughts, love and prayers for Tom, me, our family, the doctors, nurses, anesthesiologist.....all those who love and care for Tom. I believe in the power of prayer.
I will post as soon as I can to share the result of tomorrow's surgery.
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
I want to explain why I haven't posted. I thought it might get easier, but in fact, it is getting harder.
I walked most of the walk on Friday. With reluctance, but with cheers from my team mates, I hopped a short ride in the sweep van. That gave me a little time to cool down and rest up. I walked Saturday morning, but believe I got dehydrated, so did not walk Saturday afternoon. I joined the ranks of the cheering section along with Dave, Davey, Derek, Jackson and Tom.
Saturday night, I drank gallons of Powerade and got a good rest. By Sunday morning I was raring to go. As we were walking a sidewalk somewhere in St. Paul, my cell phone rang. It was Tom. He told me my dad was in the emergency room at St. Francis hospital. Sarah was a little ahead of me, and as she looked back to see what was happening, knew instantly this was probably about my dad, and said, "You're done!"
As soon as Tom could come get us we headed to the hospital. We believe he had a TIA, small stroke, and I spent the rest of Sunday and Monday at the hospital. Sarah was able to go back to finish the walk and share in the final celebration.
He is old. They can't do anything. Anything they could do would be too risky and could change his quality of life. So, we were sent home to take good care of him and spend as much time enjoying him as we can. It is hard. He looks so good on the outside, but things on the inside are wearing out. It is hard to let it in that our time is limited.
A week later, on September 4, we had a 99th birthday party for him. Following the party, the focus shifted to moving Tom's and my office, which I have been working on for probably four + months.
Everything that has happened seems to be happening so close together, it seems they are happening simultaneously. And, they all have emotion attached. There was no time to recover from the walk. I guess maybe I kept right on walking. I kept walking into the next life changing event or transition.
I haven't had time to feel. I knew if I wrote I would feel. I knew I had to feel. I just didn't know when.
Last week, I thought...ok...things are slowing down...coming to an end...the office is coming along...that was the last big thing that needed my attention....I can relax a little and do a post...I felt like I had abandoned the people who cared about me...I wanted to write and explain once I felt I could take some time...to let go and let down...
It didn't happen. I am doing a post, but not because I can let down. I am doing a post because if I don't, I don't know when I will be able to.
While we were moving, Tom got some hip pain. The pain moved down his left thigh, left calf, left ankle and then his left foot dropped.
He had an MRI last Friday and our primary doctor urged us to make an appointment with a neurosurgeon. With help from our doctor, a neurosurgeon has made room in her schedule to see Tom this Thursday, October 6.
I don't know what will happen. Our doctor was adamant we get in to a neurosurgeon ASAP. She said, if the neurosurgeon looks at the MRI, time will be made ... and it was.
So...to my dear family and friends and all who read and follow my blog...I wanted you to know why so much time has gone by since my last post. Life just got big. Then, it got bigger. And, it seems it is still getting bigger for now.
I got to have a few tears this morning. I held it together until I said thank you to the nice girl, named Holly, who called from Dr. Kim's clinic. She has a nice voice and she gave me good news. "We have scheduled Thomas for this Thursday, October 6, at 10:30."
Sometimes a job is so much more than a job. Amazing the gratitude and relief I felt hearing an appointment had been scheduled. I will tell Holly what a nice voice she has.
I will write more. I will write again. I promise. I will write for you and I will write for me.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
This is the last weekend of clocking the miles before the 3-Day for the Cure. Today was a 10mile day and tomorrow is an 8 mile day.
I cannot believe how much better I am at walking the miles and how much I look forward to walking now.
If you read my previous post, you will remember something good happened to me while sitting on the bench along the path. I came to some kind of peace with this whole event. I found a calm and peace inside myself that resulted in a wonderful perspective.
I know now that I am not going to miss the walk. Maybe that sounds funny, but there has been such an emphasis on the training, and really, I did go straight from my recliner to the treadmill when I signed up for this, that I had serious questions about being able to do this and come out of it alive. With so many questions about my ability, I think I have carried a little bit of worry.
And....and.....and....I don't anymore!
Not only can I say, "Let's do this!," I can say, "I know I can do this and I know I will see, hear and feel every single moment!"
I am going to walk for so many people. I am going to walk with my daughter. I am going to thank God that I am walking with my daughter. I have been given this gift to walk with Sarah. Thank you God.
So, today was another one of those beautiful days. The sky was blue. The clouds were absolutely exquisite. The last one and a half miles were shared with Tom and my new pocket camera.
I bought it new so I would be able to take pictures and videos on the walk next weekend. I hope I captured some of the beauty of the day. Please enjoy the pictures and the video.
The countdown is starting! I am happy! I am calm! I am at peace!
Let's do this!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
The 3-Day for the Cure is one short week away. One week from today, Sarah and her best friend, Kimmie, will be coming to stay overnight. Bright and early the next day, Tom will be driving the three of us to the opening registration for the walk.
60 miles in 3 days. 60 miles in 3 days. Or, the best you can do. Everyone who has signed up, trained and earned the required $2300.00 in fundraising is already a winner in my book.
I walked 5.43 miles today. Today was a 5 mile training day, so that felt good. We are supposed to train wearing the shoes, socks and clothing we will be wearing for the 3-Day.
Today, I wore a pair of medium cushioned smartwool socks and my second pair of Mizuno shoes that I am breaking in. They were great. I have been wearing the thick cushioned smartwool socks up until now but I like the medium cushion inside this second pair of shoes.
I am also adjusting to contact lenses for the walk. I have a lens that has correction for astigmatism in my right eye, single vision, and a lens that has a bifocal in it, no astigmatism correction for my left eye. They worked well today. Funny how the brain adapts.
And, I wore my new hat. It is a great hat. It has a wide brim that will shade my face, a flap I can either velcro up or leave down to protect the back of my neck and it is made of wonderful, lightweight, breatheable fabric that protects from the hot sun and the UV rays. It was like walking under a shade umbrella. I purposely walked where there would be little shade to see if it really worked. I loved it.
I was walking the last half mile and decided to sit for a while on a bench. I want to take you to that bench because it was the most relaxed and peaceful I have felt for a long time.
I was alone. The sky was the most beautiful sky I have seen since I can't remember when. It was blue and was filled with white clouds that came in so many interesting shapes and sizes. I just sat and looked and breathed and thought this is what I want the walk to be like. I was so in the moment. For a long time no walkers or bikers came by. I was alone.
I looked at the clouds. I started to think about my mom. I thought how she would be proud of me for what I am doing. I started to look at the clouds to see if I could see her face. I wanted to see her. And, then, seemingly out of nowhere, I swear I saw an eagle gliding through the clouds. I spoke right out loud. "Was that an eagle? That was an eagle. I know it was an eagle." I didn't see it again. But, I knew it was my mom letting me know she was proud.
I was quiet. I smiled. I got up from the bench. I said, "This is how I want to feel on the walk."
I don't want to miss a moment of the walk. At one point when I was walking today I felt tired. I said, as I have all along, "You can do this. All you are is tired. That is all."
And, then, I had a nice thought. I will imagine that God will put wings on my feet when I need them. That made me smile too.
It has been a good day....a reflective day...a day of gratitude...a day of moments.
One more week and I will be amongst 2400 people who have come together for an incredible event. Never in my wildest dreams, could I have imagined what I am about to do. I am at peace.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
After a three week break from my training for the 3-Day for the Cure, I hit the pavement yesterday with Sarah. It was hot, humid, sunny at times, breezy at times and always fun.
Well....sometimes it was too hot, too humid, too sunny...never too breezy and no matter what the weather conditions, it was always nice to be walking with Sarah.
We got a chance to talk. We talked about important things as we took breaks along the way. We talked of implants, changed bodies, people she knows whose cancer has come back...the need to celebrate the two year marker as that seems to be the time frame in which cancer often returns. At least, that is what she has been hearing in her Comfort Club, which she attends once a month.
We took frequent breaks. We sat on bus stop benches, stopped in at McDonald's, ate lunch at Applebee's, rested and got ice and cold water at Caribou Coffee and put ice chips on our foreheads, arms and down our shirts...ok..it was only me who did that last part.
We laughed. Then we laughed. And, we laughed some more. It was good to be back training together.
But, when we got back to my house and I took my left shoe off, my foot hurt on the instep and it looked like the bone was protruding. I iced it and Sarah called her doctor friend who told me how to treat it and I hope to be back training in a few days. For now, I am benched. It is best to take care of it immediately and then I will start training again with a little less vigor.
Something happens to me. It becomes very personal. Saying your families and friends names makes each step I take have great meaning and helps me keep going...one step at a time.
If anyone wants me to say the name of a loved one, please let me know and I will add it to my list.
I will be carrying the list of names with me when I walk in August.
And, I will walk!
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
I kept looking at her name. And, I felt her life. I felt her presence...her joy...her inimitable style...and I missed her.
I can't stop thinking about her. I have a unique privilege in life. I get to know a person in so many ways. I am so honored...honored that people who sit in my office share their hearts and souls and depths of their lives.
I guess I want to say that the people I meet touch my life. They are not a file or a case...they are a person....
And, they leave a mark in my life.
May God hold her loved ones in the palm of His hand.
You touched my life.
Saturday, July 02, 2011
Below is a slideshow of pictures set to music of the last few days. The cast of characters includes Adam, Sara Beth, Kallsen (6) Parker (5), Sarah, Dave, Davey (7), Derek (5) Jackson (3) Kara, Sam, Christopher (18) Amelia (13), her friend, Haley, my sister, Linda, brother-in-law, David, Tom, my dad and me.
Kara cut Adam's hair. They are twins. Adam gave Sarah, Kara and me head scratchers so when you see a picture of the three of us girls with things sticking out of our heads, that is what they are. We went to Music In Plymouth, the big 4th of July gala in our community, which was a spectacular night. And, we spent time with my 98 year old father. It was a happy week!
I love family. I love my family. To have the oldest member at 98, and the youngest member at 3, and everyone in between together was wonderful! My grandsons, Josh and Joseph, weren't able to be here and oh, how we missed them.
Adam, Sara Beth, Kallsen and Parker leave this morning to head back to South Carolina. Goodness gracious I am going to miss them! They are taking Amelia back with them for a ten day visit. Have fun Amelia!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
I will catch everyone up to speed on the life of this 68 year old girl.
First of all........I have reached my fund raising goal for the 3-Day for the Cure, and exceeded it. I am over $2,400.00 as of today.
It is with a grateful heart I thank everyone for their support and financial donations. In order to walk the 3-Day for the Cure, I needed to raise $2,300.00.
Thanks to all of you I have met that goal, and with each step, will say a name of anyone you would like me to be walking for. With each step I take, if I can put a name to it, something wonderful happens inside me.
I am already walking for a few I know by name.........
I have had to put my walking on the back burner for a few weeks. There are some business circumstances requiring my attention, and a fund raising garage sale at Sarah's this week, and a visit from my son and his family next week that I am preparing for.
I can't miss my life while I am training. I will train again. But, first, I get to see my son, his wife, and two of their sons next week. We have not seen them for a year and a half.
I brought them home from SC for Christmas, 2009, because I anticipated the death of my niece, Briana, and I wanted us all to be together. Then, Sarah was diagnosed with cancer and life was redirected. I smile. That is a nice way to put what has felt like a trip to hell.
I can't wait to see my son and his wife and their boys.
I want to hold them, hug them, hear their voices and laughs, and feel them as they live in my house for the days they are here.
Memories are going to be made. I want to be here. I don't want to miss life in the moment. God will help make me strong enough to carry out my training after their visit.
I will train.
I will walk.
I will walk for the names anyone sends me.
I will say your loved ones names with each step I take.
With all my heart I thank everyone who has supported me in my training and in my fund raising goal.
If you want to see my progress...my reaching of my goal...just click on the link below.......
With a grateful heart I say good night.
I will keep you updated on my training.
I will keep you updated on my life.
Life is to be lived.
I intend to do just that.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Ok........so a breath can be taken and a sigh can be heard around the world...a good sigh!
Sarah got the results of her endometrial biopsy and everything looks normal!!
I am so pleased, happy, ecstatic, thrilled, relieved, grateful and probably a few other adjectives as well. I am blessed. We are blessed.
So, now Sarah and I will walk with a spring in our steps tomorrow. Sarah will be coming over to stay the night tonight and we will get up and walk our 13 miles tomorrow. It is a big day! It is the biggest training day yet, and Sunday is a 9 mile day. We have already walked 9 miles this week. That totals 31 miles for the week!
I will see if I will be able to do it all. I am a bit under the weather, but am going to just go slow and pay attention to how I feel. We will walk in my neighborhood and will use my house as our home base to eat and rest. I have a yummy casserole in the oven that we will be able to scoop and heat in the microwave....instant nutrition!
I am very close to raising my $2300.00. The sooner I have my fund raising done my team will be able to check in online and make decisions about whether we will stay in the tent community or in a motel.
I think I need about $172.00 yet and then I will have met the goal.
If anyone has been thinking about donating and just hasn't done it yet, please do, or if anyone would like to consider donating it would be wonderful.
Your support really does help me walk. I say the names of my supporters as I take my steps and for some reason it helps, and even brings a smile to my face.
The link to my personal page is listed below. You can check my progress and see just how far I have come and how far I have yet to go.
Thank you everyone so much for your encouragement and your hugs and questions about how I am doing in my training.
Friday, June 03, 2011
The ultra sound looked good...no fibroids or polyps that would cause the bleeding, but the thickness of the edometrial lining indicated she should have a biopsy.
Anything 4mm and under would indicate NO biopsy needed. Her reading was 6.3mm...so not too high...anything like 10mm or above is what they see if there is cancer.
So, things look good so far and we will get the results of the biopsy maybe next Friday, June 10 or early the following week.
We are tired and we plan to walk tomorrow over in my neighborhood. The doctor told Sarah to let her body guide her as far as the walking goes.
Our walking schedule for tomorrow is 12 miles. We will see how it goes. Sarah will be staying overnight at my house and we will give ourselves lots of time to walk and rest and walk and rest and then rest and rest and rest and rest : )
Your thoughts and prayers lifted me high this morning. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love and care. No matter which way I would ever fall, I know I would land on a blanket of angels.
Thursday, June 02, 2011
What better way to calm one's spirit than with music and nature.
Today has been a day of questions and uncertainty and what ifs. It has been a day of telling yourself not to worry. It has been a day of going about living as if everything was normal....as normal as it is when your daughter had cancer...and is, as far as we know, doing ok.
But......for the last three days my daughter has been bleeding.......on Tamoxifen.
Bleeding on Tamoxifen can mean any number of things I guess. One of the things it can be is a symptom of endomedrial cancer. It might just be her body coming back to a pre-menopausal state. Chemo shuts down your hormones and can put a young woman into menopause.
I might not make much sense tonight. I will do my best.
We have learned through this journey that what statistics say is not always true. Sarah's 36 year old cousin, Briana, died of uterine cancer, a cancer that strikes women my age...........68!! Briana died of it!!
Her main symptom was profuse bleeding that wouldn't stop. So, when my daughter was bleeding profusely for three days, we take note.
Sarah has contacted the oncologist's nurse and her gynocologist. She has an appointment tomorrow for an ultra sound, a doctor's appointment and a potential uterine biopsy. That is a "maybe biopsy" based on the doctor's appointment I guess.
I will be there. That doctor's appointment will be at the same office where she was told she had breast cancer. That alone, has some anxiety for her.
We are all believing everything will be ok. That is the mind talking. Funny how your body goes where your mind can't stop it.
For those who pray......pray.
For those who don't.......hold us in your thoughts.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Training Post # 7.....3- Day for the Cure...The Last Two Days Were Hard But We Walked In The Sunshine Until The Sirens Went Off
The last two days were hard. Sarah and I walked ...what was it.... 11 miles yesterday. We did hills. We did going up hills. We did going down hills. It was the most hills I have done to date.
We walked outside until the rain came and the sirens sounded. We caught a ride home since the sunshine had ended and finished up at the Y in Sarah's neighborhood.
I went to bed early and slept nine hours. I woke up and wondered if I would be able to get out of bed.
I did get out of bed knowing I had 5 more miles to do today.
I had to talk to myself. I had to tell myself I could do it. I started getting ready to go to the Y. With each article of clothing I put on, I began to feel that I would be able to do it.
And, I did.
I did it.
I must not forget to say....I am training for the 3-Day for the Cure....a 60 mile walk in three days to raise funds for breast cancer.
I am walking for my daughter, Sarah, and so many others who were never given the chance to walk, for those who cannot walk for so many reasons, and for those who will come after us.
Sarah has learned of so many breast cancer patients whose breast cancer has mestastisized. The cancer has come back in their brains, their spines, their livers.
I pray there is a cure for this dreadful disease.
I can do something. I can walk. I can raise funds.
Oh, yes. I get tired. I am tired. But..............that is ALL I am.
I will walk. I will walk until I can't walk anymore.
I must raise $2,300.00 in funds to do this walk.
It is taking everything I have.
I am asking for your support. If you are able to make a donation, please consider doing so.
I will walk for your dollars. I will walk for my daughter. I will walk as far and as long as I can walk.
To make a donation...
1. Please click on the link below.
2. Then click on Donate to a Participant on the right.
3. Type my name into search for a participant.
4. My name will appear in a box as you scroll down.
5. Click on Donate now and go from there.
I thought I had it figured out how to take you to my personal page so you could check my progress and make a donation, but alas, I seem to be in training for this too : ) I hope I get it figured out. There is a way to do it!
Friday, May 27, 2011
Who knew that I, Judy Wright, would ever be training for a 60 mile walk in three days?
I can tell you that if I had had a crystal ball 40 or more years ago, I could not have or would not have foreseen this.
My family knows me mostly attached to my recliner. They may even think it and I are one.
Close to 170 training miles later I only visit my chair now to rest and recover until the next walking day.
I have started defining myself as an athlete in the making. This could be a slight stretch, but I am finding humor is a pretty good companion as I train.
I read a quote that I like and think speaks to my "new" life.
"Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken." Frank Herbert.
The change that awakened me was not my little girl crying in the night, but the phone call I received that led to my daughter's diagnosis of breast cancer.
Oh, yes, this sleeper awakened.
And, I have found personal resources I didn't know I possessed, including my ability to train for this incredible walk that my daughter and I will walk hand in hand.
Let's do this!
One step at a time!
Please take a look at my personal page on the Susan G. Komen website and consider supporting me in reaching my $2300.00 goal in fund raising.
Thank you...Thank you....Thank you!
We have been training for weeks now. So far, Sarah says we have walked over 170 miles, and we have miles to go before we reach the finish line. Below are two pictures from one of our training days a couple weeks ago.
It was raining. Sarah called it a drizzle. I called it a torrential downpour with the wind whipping the ice cold pellets of rain in our faces. We had fun. We laughed. We said how good it was to be doing this together.
We are a team. We have been a team from the beginning of this journey.
This week our training looks like this....
Tuesday....walk 3 miles
Thursday....walk 5 miles
Saturday....walk 11 miles
Sunday....walk 5 miles
And, it goes up from here!
I'm getting better. I am in better condition. After walking my 5 miles Tuesday, I could still do lots of other things. The first day I walked 5 miles I think I was rendered useless the rest of the day.
Yep, I am becoming an athlete : )
At the bottom of my post you will find the link to my personal page on the Susan G. Komen website. You can check my progress in my fundraising efforts. I need to raise $2300.00.
I am coming along in this effort and I still need donations. If you are willing to make a donation, you can do this easily on my personal page.
Thanks ... Love ... Hugs ...
Friday, May 13, 2011
The total number of miles I must walk this week is 24. 24 miles.....24 miles....So far I have walked 19 miles. I have 5 more miles to walk on Sunday.
Each week I try and push myself a little more.
Thursday, I went to Sarah's house so we could walk 10 miles together. The hope was to walk 10 miles outside. It was raining and we had some time constraints, so we were only able to walk 4.2 miles outside.
This is not a small matter. It was the first time I have walked outside because it has been so cold out. So, the new things I did on Thursday were...
1. Walked outside on different surfaces
2. Walked at a faster pace, some of the time, because Sarah just walks faster
3. Walked up and down hills which is different than walking on a treadmill
When we couldn't walk anymore outside because it was raining, we drove to the local Y in Sarah's neck of the woods.
There I pushed myself a little more by increasing my pace. I did a little time at 2.9 mph which was new for me.
When I left Sarah's I still had 3 miles to walk at my Y. I continued to push myself and do the first 2 miles at 2.9 mph and then cut it back to 2.7.
I was so proud of myself. I walked ten miles total that day, walked up and down hills, walked faster more consistently and kept my good humor to boot. Lots to be said for keeping one's good humor : )
Tonight, after walking 6 miles today at my Y, my feet hurt and I am glad to just be able to sit and relax.
You know though, I am reminded in so many different ways, that no matter what my physical push is, no matter what aches or pains I feel, there is a truth.......and that truth never changes........
I get to do this.......I get to train........I get to walk.........I get to earn funds.......I get to push myself harder than I have ever pushed myself physically...I get to do this....
So many people don't get to do this.....their "get to" was snuffed out. All I get is tired and my feet hurt and I take a minute to straighten up when I get up from sitting down...but that is no big deal. No.........I get to do this!
A couple of days ago, I was at a 4-way stop intersection in my neighborhood. It was my turn to go. And, not one, but two cars sped through their stop sign. If I hadn't been watching closely I could have been hit twice.
Know what my first thought was?
I thought if I had been hit, how would that affect my training?
Would I be able to walk in August?
Yes, I get to do this! I want to get to do this!
I look in the mirror and see a person I haven't met before. Oh, make no mistake, she still has my body. But, her thinking and commitment to "walking the talk" and "talking the walk" is ever present.
When I walk on the treadmill, I still close my eyes when I feel tired and my feet hurt, and I just keep saying, "You can do this. I am so proud of you. Just keep going....left, right, left, right." And, I do.
And, when the end of the walk for that day is done, I smile.
I always smile. Because I did it.
I "got" to do it.
I still need financial donations to reach my $2300.00 goal. If anyone is interested and willing to make a financial donation, please click on the link below. You can check my progress and count yourselves as among the people who help lift my feet when they are tired.
Thank you! Each and every one of you is important to me! Together, maybe we can make a small impact on a huge disease.
Monday, May 09, 2011
I can only say what an incredible experience it was to walk in the Race for the Cure on Mother's Day.I can only tell you that the spirit of Sunday's event was overwhelming.
I can only imagine what walking the 3-Day for the Cure in August will be like.And, I can do my best to communicate what it was like to walk past the many supporters that came out and stood and waved and cheered all of us on.
I made eye contact with many of those people. Strangers. I had never seen them before and I doubt I will ever see them again. But, there was something about that moment when our eyes met and we exchanged smiles. They would say things like, "Keep walking!" "You can do this!" "Thank you!"In those brief encounters between strangers a common purpose was felt. And, then we were not strangers at all. We became one. A lone man, sitting on a cement retaining wall, smiled as I passed, leaned toward me and said, "Happy Mother's Day!"
I am putting on a series of videos of the walk. I want to share the sound and as much of the atmosphere as I can.I was so inspired by the day! I knew my decision to walk the 3-Day in August was the right decision. It's funny, but I felt a sense of quiet calm and confidence that my training will be ok somehow. I will make it. I will make it step by step. If my feet are moving, eventually a mile will be walked. That will only leave 59 more to go. And, so on and so on and so on!
I hope you enjoyed the videos of the Race for the Cure.
Because every walker needs to earn $2300.00 in fundraising if you are willing to consider making a donation in support of my walking, you can go to the Susan G. Komen website by clicking on the link below. Every donation helps me reach my goal. Check my progress! Thank you!http://http://www.the3day.org/site/TRC/2011/TwinCitiesEvent2011?pg=peditor&fr_id=1626&px=5787663
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Yes, it was mother's day today, 2011. Mother's day, 2010, was lost. I can't remember where we were in the order of Sarah's cancer schedule, but I do know not one of us was thinking about celebrating mother's day. Life, as we had known it, had gone on hold.
Today was a celebration of survivorship. Today was a day to give back. Today was a day to walk amongst more than 55,000 cancer survivors and co-survivors.
Today was the Race for the Cure, a three mile walk at the Mall of America, that raised millions of dollars in funds for cancer research.
Why is this important for my training post?
It was the first time I have walked on something other than a treadmill in my training. I did well. I learned some things. I learned I can do this. I learned when you walk and come upon supporters standing on the side of the road banging pots and pans and waving and shouting their support, you forget about your feet. You forget about being tired. You lose touch with your body. All you see and hear is a throng of people that is sharing their energy with you. You can go on. You know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you can walk as much and as long as you have to.
Today, I got faith. Today, I got hope. Today, I got strength. Today, I got power. Not bad for a day's walk!
Today was the beginning of the 3-Day for the Cure in a sense. It was internal.
Today was about the Race for the Cure. Yes, it was.
I hope you enjoy the short slideshow I made from some of the pictures from today. The slideshow appears at the bottom of this post.
And, if anyone is willing and able to make a financial donation, it will be greatly appreciated. Each walker must earn $2300.00 to do the walk. You will find the link to my personal page on the Susan G. Komen site down below. You can donate there and you can check my progress as well.It is not for me, it is in support of me.
At the survivor's ceremeony, following the walk today, there was a woman who was a 65 year survivor. May God grant, if anyone is impacted by this dreaded disease called cancer, that they live a long and healthy life, albeit a new life. Life is never the same after cancer. My feet were sore after walking, but tonight they are fine. I am surprised at how well the training I have done is preparing me for the 3-Day for the Cure in August.
I am happy. I am proud. I am content. I am dedicated. I will walk for those who could not or cannot walk. I have never felt anything quite like what I experienced today. Who knows, I might just be an athlete in the making. What I do know, is the experience and memory of today, did a whole lot for my training. I hope you enjoy the slideshow!
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
I have been training for the last six weeks for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure on August 19, 20 and 21st. The 3-Day for the Cure is a, 60 miles in 3 days, walk to raise funds for cancer research.
Thousands of women and men do this walk because their lives have been touched by cancer. This is one way they can give back to all those who walked before them and hopefully give to those whose lives will be touched by cancer in the future.
My life was touched by cancer. I understand the need to give back. When my daughter, Sarah, was diagnosed with breast cancer the day before her 42nd birthday I knew next to nothing about cancer. Now, I know more than I ever wanted to know about cancer.
We lost the year 2010 in the blur of her diagnosis, surgery, chemo treatments and follow-up appointments. Sarah is free of cancer now but we are not free from the effects of the last year. Cancer changes you.
Here is a picture of Sarah and me on her one year cancer free celebration cruise in March of 2011. She looks wonderful and is doing great!
I did everything with Sarah. I went to every appointment. I turned my front room into her recovery room. I still go to every follow-up appointment with Sarah. And, together, Sarah and I, with our friends, will be walking in the 3-Day for the Cure.
This is a huge commitment of time, energy, clothes, shoes and money. Each walker must raise $2,300.00 to do the walk.
I wanted to start sharing my training with people. I have never done anything like this before. I have not been a regular exerciser in my life. I am literally going from my recliner to the treadmill and/or the pavement overnight. Having people ask me how many miles I walked on any given day keeps me motivated. Having people say encouraging words to me makes me feel like I am not doing this alone. Sharing the victory of more and more miles walked as I train makes me feel like an athlete.
I smiled as I wrote that last sentence. God knows that the word athlete has never fallen into a paragraph used to describe me. But, at age 68, who knows! I guess there is still time to be known as an athlete.
So, welcome to my world....a new world for me.
I have learned they make spandex workout wear in my size. That alone is a little scary. I have learned about moisture wicking sports bras, underwear, shirts, shorts, capris, and did you know that there are a multitude of athletic shoes that a person has to learn about and try to see which kind works the best for your foot?
I am getting educated. I am training. I am walking. I am learning new things about myself. I am going to keep new posts coming on this blog because I need to share this incredible decision I have made to do this walk.
I am also going to include my personal page on the Susan G. Komen website so anyone who wants to make a financial donation will be able to do that. I am almost halfway to my goal of $2,300.00. You can also see the progress that is being made toward reaching that goal.
Today was my biggest training day yet. I will walk six miles tomorrow, five miles another day, yet to be determined, and on Sunday, Mother's Day, I will be walking three miles at the Mall of America in the Race for the Cure Cancer walk.
Every time I walk I close my eyes and say, "I can do this". My daughter is alive. She is alive because somebody walked before she was diagnosed. Thank you, and I have made a decision and a promise to walk for others.
Please check back in to see how I am doing. Please give me words of encouragement. They mean so much!
And, if just 120 people donate $10.00 I will reach my fundraising goal. If 60 people donate $20.00 I will reach my fundraising goal. Breaking it down like that makes it seem possible.
And, now I am off to work.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
You would think three fairly smart and competent senior citizens could navigate their way around a cruise ship without too much trouble. I guess that was expecting more of us than we could handle. It might not have been too much of a problem if one of us had remembered our room number. All of us knew it was on deck 7, but each one of us remembered different parts of our stateroom number.
As we wandered deck 7, I saw a nice young man and said, “Hi, we need help!” He asked if we needed to be let into our room. I said, “We do, but first we need to know our room number.” (We had our key card, but the room number is not on it for security reasons.) This is where being able to laugh at yourself comes in handy.
He took my key card and found our room for us and with a smile opened our door. It was only a short time later that he saw us come around the corner and called down the hall and said, “Come this way,” and made us all laugh. We have been good friends ever since.
We are docked today in Isla Roatan, Honduras. Sarah, Dave and Alyssa have gone off on a ziplining excursion. They will be gone for about 4 ½ hours. Davey, Derek and Jackson are in their fun kids programs at Camp Carnival and Tom, Joe and I are on duty in case of emergency. The folks at Camp Carnival give the parents cell phones in case they need to be reached. The three of us are hanging out on the ship for the day.
Yesterday, we all went on land in Belize. Interestingly, it wasn’t any one of our favorite days. It was stifling hot and humid and we mostly just saw shops and no real restaurants to sit down and eat. I did enjoy some of the shopping. They had some nice floaty sundresses I wish I had bought, and they had a flea market with some beautiful jewelry and wood carved figures of sea life.
We didn’t dock at the pier in Belize, but were transported on a smaller boat that rocked and rolled over the waves. It was a bumpy ride and I think it qualified as exercise if holding on and bouncing around counts. Looking around the boat you could tell the heat and humidity had taken its toll on everyone.
The day before Belize we stopped at Cozumel, Mexico. We all enjoyed seeing the shops and doing a little shopping, but the favorite part of our time in Cozumel was eating lunch in an open air restaurant. I was glad to see, printed at the bottom of the menu, the water they use is purified and double filtered for safety and our waiter assured us it would be fine.
Two musicians set up their Marimba close by and entertained us. Davey went up and put some money in their pot. Sarah and I each got a Marguerita and following lunch we found some chaise lounges and sat and watched the boats, the little boys played in the sand, we got some nice pictures and then we headed back to the ship.
I have never been on a cruise before. I have heard about them. I am thinking a cruise takes on a life of its own after a while. I think if you settle into the experience, the cruise will lead you. I don’t know if it is like that for everyone. Maybe it is. There is so much to do on a ship. You would never have to leave the ship to have something to do. When I leave our room, I am always glad to get back “home.”
Our stateroom has truly become home for the three of us. It is like we have four rooms. The bathroom, the dressing room, which has a closet and drawers as well as a dressing table and bench, (I have claimed that spot) the main living area which has sleeping accommodations for the three of us, a desk, closet and drawers and, finally our wonderful balcony.
We spend so much time on the balcony, day and night. The sky is always telling its story with the sun and the clouds during the day and the moon and the stars in the darkness of night. The ship makes its rushing noises as we move through the water and, in some ways; the rushing noises become another voice. When we dock they become silent.
It is 2:00 p.m. now, and Tom, Joe and I have had some lunch. On excursion days the regular restaurants are not open until dinnertime, but there is no worry we will starve. Food is available 24 hours a day somewhere on board. Follow your nose and you will find deli sandwiches, pizza, a Mongolian buffet, a plethora of desserts and soft serve ice cream.
We expect Sarah, Dave and Alyssa home soon and I am sure there will be much to tell about their zip lining outing. I, for one, am going to zip right out to the balcony. It feels really good to write a little bit about our week. It makes me feel like my family and friends are with me.
Sarah just called and said they are back safe and sound, that it was………….okay……….not all that great, and I would have hated every minute of it. Her assessment of my feelings is startlingly accurate because my daughter knows me! And, now I can breathe again.
Tomorrow we will hit Grand Cayman and we are all doing the Swim with The Stingrays…Visit Hell…and See The Turtles excursion. It is supposed to be the one thing to do in Grand Cayman. I expect there is a shorter name for this excursion but this is what I call it. A side note from Joe…..Joe just said…..”Except for Joe. I am not swimming with noooooooooooooo stingrays!” I don’t know what could be better than being in the water with hundreds of stingrays rubbing up against your body. At least, that is what I have heard. Truth be told, I have my doubts about it too!
It is 5:15 p.m….still Thursday, March 10.
We have left Isla Roatan and the afternoon was lazy and wonderful. I got into my jammies and shut the curtains and napped in the dark while Tom and Joe respectfully sat on the balcony. I woke in time to see what I might wear to dinner tonight.
The guideline is to look casual nice. I looked, with trepidation, at the clothes I had brought and wondered which ones would fit at this point in the cruise. If there is ever a next cruise I am bringing several sizes of clothes and will wear the small ones first and move up gradually.
Oh, the surprises that are in store for someone as they, not only cruise into new ports, but sail unabashedly into a new size of clothes, all inside seven days! It seems Tom and Joe are unaffected by this phenomenon. But, Tom says that is not the case. He says he and Joe simply brought bigger belts and still have a few notches left. I am somehow comforted by that.
A funny story about old people sharing a room….Tom came in from the balcony and said Joe was wondering why he couldn’t see. After twenty minutes of pondering his lack of eyesight, Joe figured out that he was wearing Tom’s glasses instead of his own. I won’t ask Joe to read the menu tonight. It really is good to be able to laugh at ourselves. I am loving this!
It is time to rock and roll to dinner now, and meet up with Sarah, Dave, Davey, Derek, Jackson and Alyssa. I fully expect to come back “home” with more stories to tell.
Back from dinner now……
You know some stories have action and some just don’t. Both Sarah and Dave agreed they were glad they went zip lining, but it didn’t have the “wow” factor they were looking for. They climbed many, many steps, did quite a bit of walking and it was hot. The little boys were tired at dinner but still want to go back to Camp Carnival to watch a movie.
Tomorrow morning the nine of us will be leaving the boat to do our Grand Cayman excursion. Tonight we will sleep to the gentle movement of the ship. We don’t always feel it. When I do, I think of it as being rocked or cradled.
Good night for now. Sweet dreams.
It is Saturday, March 12th. I am sick. I started getting swollen glands night before yesterday.
By the time we left for Grand Cayman yesterday morning I was running on low energy. As we were getting ready for the Stingray, Hell and Turtle Farm excursion an announcement came over the loudspeaker. There was a question mark about whether or not we would be able to do the excursion due to high winds and rough waters. We had to take a tender (the shuttle boat) from the ship to the pier and it is not always wise to do that. We sailed to a different side of the island though and all was well.
The reviews of the stingray part of the excursion were mixed. Derek thought it was awesome, Sarah and Dave loved it, Jackson spent some good time wrapped up in a towel on Joe’s lap on the boat, Tom enjoyed it, I could have lived without it and Davey thought it was a nightmare.
Essentially, this part of the excursion means you get in the water, which is really wavy and powerful, and the giant stingrays rub up against your body looking for food. Pieces of raw squid are provided for you to feed the stingrays. They advise you on how to do it so their powerful suction does not leave red marks on your hands. They also advise you not to touch their tails as that is where their stingers are. Between the words strong suction and stingers I was happy enough to get in the water to say I had done it, touch one stingray and call it a day.
For a more exciting review, I gratefully refer you to someone else.
Our visit to Hell was short lived. It is a small little town that has some gift shops and a post office so you can send postcards from Hell. There are areas that look like lava beds and that is about it. I took a picture of the lava bed like areas and a description of how it came to be that way.
The highlight of the excursion was the Turtle Farm and lunch. While we sat having a bite to eat Sarah spotted a beautiful peacock. Then we spotted three iguanas. Davey was in absolute heaven and by the time we left there, he said, “This was the best day ever!” So, for one little boy, at least, his day went from a nightmare to a dream made in heaven.
By the time we got back to the ship I was dragging. I stopped at the medical center and got some cough syrup so I could sleep last night. I may stop down there again today to see if they can dispense antibiotics.
Last night at dinner our waiters and waitress sang happy birthday to me. My birthday is March 16th. They brought me a lovely piece of chocolate cake with a candle. It was nice. If there is a halfway decent picture of that you will see me wearing Joe’s sport coat. I was so cold. Davey had put his little clip on tie on my dress and I probably look like I really did just return from hell.
Today is last day of the cruise and it is a ship day. We will hang out and pack up our things except for the things we will keep in our carryon bag. Our bags are collected tonight and we will have an early debarking in the morning in Miami.
Tom, Joe and I fly out of Miami Airport at 12:05 p.m. and will arrive home mid-afternoon. We pick up our car at MSP and Tom will head off to his chamber choir concert and Joe and I will head home.
I have many reflections about this trip.
I have moments that are the meaningful ones.
They don’t have to do with places.
They have to do with people.
They have to do with conversations.
They have to do with the looks on the children’s faces.
They have to do with Davey getting on my lap at dinner and sharing my sherbet with me.
They have to do with Derek’s excitement about the stingray excursion.
They have to do with Jackson reaching out at dinner last night and wanting to hold my hand.
They have to do with Tom, Joe and me enjoying our shared time together in our room, and our time on the balcony watching the water, watching the sky, seeing the moon and the stars.
They have to do with a conversation I had with Sarah yesterday, over the roar of the shuttle that took us out to the stingrays.
This was a celebration cruise. Sarah is cancer free. Sarah is alive. Sarah is still healing. I am still healing.
Yes, I have so many things left to say. Living with cancer and the endless journey you go on takes you places you don’t know exist until you get there.
Sarah…I love you.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
I will keep working on what I want to do. Until then....
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Sarah has been feeling a pain or a pang between her armpit and her implant on the right side. That was the side her two small tumors were located. She talked about this pain with Dr. Migliori in December and he thought it was because she was still healing from her reconstruction surgery. But, the pain hasn't gone away.
She wants to be checked out by Dr. Bretzke and she will also have a blood draw and have her "cancer marker" checked out along with other things.
This is new to us. In the new world of cancer you learn things you don't want to learn. One of those things is that a person can have a recurrence. They can be cancer free and have done all the right things in their treatment and one day....one day... it can come back.
There is something new you live with once you or a loved one has or had cancer. It is called the "what if." It is not something you dwell on. In fact, some days you forget cancer has invaded your world. You forget and you start to live.
And, when something reminds you of the "what if," it takes you off guard. You feel vulnerable once again. You wonder...how did it find me again? You get scared. And, you want to meet that fear with some new knowledge or wisdom or grace.
You leap to action. You make the calls to calm your fears. You become proactive again. You do whatever is in your power to take some kind of control. You look to the heavens and talk to God. You say, "Please, let it all be ok." You know, in some part of you, that it is going to be ok. The cancer won't be back.
You want to believe. You do believe. And, in the midst of believing, the "what if" creeps in. You let it have a voice. You do your best to make it a small voice. You know if you don't let it have a voice at all, you will make yourself sick. And, you have to stay well. You will stay well.
Sarah's blood draw is tomorrow. The results will be sent to Dr. Bretzke in time for the appointment next Tuesday. Dave and I will at Dr. Bretzke's with Sarah.
I haven't cried yet. My tears are still unshed. I feel them. I haven't given in to them yet. I expect I will. If I don't they will come anyway.
Grief is a funny thing. Our bodies don't know the difference between the imagined and the real. If we get afraid that something bad might happen, our bodies react as if it had happened. I don't know of a way to stop or change that. The best we can do is to know that that is a real phenomonon and talk to ourselves about it....and love ourselves in all our humanness.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Davey has connected in a huge way with our “Pennies for Patients” campaign (leukemia kids in MN) which started today.
To our class, he talked about you going through cancer treatment and losing your hair...which was in our little video. We also talked about all the family love and support happening.
I asked Josie Vandewege (head of student council 4th and 5th graders) to let Davey be a special “mascott/helper” on some of their collection days. She’s going to look into this and make it happen.
What a wonderful little boy Davey is.
Saturday, January 08, 2011
Monday, January 03, 2011
I feel better today, but I have spent the last five days doing nothing. I got worn out walking up the stairs so I rested. I didn't feel like eating much so I ate what sounded palatable and looked like I could at least swallow. I took some time to cry. I cried for many things. I let the tears flow from my eyes and words I didn't know were there be said.
There is healing happening. You think if you can get through something, it won't catch up with you. That's not true. Whatever you don't have the time to feel or take the time to feel will eventually find you.
I am glad I had the time to do what I needed to do and dared to do it. Some feelings hurt. They hurt to have them...they hurt to feel them...and if you do, they get better. I prayed to God through my tears. He said it was ok to weep. He said He weeps too.
I feel better.
It is a new year. I don't know all that is in store for me this year. I know there are many good things as I start this year. I am grateful for Sarah being cancer free and returning to her old self as time goes along. I am grateful for my dad being ok. I know we are going to be able to see Adam, Sara Beth, Joseph, Kallsen and Parker this summer if all goes according to plan. We are going on a one year cancer free celebration cruise in March and there will be other life altering things coming up I know. All of them will be faced with new wisdom, new breath, new eyes, renewed courage and less innocence.
The last two days I have found some new life in doing slideshows of photos set to music. The one I am sharing today is of my dad's 98th birthday party in September 2010.
I hope you enjoy it. It has a lovely ending.
I love you Dad! Thank you for being my dad! xo xo xo