18.68 - It Mattered

(Dante's Prayer) Click to play.

We got good news today! Sarah got the results of her blood draw from last Friday. The important result we needed to get was what is called the "cancer or tumor marker."

This marker will be checked every three months for two years. Anything below 37 is acceptable.

Sarah's marker was 18.68!!

PRAISE THE LORD!

Below is what Sarah wrote on her CaringBridge site today.

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Friday, October 1, 2010 11:37 AM, CDT

So, I had my blood drawn last Friday so they could check my "cancer marker". Wouldn't get the results til Monday or Tuesday.

My mom asked me about it, but I kept forgetting. I figured they'd mail it.

And if it was high (not what you want), they would just recheck it in a month, so there was no RUSH to get the results.

I kept forgetting.

Finally I called today and left a message for Dr. Zander's nurse to call me with the results.

They .....

Are ......

NORMAL!

Well below the "line of demarkation" (my term). Turns out it did matter to me. When I got the results, I wanted to cry from relief. Huh. My mom just laughed and said, "I love you".

Let's do this.

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Judy here again.

You know.....just thinking about the expression, "mind over matter...."

I don't care who you are, when there is something that matters and you are in the "waiting zone," there isn't enough "mind" to talk your body out of its feelings...out of what matters. At least, that is true for me.

When I try and do that my body just talks back to me in the form of upset stomach, neck pain, shoulder pain, eating when I am not hungry, interrupted sleep....something like that.

Nobody says........"Whats the mind?"

They say....."What's the matter?"

It's ok to have things matter and it is ok to say what matters to you. If you can say it you can do something about it even if it means all you can do is wait.

At least, you have made the conscious decision to wait and not talked yourself out of knowing that something matters. I am sooooooooooo not good at talking myself out of my feelings.

Better to accept what you can't change and do something about the things you can change.

It really does mean living consciously. I love that! It might sound funny, but I like being in my life. I love having feelings. I love knowing things matter. If nothing mattered, I wouldn't have to feel. What a loss that would be.

Today wouldn't have been a Praise The Lord day if we hadn't felt the depth of the fear.

I think I could write more, but I have no idea what I would write. I am only experiencing something that, for the moment, is wordless.

I think that means it is pretty deep....primal.....feelings before words were known....like a little baby doesn't have words, but they have feelings, as they experience their world.

Sarah's cancer marker was good. It mattered.

My body knows it mattered and my mind is at a loss.

That's ok.