Welcome To My World

Please Watch This Most Beautiful And Amazing Video

2012-02-08T08:17:00.002-06:00

Beauty beyond description........

http://www.godvine.com/Hand-in-Hand-The-Most-Inspiring-Dance-You-Will-Ever-See-648.html

My lia sophia Party and So Much More

2012-01-23T09:23:00.016-06:00

I have always loved watching my kids grow up.

I have always loved watching my kids evolve and become who they wanted to be.

I have learned that I could never have planned their lives for them.

I have learned that their hopes and dreams belong to them.

It has been like watching an adventure movie, with twists and turns, changes of scene and new characters showing up. (And, I love all the characters!)

My daughter, Sarah, is almost two years out now from being diagnosed with breast cancer. It is hard to believe that two years has gone by, but it has. Life is broken down into three parts now. Life before cancer. Life during cancer. Life after cancer. Who you are in each of these thirds is different. All you have to do is look at pictures and you can see the outward and visible differences. What you don't see is the inward and invisible differences.

Sarah has started something new in her "life after cancer" third. She doesn't necessarily understand why she is loving what she is doing, but she is. Somehow, it excites her and makes her feel good. Somehow, she knows it is a forum for helping women. She is following her heart and responding to what feels right for her.

Sarah has become a lia sophia jewelry consultant. She went to a lia sophia party last year to support a friend. She agreed to host a party to help out that friend. I was at Sarah's party and agreed to host a party to help Sarah out. Sarah agreed to become a consultant so she could do my party.

This is making me laugh. If you are following this, I am glad.

The point is, Sarah is loving being a lia sophia consultant. It is fun. She loves the jewelry. The jewelry is beautiful and can be worn so many different ways. One necklace can become two or three different looks depending on what you want to do with it...wear it long....wear it doubled...wear it doubled and twisted...combine it with another necklace for a totally different look...slip part of the neckace into one of the links...it seems you get multiple necklaces for the price of one.

Sarah didn't aspire to become a jewelry consultant. It came as a direct result of helping out a friend. And, she knows there is something here that God is using her for. Little did she know, it would become a new thing, a new love, in her life.

It is not always up to us to know how we can or will affect someone else's life. Sometimes we just have to pay attention and say, "Yes." And, the rest will come. If we follow our hearts and do our part, we will know soon enough why we are doing what we are doing.

The party I had at my house on Saturday was such great fun! It was a small group. It was Sarah, my daughter Kara, Sarah's friend Kristi, and me. We abandoned some of the regular presentation and went straight to looking at and trying on the jewelry. It was like a bunch of girls doing "girl stuff." It was intimate. We talked and laughed. We took the time to pay attention to each other and say what looked good and what wasn't working. It is funny, but jewelry is not a "one type fits all."

Below are pictures of some of the jewelry. Sarah is still building her inventory. It will take time. But, there are catalogs to look at and a lia sophia website to visit. In fact, two other friends of Sarah's "came to my party" via the phone. They just talked to Sarah, told her what they wanted and Sarah could fill out the form. They ordered as though they were guests at my party, but did it by phone.

I can say that many of the things are even more beautiful in person. Some of them just make your jaw drop they are so pretty. And, the truth is, it is easy to feel pretty when you wear this jewelry. You just do.

Oh.....in addition.....hostessing a party is easy and fun! And, there are bonuses for hostessing a party. There are FABULOUS bonuses for hosting a party. Hostess prices on many of the pieces are really good. I got four beautiful pieces of jewelry at the bonus price. I will take pictures when I get them and post them. I just might break into song here any minute!

"I feel pretty...I feel pretty...I feel pretty and witty and gay." la la la....

Ok........here are the pictures....starting with Sarah.

The seven bracelets on the right come as a set. They are beautiful and can be mixed and matched with the gold one on the far left. The gold one on the far left also comes in the other metal colors. You can wear them all at once which makes them look like a cuff bracelet or break them up. Totally cool!

This chain is gorgeous. It has gold, silver, hematite, copper. It can be worn long or doubled or some of the chain can loop through one of the bigger links for a totally different look.

This necklace is stunning. It was one of the jaw-dropping pieces. In this picture it is doubled and twisted and catches the light so beautifully. And, yep, this is one that I am getting. In fact, the chain in the picture above, is also one I am getting. And, I am getting the seven piece bracelet set too. Shhh...that isn't all of it! I am getting more!

Yep, I will have a few pictures to share in a week or so.

Thank you Sarah for letting me be a part of this new adventure in your life. I am going to stand back and watch you evolve. I am going to watch and I am going to listen as the inward and invisible differences come to light. I will be right there, as this next third of your life takes shape, and it becomes clear how lia sophia will become an avenue for touching and helping other women.

I know, from my years of living, what appears on the surface is not necessarily the sum total of any life experience.

Yes, I am going to watch

Yes, I am going to listen.

It is the inner journey that tells the meaning.

I am just so lucky. I am just so very lucky.

In The Arms of the Angels

2012-01-12T19:23:00.007-06:00

Oh, how I hope this works. At the bottom of this post is a link to click on to hear this most beautiful song sung by Sarah McLachlan and Josh Groban.

I got this in an email today from a site I have really enjoyed. It is so beautiful and gives me some peace with the passing of my dad.

I wasn't expecting to feel the grief, the way I am, as I took my Christmas decorations down. I realized that once Christmas was over, there was nothing between me and the grief anymore. So, I started to feel.

I also realized as I looked at pictures of my mom and dad, that so long as my dad was alive, my mom was still here too. Now, it feels like I have lost both of them.

My mom died in 2001. I know it makes no sense. But, that is the way it is hitting me.

Who am I to question life?

Who am I to question death?

Last night, as I lay in bed, I got an image of my mom and dad as they were in a picture from long ago. It made me smile and brought me some peace.I wonder when the images of my dad will go away. Perhaps, never.

I find it hard to look at pictures. And, when I look at videos, it is his voice that I love. So, in the arms of the angels, my dad is pain free and holding my mom in his arms.

Please click on the link below to hear this beautiful song.

Love, Judy

www.godvine.com/In-the-Arms-of-an-Angel-Duet-by-Josh-Groban-and-Sarah-McLachlan-1023.html

Christmas 2011 ... A Slideshow

2011-12-26T15:45:00.006-06:00

Christmas 2011 was a Christmas filled with so many emotions. With my dad's dying on December 10, our family was keenly aware that the oldest member of our family would be looking down on us and watching us do our best to carry on the family traditions. He would have loved the decorations, the lights, the food, the talk, the laughter and the sounds of the children.

I placed the sweater my dad always wore over his chair at the dining room table. It made it feel like he was there.

We celebrated Christmas in the spirit of family, and family is what my dad was all about!

I hope you enjoy the slideshow. Merry Christmas and thank you to everyone who has held me and my family in your thoughts, prayers and loving arms! Judy

When The Silence Comes

2011-12-22T23:02:00.008-06:00

(Dante's Prayer) Click to play.

My last post was on December 4th.

On December 10th, I got the call I didn't want to get.

My wonderful dad breathed his last breath. He died within a few minutes. If he wasn't in pain or fear I am glad. Glad for him. I wanted him longer, but not if he was in pain or unable to be in life as he had been for his 99 years.

I have been surrounded by my family. Each day I have been able to see them is like Christmas to me.

I know Christmas Day, this year, will not be the same as it has been for many years. My dad had two places in my house that he sat. He always sat on one cushion of my couch in my fireplace room as the family visited. And, he had his place at my dining room table for years.

It is when I think of seeing him in those two places that I feel the emptiness of his not being here.

I have kept busy. There is Christmas to prepare for. My house is the Christmas house. There are little ones who still want and need the magic of Christmas. There have been presents to buy. There has been food to buy. There are presents that are still unwrapped.

There is a heart inside me that is ok so long as there are things to do and people to be with.

But, the things get done and the people go home.

And, I am left with the silence.

It is in the silence that my throat unclogs and the screams of loss are heard.

It is silent no more.

I miss my dad.

I don't like this.

I don't like this at all.

And, I just breathed clear down.

Maybe I will sleep tonight.

Because I broke the silence.

Christmas Magic

2011-12-04T11:29:00.010-06:00

Please......open the door and come on in. Welcome to my world, and welcome to my Christmas house!

Be prepared to have your heart melt as you watch the magic of Christmas in Jackson's face and experience the innocence and pure joy as he discovers things in my Christmas tree room.

In this last video I am remembering my mom, who died in 2001. Our last Christmas with her was in 2000. The last thing I did with her was, as she sat in her wheelchair at my kitchen table shortly before going home, my sister, Linda, and I sang Silent Night with her. It was pure majic.

Silence Has Words

2011-12-01T23:54:00.005-06:00

(Dante's Prayer) Click to play.

In my silence there is a volume of words. I am internal right now. Sometimes, in this silence, even I don't know the words that are unspoken.

And, then............words come...words I didn't know were there come in the darkness of night.

There are two years of words.

There are words, that if I speak them out loud, make the last two years real.

If the last two years are real, I have to feel them.

And, I finally can.

I know there is healing in the spoken word.

I know there is healing in the daring to feel unwanted realities.

And, that is the truth of the matter tonight.

The other truth is I have the hiccups : )

There are some truths that just simply have some humor.

So, I am off to bed, all the better for breaking my silence with a few words.

How To Enjoy Recovery From Surgery

2011-10-14T11:15:00.004-05:00

I am finding being the nurse at home is multi-dimensional. I have temporarily taken over the things Tom used to do. I cook, tidy things up, converse, so Tom has some company, bring things to Tom that he needs, protect his environment by removing the phone from the bedroom so it won't wake him, change the dressing on his incision, make sure he has soft, yet enough, light to work by, go up and down the stairs multiple times during the day, which is teaching me to stop and think before I leave the floor I am on and all this is good.

You see, we live in a two story home with a mostly finished basement. My computer is two floors down from where Tom is. You may wonder how we stay in touch. That was a simple problem to solve. He calls me on his cell phone. It works really well. I also check on him to see if he is sleeping and if all is well. We have worked out a system that feels mutually respectful.

I know that the energy in the house is important. Good energy can't help but promote healing and part of good energy is humor. Humor heals.

Below is a video of gentle humor from this morning. Thanks Tom for being a good sport!

Tom's Surgery Update

2011-10-13T14:45:00.010-05:00

Tom's back surgery went really well. Dr. Kim got the piece of disc removed and now we need to see what the nerve wants to do. She couldn't tell us that. She said ... "First, the nerve needs to heal and then we will see what happens. Recovery could mean weeks to months." What I think that means is we won't know for a while whether or not the foot will change and to what degree. There is no noticeable difference yet in how high he can raise the toes on his left foot. He only has occasional pain in his left calf. He is still limping when he walks. His mood is good and I think he is actually enjoying a part of letting others take care of him.

It is easy to want an instant result and I don't think that is in the cards. I asked if we could have a referral to a physical therapist and the answer to that is, "Yes." We were both pleased with that because we had heard not all surgeons will make that referral.

Tom is home. From the time we left home on Tuesday at 8:00 a.m. and when I brought him home at approximately 8:30 a.m. on Wednesday he had had back surgery. 24 hours....from check in to check out!

Tom will be a patient of mine for up to the next three weeks. I am his nurse now and so far he hasn't fired me : ) I pretty much try to have all his needs met that he doesn't even know he needs before he knows he needs anything at all. Raise your hand if you followed that last sentence.

I have posted three pictures since so many of you have emailed or called to check in and see how he is doing. We are taking things a day at a time and honoring his need to rest and eat well and walk a little and talk a little. It is nice to take care of him and have him be so appreciative. I think there is something to one's attitude and one's healing.

Tom being wheeled away to surgery

Tom on drugs....he was happy and fun...I think he felt no pain

Tom at home recovering...notice his side table, bed tray and bed desk

The adjustable bed is the one I got when Sarah had cancer so she could recover as easily as possible. It is working perfectly for Tom as well.

You know, life is good. Yesterday, I asked Tom how he was feeling about everything. He said, "The whole experience has been ideal. We have good doctors who got us in for appointments immediately and Dr. Kim, the neurosurgeon rearranged her schedule to fit us in for surgery right away. We are really lucky."

In our new office building there is a physical therapy office on the top floor. I checked to see if they take Medicare and they do. It seems we should be able to have Tom do his PT right in our own building.

All in all, the surgery and the recovery are good. All of your thoughts, love, caring and prayers meant and continue to mean a lot. Recovery comes in stages. Right now we couldn't be more pleased or more optimistic.

Thanks everybody........

Love, Judy

Update On Tom

2011-10-10T21:10:00.006-05:00

My last post left off with letting you all know that Tom was scheduled to see a neurosurgeon concerning his left foot drop. The appointment was last Thursday and no time was wasted getting him scheduled for surgery.

A small piece of disc, that has broken off in the area of L5 S1, is pressing on the nerve root and it is stopping the communication that tells the leg muscle to lift the toes/foot.

I would like to say we can be confident there will be a full/permanent recovery. I can't. It seems there are "windows" of opportunity when maximum recovery can be expected. We have missed the first window and are now into the second window. We may or may not get full recovery. It is possible we will get only partial recovery.

Check in time is 8:30 a.m. and surgery is scheduled for 11:00. My daughters, Sarah and Kara, will be spending most, if not all, the day with me. That is how we do it. We do these things together. I know our son, Adam, would be with us too if he weren't so far away. He has kept in close touch by phone.

Please send your thoughts, love and prayers for Tom, me, our family, the doctors, nurses, anesthesiologist.....all those who love and care for Tom. I believe in the power of prayer.

I will post as soon as I can to share the result of tomorrow's surgery.

Judy Explains

2011-10-04T10:24:00.005-05:00

It has been almost two months since I last posted. I feel bad. I have had so many wonderful people who supported and encouraged me over the last half year as I trained for the 3 Day for the Cure.

I want to explain why I haven't posted. I thought it might get easier, but in fact, it is getting harder.

I walked most of the walk on Friday. With reluctance, but with cheers from my team mates, I hopped a short ride in the sweep van. That gave me a little time to cool down and rest up. I walked Saturday morning, but believe I got dehydrated, so did not walk Saturday afternoon. I joined the ranks of the cheering section along with Dave, Davey, Derek, Jackson and Tom.

Saturday night, I drank gallons of Powerade and got a good rest. By Sunday morning I was raring to go. As we were walking a sidewalk somewhere in St. Paul, my cell phone rang. It was Tom. He told me my dad was in the emergency room at St. Francis hospital. Sarah was a little ahead of me, and as she looked back to see what was happening, knew instantly this was probably about my dad, and said, "You're done!"

As soon as Tom could come get us we headed to the hospital. We believe he had a TIA, small stroke, and I spent the rest of Sunday and Monday at the hospital. Sarah was able to go back to finish the walk and share in the final celebration.

He is old. They can't do anything. Anything they could do would be too risky and could change his quality of life. So, we were sent home to take good care of him and spend as much time enjoying him as we can. It is hard. He looks so good on the outside, but things on the inside are wearing out. It is hard to let it in that our time is limited.

A week later, on September 4, we had a 99th birthday party for him. Following the party, the focus shifted to moving Tom's and my office, which I have been working on for probably four + months.

Everything that has happened seems to be happening so close together, it seems they are happening simultaneously. And, they all have emotion attached. There was no time to recover from the walk. I guess maybe I kept right on walking. I kept walking into the next life changing event or transition.

I haven't had time to feel. I knew if I wrote I would feel. I knew I had to feel. I just didn't know when.

Last week, I thought...ok...things are slowing down...coming to an end...the office is coming along...that was the last big thing that needed my attention....I can relax a little and do a post...I felt like I had abandoned the people who cared about me...I wanted to write and explain once I felt I could take some time...to let go and let down...

It didn't happen. I am doing a post, but not because I can let down. I am doing a post because if I don't, I don't know when I will be able to.

While we were moving, Tom got some hip pain. The pain moved down his left thigh, left calf, left ankle and then his left foot dropped.

He had an MRI last Friday and our primary doctor urged us to make an appointment with a neurosurgeon. With help from our doctor, a neurosurgeon has made room in her schedule to see Tom this Thursday, October 6.

I don't know what will happen. Our doctor was adamant we get in to a neurosurgeon ASAP. She said, if the neurosurgeon looks at the MRI, time will be made ... and it was.

So...to my dear family and friends and all who read and follow my blog...I wanted you to know why so much time has gone by since my last post. Life just got big. Then, it got bigger. And, it seems it is still getting bigger for now.

I got to have a few tears this morning. I held it together until I said thank you to the nice girl, named Holly, who called from Dr. Kim's clinic. She has a nice voice and she gave me good news. "We have scheduled Thomas for this Thursday, October 6, at 10:30."

Sometimes a job is so much more than a job. Amazing the gratitude and relief I felt hearing an appointment had been scheduled. I will tell Holly what a nice voice she has.

I will write more. I will write again. I promise. I will write for you and I will write for me.

Love,
Judy

The Training Continues....The Day Is Coming

2011-08-13T17:32:00.012-05:00

What a beautiful day! What a beautiful place I live. What a beautiful place I have to train for the 3-Day.

This is the last weekend of clocking the miles before the 3-Day for the Cure. Today was a 10mile day and tomorrow is an 8 mile day.

I cannot believe how much better I am at walking the miles and how much I look forward to walking now.

If you read my previous post, you will remember something good happened to me while sitting on the bench along the path. I came to some kind of peace with this whole event. I found a calm and peace inside myself that resulted in a wonderful perspective.

I know now that I am not going to miss the walk. Maybe that sounds funny, but there has been such an emphasis on the training, and really, I did go straight from my recliner to the treadmill when I signed up for this, that I had serious questions about being able to do this and come out of it alive. With so many questions about my ability, I think I have carried a little bit of worry.

And....and.....and....I don't anymore!

Not only can I say, "Let's do this!," I can say, "I know I can do this and I know I will see, hear and feel every single moment!"

I am going to walk for so many people. I am going to walk with my daughter. I am going to thank God that I am walking with my daughter. I have been given this gift to walk with Sarah. Thank you God.

So, today was another one of those beautiful days. The sky was blue. The clouds were absolutely exquisite. The last one and a half miles were shared with Tom and my new pocket camera.

I bought it new so I would be able to take pictures and videos on the walk next weekend. I hope I captured some of the beauty of the day. Please enjoy the pictures and the video.

The countdown is starting! I am happy! I am calm! I am at peace!

Let's do this!

Below is a video from the last part of my walk. Listen to the sounds and enjoy the beauty of this day. I am so lucky to live so close to Medicine Lake. It has become an important part of my training.

One Week From Tomorrow

2011-08-11T15:20:00.002-05:00

Where has the time gone? I think time drifts by, like clouds in the sky, without our even noticing.

The 3-Day for the Cure is one short week away. One week from today, Sarah and her best friend, Kimmie, will be coming to stay overnight. Bright and early the next day, Tom will be driving the three of us to the opening registration for the walk.

60 miles in 3 days. 60 miles in 3 days. Or, the best you can do. Everyone who has signed up, trained and earned the required $2300.00 in fundraising is already a winner in my book.

I walked 5.43 miles today. Today was a 5 mile training day, so that felt good. We are supposed to train wearing the shoes, socks and clothing we will be wearing for the 3-Day.

Today, I wore a pair of medium cushioned smartwool socks and my second pair of Mizuno shoes that I am breaking in. They were great. I have been wearing the thick cushioned smartwool socks up until now but I like the medium cushion inside this second pair of shoes.

I am also adjusting to contact lenses for the walk. I have a lens that has correction for astigmatism in my right eye, single vision, and a lens that has a bifocal in it, no astigmatism correction for my left eye. They worked well today. Funny how the brain adapts.

And, I wore my new hat. It is a great hat. It has a wide brim that will shade my face, a flap I can either velcro up or leave down to protect the back of my neck and it is made of wonderful, lightweight, breatheable fabric that protects from the hot sun and the UV rays. It was like walking under a shade umbrella. I purposely walked where there would be little shade to see if it really worked. I loved it.

I was walking the last half mile and decided to sit for a while on a bench. I want to take you to that bench because it was the most relaxed and peaceful I have felt for a long time.

I was alone. The sky was the most beautiful sky I have seen since I can't remember when. It was blue and was filled with white clouds that came in so many interesting shapes and sizes. I just sat and looked and breathed and thought this is what I want the walk to be like. I was so in the moment. For a long time no walkers or bikers came by. I was alone.

I looked at the clouds. I started to think about my mom. I thought how she would be proud of me for what I am doing. I started to look at the clouds to see if I could see her face. I wanted to see her. And, then, seemingly out of nowhere, I swear I saw an eagle gliding through the clouds. I spoke right out loud. "Was that an eagle? That was an eagle. I know it was an eagle." I didn't see it again. But, I knew it was my mom letting me know she was proud.

I was quiet. I smiled. I got up from the bench. I said, "This is how I want to feel on the walk."

I don't want to miss a moment of the walk. At one point when I was walking today I felt tired. I said, as I have all along, "You can do this. All you are is tired. That is all."

And, then, I had a nice thought. I will imagine that God will put wings on my feet when I need them. That made me smile too.

It has been a good day....a reflective day...a day of gratitude...a day of moments.

One more week and I will be amongst 2400 people who have come together for an incredible event. Never in my wildest dreams, could I have imagined what I am about to do. I am at peace.

Back To Training (I Hope) And My Names List

2011-07-10T10:14:00.013-05:00

Sarah and me sitting on a bus stop bench with the beef jerky we brought for instant protein

I have so much I want to say in this post. Sometimes my thoughts come faster than my fingers can type.

After a three week break from my training for the 3-Day for the Cure, I hit the pavement yesterday with Sarah. It was hot, humid, sunny at times, breezy at times and always fun.

Well....sometimes it was too hot, too humid, too sunny...never too breezy and no matter what the weather conditions, it was always nice to be walking with Sarah.

We got a chance to talk. We talked about important things as we took breaks along the way. We talked of implants, changed bodies, people she knows whose cancer has come back...the need to celebrate the two year marker as that seems to be the time frame in which cancer often returns. At least, that is what she has been hearing in her Comfort Club, which she attends once a month.

We took frequent breaks. We sat on bus stop benches, stopped in at McDonald's, ate lunch at Applebee's, rested and got ice and cold water at Caribou Coffee and put ice chips on our foreheads, arms and down our shirts...ok..it was only me who did that last part.

We laughed. Then we laughed. And, we laughed some more. It was good to be back training together.

But, when we got back to my house and I took my left shoe off, my foot hurt on the instep and it looked like the bone was protruding. I iced it and Sarah called her doctor friend who told me how to treat it and I hope to be back training in a few days. For now, I am benched. It is best to take care of it immediately and then I will start training again with a little less vigor.

I am keeping a list of names of people to walk for. The list has grown. I don't know what it is, but when I think of the names you have given me and remember your words, "Will you walk for?".......

Something happens to me. It becomes very personal. Saying your families and friends names makes each step I take have great meaning and helps me keep going...one step at a time.

If anyone wants me to say the name of a loved one, please let me know and I will add it to my list.

I will be carrying the list of names with me when I walk in August.

And, I will walk!

I will walk for...........
Emma
Sharon
Carol
Barb
Danette
Priscilla
Robin
Becky
Elizabeth
Shirley
Cindy
Amber
Sarah
Angel
Lynn
Pat
Kathy
Karen
Curt
Betsy
Jennifer
Michelle
Vicki
Tina
Ellen
Janice
Keri
Mark
Gary

Thank you everyone for all your support, love, care, encouragement, thoughts, hugs, smiles and prayers.

Love,

Judy

Someone Remembered

2011-07-05T23:14:00.002-05:00

I was reading the paper yesterday...the obituaries...and I saw the name of a woman who was a client of mine over the years.

I kept looking at her name. And, I felt her life. I felt her presence...her joy...her inimitable style...and I missed her.

I can't stop thinking about her. I have a unique privilege in life. I get to know a person in so many ways. I am so honored...honored that people who sit in my office share their hearts and souls and depths of their lives.

I guess I want to say that the people I meet touch my life. They are not a file or a case...they are a person....

And, they leave a mark in my life.

May God hold her loved ones in the palm of His hand.

You touched my life.

A Great Visit With Adam And Family

2011-07-02T06:46:00.005-05:00

My son, Adam, and his family have been visiting this last week. It is the first time we have seen them since Christmas 2009. Adam was home for my niece, Briana's, funeral in February 2010, but otherwise we have been miles apart for far too long.

Below is a slideshow of pictures set to music of the last few days. The cast of characters includes Adam, Sara Beth, Kallsen (6) Parker (5), Sarah, Dave, Davey (7), Derek (5) Jackson (3) Kara, Sam, Christopher (18) Amelia (13), her friend, Haley, my sister, Linda, brother-in-law, David, Tom, my dad and me.

Kara cut Adam's hair. They are twins. Adam gave Sarah, Kara and me head scratchers so when you see a picture of the three of us girls with things sticking out of our heads, that is what they are. We went to Music In Plymouth, the big 4th of July gala in our community, which was a spectacular night. And, we spent time with my 98 year old father. It was a happy week!

I love family. I love my family. To have the oldest member at 98, and the youngest member at 3, and everyone in between together was wonderful! My grandsons, Josh and Joseph, weren't able to be here and oh, how we missed them.

Adam, Sara Beth, Kallsen and Parker leave this morning to head back to South Carolina. Goodness gracious I am going to miss them! They are taking Amelia back with them for a ten day visit. Have fun Amelia!

Training Post # 11...With A Thankful Heart

2011-06-21T22:22:00.006-05:00

I don't know how time can pass so quickly. Perhaps being busy makes a person not feel the days come and go.

I will catch everyone up to speed on the life of this 68 year old girl.

First of all........I have reached my fund raising goal for the 3-Day for the Cure, and exceeded it. I am over $2,400.00 as of today.

It is with a grateful heart I thank everyone for their support and financial donations. In order to walk the 3-Day for the Cure, I needed to raise $2,300.00.

Thanks to all of you I have met that goal, and with each step, will say a name of anyone you would like me to be walking for. With each step I take, if I can put a name to it, something wonderful happens inside me.

I am already walking for a few I know by name.........

Sarah
Angel
Lynn
Pat
Kathy
Karen
Curt
Betsy
Jennifer
Michelle
Vicki
Tina
Ellen
Janice
Keri
Mark

I have had to put my walking on the back burner for a few weeks. There are some business circumstances requiring my attention, and a fund raising garage sale at Sarah's this week, and a visit from my son and his family next week that I am preparing for.

I can't miss my life while I am training. I will train again. But, first, I get to see my son, his wife, and two of their sons next week. We have not seen them for a year and a half.

I brought them home from SC for Christmas, 2009, because I anticipated the death of my niece, Briana, and I wanted us all to be together. Then, Sarah was diagnosed with cancer and life was redirected. I smile. That is a nice way to put what has felt like a trip to hell.

I can't wait to see my son and his wife and their boys.

I want to hold them, hug them, hear their voices and laughs, and feel them as they live in my house for the days they are here.

Memories are going to be made. I want to be here. I don't want to miss life in the moment. God will help make me strong enough to carry out my training after their visit.

I will train.

I will walk.

I will walk for the names anyone sends me.

I will say your loved ones names with each step I take.

With all my heart I thank everyone who has supported me in my training and in my fund raising goal.

If you want to see my progress...my reaching of my goal...just click on the link below.......

http://www.the3day.org/site/TRC/2011/TwinCitiesEvent2011?pg=peditor&fr_id=1626&px=5787663

With a grateful heart I say good night.

I will keep you updated on my training.

I will keep you updated on my life.

Life is to be lived.

I intend to do just that.

Love,
Judy

Training Post # 10 .... Good Report On Sarah

2011-06-10T14:09:00.008-05:00

Ok........so a breath can be taken and a sigh can be heard around the world...a good sigh!

Sarah got the results of her endometrial biopsy and everything looks normal!!

I am so pleased, happy, ecstatic, thrilled, relieved, grateful and probably a few other adjectives as well. I am blessed. We are blessed.

So, now Sarah and I will walk with a spring in our steps tomorrow. Sarah will be coming over to stay the night tonight and we will get up and walk our 13 miles tomorrow. It is a big day! It is the biggest training day yet, and Sunday is a 9 mile day. We have already walked 9 miles this week. That totals 31 miles for the week!

I will see if I will be able to do it all. I am a bit under the weather, but am going to just go slow and pay attention to how I feel. We will walk in my neighborhood and will use my house as our home base to eat and rest. I have a yummy casserole in the oven that we will be able to scoop and heat in the microwave....instant nutrition!

I am very close to raising my $2300.00. The sooner I have my fund raising done my team will be able to check in online and make decisions about whether we will stay in the tent community or in a motel.

I think I need about $172.00 yet and then I will have met the goal.

If anyone has been thinking about donating and just hasn't done it yet, please do, or if anyone would like to consider donating it would be wonderful.

Your support really does help me walk. I say the names of my supporters as I take my steps and for some reason it helps, and even brings a smile to my face.

The link to my personal page is listed below. You can check my progress and see just how far I have come and how far I have yet to go.

Thank you everyone so much for your encouragement and your hugs and questions about how I am doing in my training.

http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/2011/TwinCitiesEvent2011?px=5787663&pg=personal&fr_id=1626

Hugs,
Judy

Update On Sarah's Appointment Today

2011-06-03T15:30:00.002-05:00

I am at Sarah's house now. It is 3:30 p.m. and we are home from the doctor's. She had an ultra sound, a meeting with the doctor and an endometrial biopsy.

The ultra sound looked good...no fibroids or polyps that would cause the bleeding, but the thickness of the edometrial lining indicated she should have a biopsy.

Anything 4mm and under would indicate NO biopsy needed. Her reading was 6.3mm...so not too high...anything like 10mm or above is what they see if there is cancer.

So, things look good so far and we will get the results of the biopsy maybe next Friday, June 10 or early the following week.

We are tired and we plan to walk tomorrow over in my neighborhood. The doctor told Sarah to let her body guide her as far as the walking goes.

Our walking schedule for tomorrow is 12 miles. We will see how it goes. Sarah will be staying overnight at my house and we will give ourselves lots of time to walk and rest and walk and rest and then rest and rest and rest and rest : )

Your thoughts and prayers lifted me high this morning. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love and care. No matter which way I would ever fall, I know I would land on a blanket of angels.

Hugs,
Judy

Not A Training Post Tonight....A Post About Keeping My Wits About Me

2011-06-02T21:27:00.008-05:00

(Dante's Prayer) Click to play.

What better way to calm one's spirit than with music and nature.

Today has been a day of questions and uncertainty and what ifs. It has been a day of telling yourself not to worry. It has been a day of going about living as if everything was normal....as normal as it is when your daughter had cancer...and is, as far as we know, doing ok.

But......for the last three days my daughter has been bleeding.......on Tamoxifen.

Bleeding on Tamoxifen can mean any number of things I guess. One of the things it can be is a symptom of endomedrial cancer. It might just be her body coming back to a pre-menopausal state. Chemo shuts down your hormones and can put a young woman into menopause.

I might not make much sense tonight. I will do my best.

We have learned through this journey that what statistics say is not always true. Sarah's 36 year old cousin, Briana, died of uterine cancer, a cancer that strikes women my age...........68!! Briana died of it!!

Her main symptom was profuse bleeding that wouldn't stop. So, when my daughter was bleeding profusely for three days, we take note.

Sarah has contacted the oncologist's nurse and her gynocologist. She has an appointment tomorrow for an ultra sound, a doctor's appointment and a potential uterine biopsy. That is a "maybe biopsy" based on the doctor's appointment I guess.

I will be there. That doctor's appointment will be at the same office where she was told she had breast cancer. That alone, has some anxiety for her.

We are all believing everything will be ok. That is the mind talking. Funny how your body goes where your mind can't stop it.

For those who pray......pray.

For those who don't.......hold us in your thoughts.

Thanks..........hugs, Judy

Training Post #9 ... 3-Day for the Cure....My Personal Page

2011-05-30T16:08:00.002-05:00

There seems to be a learning curve here and even a test of my patience going on today. The good news is I am still laughing.

Let's see if clicking on the link below will take you to my Susan G. Komen personal page.

http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/2011/TwinCitiesEvent2011?px=5787663&pg=personal&fr_id=1626

Training Post # 8 ... 3-Day for the Cure...Hope This Works!

2011-05-30T15:18:00.002-05:00

After much teeth gnashing, nail biting, lip biting, tongue biting and enlisting Tom's help, (I had to install a new browser to get this to work because that is the browser that worked for Tom) I am now able to post the widget that will get everyone to the donation page. It is still not my personal page, which I really do want to be able to share, but it is more than I had seven hours ago.

Thank God I am laughing.

Anyway, I hope this works and I am going to test it now.

I might have to make a recording of me laughing. That would be so much better than a recording of me crying.

Here goes....................................Judy is going to click now......I think it works!

Training Post # 7.....3- Day for the Cure...The Last Two Days Were Hard But We Walked In The Sunshine Until The Sirens Went Off

2011-05-29T19:39:00.015-05:00

(Walking In The Sunshine) by Roger Miller. I loved Roger Miller. Click to play.

The last two days were hard. Sarah and I walked ...what was it.... 11 miles yesterday. We did hills. We did going up hills. We did going down hills. It was the most hills I have done to date.

We walked outside until the rain came and the sirens sounded. We caught a ride home since the sunshine had ended and finished up at the Y in Sarah's neighborhood.

I went to bed early and slept nine hours. I woke up and wondered if I would be able to get out of bed.

I did get out of bed knowing I had 5 more miles to do today.

I had to talk to myself. I had to tell myself I could do it. I started getting ready to go to the Y. With each article of clothing I put on, I began to feel that I would be able to do it.

And, I did.

I did it.

Enough said.

I must not forget to say....I am training for the 3-Day for the Cure....a 60 mile walk in three days to raise funds for breast cancer.

I am walking for my daughter, Sarah, and so many others who were never given the chance to walk, for those who cannot walk for so many reasons, and for those who will come after us.

Sarah has learned of so many breast cancer patients whose breast cancer has mestastisized. The cancer has come back in their brains, their spines, their livers.

I pray there is a cure for this dreadful disease.

I can do something. I can walk. I can raise funds.

Oh, yes. I get tired. I am tired. But..............that is ALL I am.

I will walk. I will walk until I can't walk anymore.

I must raise $2,300.00 in funds to do this walk.

It is taking everything I have.

I am asking for your support. If you are able to make a donation, please consider doing so.

I will walk for your dollars. I will walk for my daughter. I will walk as far and as long as I can walk.

To make a donation...

1. Please click on the link below.
2. Then click on Donate to a Participant on the right.
3. Type my name into search for a participant.
4. My name will appear in a box as you scroll down.
5. Click on Donate now and go from there.

http://www.the3day.org/site/TRC/2011/TwinCitiesEvent2011?pg=peditor&fr_id=1626&px=5787663

I thought I had it figured out how to take you to my personal page so you could check my progress and make a donation, but alas, I seem to be in training for this too : ) I hope I get it figured out. There is a way to do it!

Thanks,

Judy

Training Post # 6 .. Second Post Today....Who Knew?

2011-05-27T13:21:00.011-05:00

Who knew that I, Judy Wright, would ever be training for a 60 mile walk in three days?

I can tell you that if I had had a crystal ball 40 or more years ago, I could not have or would not have foreseen this.

My family knows me mostly attached to my recliner. They may even think it and I are one.

Close to 170 training miles later I only visit my chair now to rest and recover until the next walking day.

I have started defining myself as an athlete in the making. This could be a slight stretch, but I am finding humor is a pretty good companion as I train.

I read a quote that I like and think speaks to my "new" life.

"Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken." Frank Herbert.

The change that awakened me was not my little girl crying in the night, but the phone call I received that led to my daughter's diagnosis of breast cancer.

Oh, yes, this sleeper awakened.

And, I have found personal resources I didn't know I possessed, including my ability to train for this incredible walk that my daughter and I will walk hand in hand.

Let's do this!

One step at a time!

Please take a look at my personal page on the Susan G. Komen website and consider supporting me in reaching my $2300.00 goal in fund raising.

http://www.the3day.org/site/TRC/2011/TwinCitiesEvent2011?pg=peditor&fr_id=1626&px=5787663

Thank you...Thank you....Thank you!

Judy

Training Post # 5 ... 3 Day for the Cure ... Come Rain Or Shine

2011-05-27T09:26:00.011-05:00

Come rain or shine Sarah and I will be walking August 19, 20 and 21st in the 3 Day for the Cure.

We have been training for weeks now. So far, Sarah says we have walked over 170 miles, and we have miles to go before we reach the finish line. Below are two pictures from one of our training days a couple weeks ago.

It was raining. Sarah called it a drizzle. I called it a torrential downpour with the wind whipping the ice cold pellets of rain in our faces. We had fun. We laughed. We said how good it was to be doing this together.

We are a team. We have been a team from the beginning of this journey.

This week our training looks like this....

Tuesday....walk 3 miles
Thursday....walk 5 miles
Saturday....walk 11 miles
Sunday....walk 5 miles

And, it goes up from here!

I'm getting better. I am in better condition. After walking my 5 miles Tuesday, I could still do lots of other things. The first day I walked 5 miles I think I was rendered useless the rest of the day.

Yep, I am becoming an athlete : )

At the bottom of my post you will find the link to my personal page on the Susan G. Komen website. You can check my progress in my fundraising efforts. I need to raise $2300.00.

I am coming along in this effort and I still need donations. If you are willing to make a donation, you can do this easily on my personal page.

Thanks ... Love ... Hugs ...

Judy

http://www.the3day.org/site/TRC/2011/TwinCitiesEvent2011?pg=peditor&fr_id=1626&px=5787663

Training Post # 4 .. 3-Day for the Cure

2011-05-13T21:23:00.002-05:00

I wish I had a picture to put up but I don't. This week has been the hardest training week yet.

The total number of miles I must walk this week is 24. 24 miles.....24 miles....So far I have walked 19 miles. I have 5 more miles to walk on Sunday.

Each week I try and push myself a little more.

Thursday, I went to Sarah's house so we could walk 10 miles together. The hope was to walk 10 miles outside. It was raining and we had some time constraints, so we were only able to walk 4.2 miles outside.

This is not a small matter. It was the first time I have walked outside because it has been so cold out. So, the new things I did on Thursday were...

1. Walked outside on different surfaces
2. Walked at a faster pace, some of the time, because Sarah just walks faster
3. Walked up and down hills which is different than walking on a treadmill

When we couldn't walk anymore outside because it was raining, we drove to the local Y in Sarah's neck of the woods.

There I pushed myself a little more by increasing my pace. I did a little time at 2.9 mph which was new for me.

When I left Sarah's I still had 3 miles to walk at my Y. I continued to push myself and do the first 2 miles at 2.9 mph and then cut it back to 2.7.

I was so proud of myself. I walked ten miles total that day, walked up and down hills, walked faster more consistently and kept my good humor to boot. Lots to be said for keeping one's good humor : )

Tonight, after walking 6 miles today at my Y, my feet hurt and I am glad to just be able to sit and relax.

You know though, I am reminded in so many different ways, that no matter what my physical push is, no matter what aches or pains I feel, there is a truth.......and that truth never changes........

I get to do this.......I get to train........I get to walk.........I get to earn funds.......I get to push myself harder than I have ever pushed myself physically...I get to do this....

So many people don't get to do this.....their "get to" was snuffed out. All I get is tired and my feet hurt and I take a minute to straighten up when I get up from sitting down...but that is no big deal. No.........I get to do this!

A couple of days ago, I was at a 4-way stop intersection in my neighborhood. It was my turn to go. And, not one, but two cars sped through their stop sign. If I hadn't been watching closely I could have been hit twice.

Know what my first thought was?

I thought if I had been hit, how would that affect my training?

Would I be able to walk in August?

Yes, I get to do this! I want to get to do this!

I look in the mirror and see a person I haven't met before. Oh, make no mistake, she still has my body. But, her thinking and commitment to "walking the talk" and "talking the walk" is ever present.

When I walk on the treadmill, I still close my eyes when I feel tired and my feet hurt, and I just keep saying, "You can do this. I am so proud of you. Just keep going....left, right, left, right." And, I do.

And, when the end of the walk for that day is done, I smile.

I always smile. Because I did it.

I "got" to do it.

I still need financial donations to reach my $2300.00 goal. If anyone is interested and willing to make a financial donation, please click on the link below. You can check my progress and count yourselves as among the people who help lift my feet when they are tired.

http://http://www.the3day.org/site/TRC/2011/TwinCitiesEvent2011?pg=peditor&fr_id=1626&px=5787663

Thank you! Each and every one of you is important to me! Together, maybe we can make a small impact on a huge disease.

Hugs,
Judy

Training Post # 3...Videos From The Walk

2011-05-09T22:38:00.011-05:00

I can only say what an incredible experience it was to walk in the Race for the Cure on Mother's Day.

I can only tell you that the spirit of Sunday's event was overwhelming.

I can only imagine what walking the 3-Day for the Cure in August will be like.

And, I can do my best to communicate what it was like to walk past the many supporters that came out and stood and waved and cheered all of us on.

I made eye contact with many of those people. Strangers. I had never seen them before and I doubt I will ever see them again. But, there was something about that moment when our eyes met and we exchanged smiles. They would say things like, "Keep walking!" "You can do this!" "Thank you!"

In those brief encounters between strangers a common purpose was felt. And, then we were not strangers at all. We became one. A lone man, sitting on a cement retaining wall, smiled as I passed, leaned toward me and said, "Happy Mother's Day!"

I am putting on a series of videos of the walk. I want to share the sound and as much of the atmosphere as I can.

I was so inspired by the day! I knew my decision to walk the 3-Day in August was the right decision. It's funny, but I felt a sense of quiet calm and confidence that my training will be ok somehow. I will make it. I will make it step by step. If my feet are moving, eventually a mile will be walked. That will only leave 59 more to go. And, so on and so on and so on!

I hope you enjoyed the videos of the Race for the Cure.

Because every walker needs to earn $2300.00 in fundraising if you are willing to consider making a donation in support of my walking, you can go to the Susan G. Komen website by clicking on the link below. Every donation helps me reach my goal. Check my progress! Thank you!

http://http://www.the3day.org/site/TRC/2011/TwinCitiesEvent2011?pg=peditor&fr_id=1626&px=5787663

Training Post # 2 Race for the Cure Mother's Day...Slideshow at Bottom

2011-05-08T22:22:00.014-05:00

Yes, it was mother's day today, 2011. Mother's day, 2010, was lost. I can't remember where we were in the order of Sarah's cancer schedule, but I do know not one of us was thinking about celebrating mother's day. Life, as we had known it, had gone on hold.

Today was a celebration of survivorship. Today was a day to give back. Today was a day to walk amongst more than 55,000 cancer survivors and co-survivors.

Today was the Race for the Cure, a three mile walk at the Mall of America, that raised millions of dollars in funds for cancer research.

Why is this important for my training post?

It was the first time I have walked on something other than a treadmill in my training. I did well. I learned some things. I learned I can do this. I learned when you walk and come upon supporters standing on the side of the road banging pots and pans and waving and shouting their support, you forget about your feet. You forget about being tired. You lose touch with your body. All you see and hear is a throng of people that is sharing their energy with you. You can go on. You know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you can walk as much and as long as you have to.

Today, I got faith. Today, I got hope. Today, I got strength. Today, I got power. Not bad for a day's walk!

Today was the beginning of the 3-Day for the Cure in a sense. It was internal.

Today was about the Race for the Cure. Yes, it was.

But, more than that, today was about my daughter. I will walk for her. I will walk for so many others who were never given the chance to walk. We filled out a pink sheet, that on one side said, "In celebration of....," and on the other side said, "In memory of....". Yes, some don't get the option to walk. Sarah and I do.

I hope you enjoy the short slideshow I made from some of the pictures from today. The slideshow appears at the bottom of this post.

And, if anyone is willing and able to make a financial donation, it will be greatly appreciated. Each walker must earn $2300.00 to do the walk. You will find the link to my personal page on the Susan G. Komen site down below. You can donate there and you can check my progress as well.It is not for me, it is in support of me.

At the survivor's ceremeony, following the walk today, there was a woman who was a 65 year survivor. May God grant, if anyone is impacted by this dreaded disease called cancer, that they live a long and healthy life, albeit a new life. Life is never the same after cancer. My feet were sore after walking, but tonight they are fine. I am surprised at how well the training I have done is preparing me for the 3-Day for the Cure in August.

I am happy. I am proud. I am content. I am dedicated. I will walk for those who could not or cannot walk. I have never felt anything quite like what I experienced today. Who knows, I might just be an athlete in the making. What I do know, is the experience and memory of today, did a whole lot for my training. I hope you enjoy the slideshow!

http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/2011/TwinCitiesEvent2011?px=5787663&pg=personal&fr_id=1626

Welcome To My World Of Training

2011-05-03T13:39:00.005-05:00

I am sitting in my recliner aware of my aching feet. These feet have taken me, step by step, across 8.26 miles this morning. I am proud. I am happy. I went the distance. I didn't know if I could do it. And, I did do it. I am proud of myself.

I have been training for the last six weeks for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure on August 19, 20 and 21st. The 3-Day for the Cure is a, 60 miles in 3 days, walk to raise funds for cancer research.

Thousands of women and men do this walk because their lives have been touched by cancer. This is one way they can give back to all those who walked before them and hopefully give to those whose lives will be touched by cancer in the future.

My life was touched by cancer. I understand the need to give back. When my daughter, Sarah, was diagnosed with breast cancer the day before her 42nd birthday I knew next to nothing about cancer. Now, I know more than I ever wanted to know about cancer.

We lost the year 2010 in the blur of her diagnosis, surgery, chemo treatments and follow-up appointments. Sarah is free of cancer now but we are not free from the effects of the last year. Cancer changes you.

Here is a picture of Sarah and me on her one year cancer free celebration cruise in March of 2011. She looks wonderful and is doing great!

I did everything with Sarah. I went to every appointment. I turned my front room into her recovery room. I still go to every follow-up appointment with Sarah. And, together, Sarah and I, with our friends, will be walking in the 3-Day for the Cure.

This is a huge commitment of time, energy, clothes, shoes and money. Each walker must raise $2,300.00 to do the walk.

I wanted to start sharing my training with people. I have never done anything like this before. I have not been a regular exerciser in my life. I am literally going from my recliner to the treadmill and/or the pavement overnight. Having people ask me how many miles I walked on any given day keeps me motivated. Having people say encouraging words to me makes me feel like I am not doing this alone. Sharing the victory of more and more miles walked as I train makes me feel like an athlete.

I smiled as I wrote that last sentence. God knows that the word athlete has never fallen into a paragraph used to describe me. But, at age 68, who knows! I guess there is still time to be known as an athlete.

So, welcome to my world....a new world for me.

I have learned they make spandex workout wear in my size. That alone is a little scary. I have learned about moisture wicking sports bras, underwear, shirts, shorts, capris, and did you know that there are a multitude of athletic shoes that a person has to learn about and try to see which kind works the best for your foot?

I am getting educated. I am training. I am walking. I am learning new things about myself. I am going to keep new posts coming on this blog because I need to share this incredible decision I have made to do this walk.

I am also going to include my personal page on the Susan G. Komen website so anyone who wants to make a financial donation will be able to do that. I am almost halfway to my goal of $2,300.00. You can also see the progress that is being made toward reaching that goal.

http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/2011/TwinCitiesEvent2011?px=5787663&pg=personal&fr_id=1626

Today was my biggest training day yet. I will walk six miles tomorrow, five miles another day, yet to be determined, and on Sunday, Mother's Day, I will be walking three miles at the Mall of America in the Race for the Cure Cancer walk.

Every time I walk I close my eyes and say, "I can do this". My daughter is alive. She is alive because somebody walked before she was diagnosed. Thank you, and I have made a decision and a promise to walk for others.

Please check back in to see how I am doing. Please give me words of encouragement. They mean so much!

And, if just 120 people donate $10.00 I will reach my fundraising goal. If 60 people donate $20.00 I will reach my fundraising goal. Breaking it down like that makes it seem possible.

And, now I am off to work.

Hugs,
Judy

Cruise One.....Cruise In Review

2011-03-13T20:46:00.004-05:00

It is Thursday, March 10, 2011, the fifth day of Sarah’s cancer free celebration cruise, and I am sitting in the main room of the ocean suite Tom, Joe and I are sharing on the Carnival Glory cruise ship. Tom is out on the balcony rehearsing his music for the Chamber Choir concert he will be singing in the day of our return to real life. Joe has made his way into the lovely dressing room attached to the bathroom to get ready for the day. I am playing some music on my computer, and the cleaning crew, led by our wonderful personal steward, Wirat, (pronounced Wee to make it easy for us) will be here soon to clean and tidy our room. Wirat is wonderful! He comes with a sense of humor….lucky for us! (He told us when we say his name to only say one Wee…not two!)

You would think three fairly smart and competent senior citizens could navigate their way around a cruise ship without too much trouble. I guess that was expecting more of us than we could handle. It might not have been too much of a problem if one of us had remembered our room number. All of us knew it was on deck 7, but each one of us remembered different parts of our stateroom number.

As we wandered deck 7, I saw a nice young man and said, “Hi, we need help!” He asked if we needed to be let into our room. I said, “We do, but first we need to know our room number.” (We had our key card, but the room number is not on it for security reasons.) This is where being able to laugh at yourself comes in handy.

He took my key card and found our room for us and with a smile opened our door. It was only a short time later that he saw us come around the corner and called down the hall and said, “Come this way,” and made us all laugh. We have been good friends ever since.

We are docked today in Isla Roatan, Honduras. Sarah, Dave and Alyssa have gone off on a ziplining excursion. They will be gone for about 4 ½ hours. Davey, Derek and Jackson are in their fun kids programs at Camp Carnival and Tom, Joe and I are on duty in case of emergency. The folks at Camp Carnival give the parents cell phones in case they need to be reached. The three of us are hanging out on the ship for the day.

Yesterday, we all went on land in Belize. Interestingly, it wasn’t any one of our favorite days. It was stifling hot and humid and we mostly just saw shops and no real restaurants to sit down and eat. I did enjoy some of the shopping. They had some nice floaty sundresses I wish I had bought, and they had a flea market with some beautiful jewelry and wood carved figures of sea life.

We didn’t dock at the pier in Belize, but were transported on a smaller boat that rocked and rolled over the waves. It was a bumpy ride and I think it qualified as exercise if holding on and bouncing around counts. Looking around the boat you could tell the heat and humidity had taken its toll on everyone.

The day before Belize we stopped at Cozumel, Mexico. We all enjoyed seeing the shops and doing a little shopping, but the favorite part of our time in Cozumel was eating lunch in an open air restaurant. I was glad to see, printed at the bottom of the menu, the water they use is purified and double filtered for safety and our waiter assured us it would be fine.

Two musicians set up their Marimba close by and entertained us. Davey went up and put some money in their pot. Sarah and I each got a Marguerita and following lunch we found some chaise lounges and sat and watched the boats, the little boys played in the sand, we got some nice pictures and then we headed back to the ship.

I have never been on a cruise before. I have heard about them. I am thinking a cruise takes on a life of its own after a while. I think if you settle into the experience, the cruise will lead you. I don’t know if it is like that for everyone. Maybe it is. There is so much to do on a ship. You would never have to leave the ship to have something to do. When I leave our room, I am always glad to get back “home.”

Our stateroom has truly become home for the three of us. It is like we have four rooms. The bathroom, the dressing room, which has a closet and drawers as well as a dressing table and bench, (I have claimed that spot) the main living area which has sleeping accommodations for the three of us, a desk, closet and drawers and, finally our wonderful balcony.

We spend so much time on the balcony, day and night. The sky is always telling its story with the sun and the clouds during the day and the moon and the stars in the darkness of night. The ship makes its rushing noises as we move through the water and, in some ways; the rushing noises become another voice. When we dock they become silent.

It is 2:00 p.m. now, and Tom, Joe and I have had some lunch. On excursion days the regular restaurants are not open until dinnertime, but there is no worry we will starve. Food is available 24 hours a day somewhere on board. Follow your nose and you will find deli sandwiches, pizza, a Mongolian buffet, a plethora of desserts and soft serve ice cream.

We expect Sarah, Dave and Alyssa home soon and I am sure there will be much to tell about their zip lining outing. I, for one, am going to zip right out to the balcony. It feels really good to write a little bit about our week. It makes me feel like my family and friends are with me.

Sarah just called and said they are back safe and sound, that it was………….okay……….not all that great, and I would have hated every minute of it. Her assessment of my feelings is startlingly accurate because my daughter knows me! And, now I can breathe again.

Tomorrow we will hit Grand Cayman and we are all doing the Swim with The Stingrays…Visit Hell…and See The Turtles excursion. It is supposed to be the one thing to do in Grand Cayman. I expect there is a shorter name for this excursion but this is what I call it. A side note from Joe…..Joe just said…..”Except for Joe. I am not swimming with noooooooooooooo stingrays!” I don’t know what could be better than being in the water with hundreds of stingrays rubbing up against your body. At least, that is what I have heard. Truth be told, I have my doubts about it too!

It is 5:15 p.m….still Thursday, March 10.

We have left Isla Roatan and the afternoon was lazy and wonderful. I got into my jammies and shut the curtains and napped in the dark while Tom and Joe respectfully sat on the balcony. I woke in time to see what I might wear to dinner tonight.

The guideline is to look casual nice. I looked, with trepidation, at the clothes I had brought and wondered which ones would fit at this point in the cruise. If there is ever a next cruise I am bringing several sizes of clothes and will wear the small ones first and move up gradually.

Oh, the surprises that are in store for someone as they, not only cruise into new ports, but sail unabashedly into a new size of clothes, all inside seven days! It seems Tom and Joe are unaffected by this phenomenon. But, Tom says that is not the case. He says he and Joe simply brought bigger belts and still have a few notches left. I am somehow comforted by that.

A funny story about old people sharing a room….Tom came in from the balcony and said Joe was wondering why he couldn’t see. After twenty minutes of pondering his lack of eyesight, Joe figured out that he was wearing Tom’s glasses instead of his own. I won’t ask Joe to read the menu tonight. It really is good to be able to laugh at ourselves. I am loving this!

It is time to rock and roll to dinner now, and meet up with Sarah, Dave, Davey, Derek, Jackson and Alyssa. I fully expect to come back “home” with more stories to tell.

Back from dinner now……

You know some stories have action and some just don’t. Both Sarah and Dave agreed they were glad they went zip lining, but it didn’t have the “wow” factor they were looking for. They climbed many, many steps, did quite a bit of walking and it was hot. The little boys were tired at dinner but still want to go back to Camp Carnival to watch a movie.

Tomorrow morning the nine of us will be leaving the boat to do our Grand Cayman excursion. Tonight we will sleep to the gentle movement of the ship. We don’t always feel it. When I do, I think of it as being rocked or cradled.

Good night for now. Sweet dreams.

It is Saturday, March 12th. I am sick. I started getting swollen glands night before yesterday.

By the time we left for Grand Cayman yesterday morning I was running on low energy. As we were getting ready for the Stingray, Hell and Turtle Farm excursion an announcement came over the loudspeaker. There was a question mark about whether or not we would be able to do the excursion due to high winds and rough waters. We had to take a tender (the shuttle boat) from the ship to the pier and it is not always wise to do that. We sailed to a different side of the island though and all was well.

The reviews of the stingray part of the excursion were mixed. Derek thought it was awesome, Sarah and Dave loved it, Jackson spent some good time wrapped up in a towel on Joe’s lap on the boat, Tom enjoyed it, I could have lived without it and Davey thought it was a nightmare.

Essentially, this part of the excursion means you get in the water, which is really wavy and powerful, and the giant stingrays rub up against your body looking for food. Pieces of raw squid are provided for you to feed the stingrays. They advise you on how to do it so their powerful suction does not leave red marks on your hands. They also advise you not to touch their tails as that is where their stingers are. Between the words strong suction and stingers I was happy enough to get in the water to say I had done it, touch one stingray and call it a day.

For a more exciting review, I gratefully refer you to someone else.

Our visit to Hell was short lived. It is a small little town that has some gift shops and a post office so you can send postcards from Hell. There are areas that look like lava beds and that is about it. I took a picture of the lava bed like areas and a description of how it came to be that way.

The highlight of the excursion was the Turtle Farm and lunch. While we sat having a bite to eat Sarah spotted a beautiful peacock. Then we spotted three iguanas. Davey was in absolute heaven and by the time we left there, he said, “This was the best day ever!” So, for one little boy, at least, his day went from a nightmare to a dream made in heaven.

By the time we got back to the ship I was dragging. I stopped at the medical center and got some cough syrup so I could sleep last night. I may stop down there again today to see if they can dispense antibiotics.

Last night at dinner our waiters and waitress sang happy birthday to me. My birthday is March 16th. They brought me a lovely piece of chocolate cake with a candle. It was nice. If there is a halfway decent picture of that you will see me wearing Joe’s sport coat. I was so cold. Davey had put his little clip on tie on my dress and I probably look like I really did just return from hell.

Today is last day of the cruise and it is a ship day. We will hang out and pack up our things except for the things we will keep in our carryon bag. Our bags are collected tonight and we will have an early debarking in the morning in Miami.

Tom, Joe and I fly out of Miami Airport at 12:05 p.m. and will arrive home mid-afternoon. We pick up our car at MSP and Tom will head off to his chamber choir concert and Joe and I will head home.

I have many reflections about this trip.

I have moments that are the meaningful ones.

They don’t have to do with places.

They have to do with people.

They have to do with conversations.

They have to do with the looks on the children’s faces.

They have to do with Davey getting on my lap at dinner and sharing my sherbet with me.

They have to do with Derek’s excitement about the stingray excursion.

They have to do with Jackson reaching out at dinner last night and wanting to hold my hand.

They have to do with Tom, Joe and me enjoying our shared time together in our room, and our time on the balcony watching the water, watching the sky, seeing the moon and the stars.

They have to do with a conversation I had with Sarah yesterday, over the roar of the shuttle that took us out to the stingrays.

This was a celebration cruise. Sarah is cancer free. Sarah is alive. Sarah is still healing. I am still healing.

Yes, I have so many things left to say. Living with cancer and the endless journey you go on takes you places you don’t know exist until you get there.

Sarah…I love you.

I Registered For The 3-Day! Pictures At The End Of The Post!

2011-02-27T20:27:00.007-06:00

Well, I did it. I registered for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure cancer walk in August. I am going to walk 60 miles in 3 days. I am going to be training for six months, and this is going to be the biggest physical challenge I have ever undertaken.

For the last year, since February 22, 2010, I have done everything with my daughter, Sarah, who was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 42.

She has three little boys, Davey (7), Derek (5) and Jackson (2).

When Sarah was diagnosed, she faced her cancer head on. She didn't take time to wonder what she should do. She did the bilateral mastectomy. She did the four rounds of chemo. She did the side effects. She did the insomnia. She is currently in her first year of taking Tamoxifen, which she will take for five years.

She did everything without blinking an eye and barely shedding a tear. You don't have time to cry. You just do what needs to be done.

She did it all for three reasons. Davey, Derek and Jackson.

I am going to walk with her in August. How could I not? I have done everything with her since her diagnosis. Not doing it is not an option.

In addition to walking 60 miles, I have a commitment to raise $2300.00. I have a start made. Thanks to some wonderful people I have reached 14% of my goal.

I need help. I need support. I need prayers. I need cheering on. I need donations.

If anyone wants to make a donation, I would really appreciate it. The money raised will go to cancer research. I know Sarah has been helped by women who walked in the past. I know women will be helped because Sarah and I are walking. There are countless women who were never given the chance to walk.

I am absolutely compelled to do something to help. I will walk one step at a time and that is all it takes to walk 60 miles.

I am including the link to my personal page on the Susan G. Komen website. Anyone can make a donation online and keep track of my fund raising goal and I will also begin to post notes about my training.

http://www.the3day.org/site/TR/2011/TwinCitiesEvent2011?px=5787663&pg=personal&fr_id=1626

On March 5, Sarah, Dave, Davey, Derek, Jackson, Alyssa (the nanny), Joe (our friend from Ireland and also Jackson's Godfather), Tom and I will all be going on a cruise to the western Caribbean.

We will be celebrating Sarah's one year cancer free anniversary.

Below are pictures of Davey, Derek and Jackson in their fancy dress up clothes for our two dress up dinners on the ship.

I just laughed out loud at how beautiful and suave they all looked.

God has been good to us. I take none of our good fortune for granted. I have to give back. I have to do something. I can walk. One step at a time!

JACKSON IN CRUISE DRESS UP DINNER SUIT

DAVEY AND JACKSON IN THEIR CRUISE WEAR

DEREK IN HIS CRUISE WEAR

One Step At A Time

2011-02-20T09:00:00.004-06:00

I went to an introductory meeting for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day Walk for the Cure last Thursday night with my daughter, Sarah.

I was uncharacteristically quiet during the meeting and when the request to sign up was made, I said a quiet, "No."

When the second request to sign up was made, I again said a quiet, "No."

The truth is I was filled with so much emotion. I had heard stories and saw and felt such courage and determination to LIVE and to HELP and to GIVE.

I knew I wanted to be a part of this powerful community and do something. I just had to take me and my incredible emotions home and be with myself for a night.

I knew I would sign up. I knew I couldn't not sign up.

I have done everything with Sarah on this cancer journey. I have been with her from beginning to end.

How could I not do the walk?

I will walk for Sarah.

I will walk with Sarah.

I will walk for those who cannot walk.

I will walk for those that came before me.

I will walk for those that come after me.

It is one thing I can do.

I can walk.

I can walk 60 miles in 3 days.

I can do this....

One step at a time!

Something Didn't Work

2011-02-19T16:49:00.002-06:00

Sorry to all those I sent out an email announcing I had done a new post. I double checked to see if what I wanted to come up with a link actually came up and it didn't. So I deleted the post.

I will keep working on what I want to do. Until then....

Fighting The "What If'" With The "It's Not Gonna Be So"

2011-01-27T13:09:00.004-06:00

Sarah both emailed and called me yesterday to tell me she was going to, and had already, made an appointment with Dr. Bretzke. I tell it this way because I found out about the appointment being made before I found out she was going to make the appointment. Dr. Bretzke is the surgeon who did Sarah's bilateral mastectomy last March.

Sarah has been feeling a pain or a pang between her armpit and her implant on the right side. That was the side her two small tumors were located. She talked about this pain with Dr. Migliori in December and he thought it was because she was still healing from her reconstruction surgery. But, the pain hasn't gone away.

She wants to be checked out by Dr. Bretzke and she will also have a blood draw and have her "cancer marker" checked out along with other things.

This is new to us. In the new world of cancer you learn things you don't want to learn. One of those things is that a person can have a recurrence. They can be cancer free and have done all the right things in their treatment and one day....one day... it can come back.

There is something new you live with once you or a loved one has or had cancer. It is called the "what if." It is not something you dwell on. In fact, some days you forget cancer has invaded your world. You forget and you start to live.

And, when something reminds you of the "what if," it takes you off guard. You feel vulnerable once again. You wonder...how did it find me again? You get scared. And, you want to meet that fear with some new knowledge or wisdom or grace.

You leap to action. You make the calls to calm your fears. You become proactive again. You do whatever is in your power to take some kind of control. You look to the heavens and talk to God. You say, "Please, let it all be ok." You know, in some part of you, that it is going to be ok. The cancer won't be back.

You want to believe. You do believe. And, in the midst of believing, the "what if" creeps in. You let it have a voice. You do your best to make it a small voice. You know if you don't let it have a voice at all, you will make yourself sick. And, you have to stay well. You will stay well.

Sarah's blood draw is tomorrow. The results will be sent to Dr. Bretzke in time for the appointment next Tuesday. Dave and I will at Dr. Bretzke's with Sarah.

I haven't cried yet. My tears are still unshed. I feel them. I haven't given in to them yet. I expect I will. If I don't they will come anyway.

Grief is a funny thing. Our bodies don't know the difference between the imagined and the real. If we get afraid that something bad might happen, our bodies react as if it had happened. I don't know of a way to stop or change that. The best we can do is to know that that is a real phenomonon and talk to ourselves about it....and love ourselves in all our humanness.

And, believe.

Davey

2011-01-14T14:06:00.004-06:00

Sarah received this letter from Davey's teacher in her email today. I had to share it. If we ever wonder how our lives touch the lives of our children, rest assured, while we may not know exactly how, we can count on the fact that they do. I am so proud of Davey. He is 7 years old and in the 2nd grade. Here is the letter.

Sarah,

Davey has connected in a huge way with our “Pennies for Patients” campaign (leukemia kids in MN) which started today.

To our class, he talked about you going through cancer treatment and losing your hair...which was in our little video. We also talked about all the family love and support happening.

I asked Josie Vandewege (head of student council 4th and 5th graders) to let Davey be a special “mascott/helper” on some of their collection days. She’s going to look into this and make it happen.

What a wonderful little boy Davey is.

Paula

Our Family Slideshow

2011-01-08T23:29:00.006-06:00

WELCOME TO MY WORLD

A New Year And A Happy 98th Birthday Dad Video

2011-01-03T12:15:00.004-06:00

It's pretty amazing. 2010 is over. I want it to be over. It has been a hard year. It has been a year filled with the death of my 36 year old niece, Briana, two emergency room visits for my dad and Sarah's breast cancer and all that meant.

I feel better today, but I have spent the last five days doing nothing. I got worn out walking up the stairs so I rested. I didn't feel like eating much so I ate what sounded palatable and looked like I could at least swallow. I took some time to cry. I cried for many things. I let the tears flow from my eyes and words I didn't know were there be said.

There is healing happening. You think if you can get through something, it won't catch up with you. That's not true. Whatever you don't have the time to feel or take the time to feel will eventually find you.

I am glad I had the time to do what I needed to do and dared to do it. Some feelings hurt. They hurt to have them...they hurt to feel them...and if you do, they get better. I prayed to God through my tears. He said it was ok to weep. He said He weeps too.

I feel better.

It is a new year. I don't know all that is in store for me this year. I know there are many good things as I start this year. I am grateful for Sarah being cancer free and returning to her old self as time goes along. I am grateful for my dad being ok. I know we are going to be able to see Adam, Sara Beth, Joseph, Kallsen and Parker this summer if all goes according to plan. We are going on a one year cancer free celebration cruise in March and there will be other life altering things coming up I know. All of them will be faced with new wisdom, new breath, new eyes, renewed courage and less innocence.

The last two days I have found some new life in doing slideshows of photos set to music. The one I am sharing today is of my dad's 98th birthday party in September 2010.

I hope you enjoy it. It has a lovely ending.

I love you Dad! Thank you for being my dad! xo xo xo

Update On Sarah

2010-11-23T14:06:00.006-06:00

I headed down to Minnesota Oncology this morning to meet Sarah and Dave for Sarah's three month blood draw.

For two years following Sarah's last chemo treatment, she will have her blood drawn every three months. This blood draw checks things like her hemoglobin, platelets, blood cells and, most importantly, a cancer marker.

The cancer marker is ideally supposed to be below a certain number, but even if it goes up, it doesn't necessarily mean that her cancer has returned. But, they would take that marker seriously and watch her more closely and perhaps do some more testing. So far, her cancer marker has been good, and we should find out the results of today's blood draw tomorrow afternoon.

Sarah was in good spirits when we met. She fully expected today's appointment to be a non-event, and it really was. She is doing well on the Tamoxifen...no side effects...and she is slowly beginning to sleep a little better. Her hair is getting longer and it is so curly. How nice it is that she can say, "Look at my hair. It is sticking straight up. I can't do anything with it!

Below is a picture of Sarah, my other daughter Kara, and me at a wonderful Christmas event held at Kara's church. You can see how long Sarah's hair is just a week ago. It was such a fun night that we are going to make it an annual event. We are all starting to feel that life is taking on some normalcy and routine. And, we are having fun!

Fun....f u n.........f u n....we are having fun. God has granted us so much to be thankful for. Looking back we wonder what this year was all about. We know we went through it. We know there is a purpose. It has changed our lives. And, we are looking toward the future and living in and loving the present.

We are taking one day at a time, planning a cruise for Sarah's one year anniversary of being cancer free in March of 2011 and never forgetting how fortunate we are to all be together. When we get the results of her blood draw, I will let you all know!

Sarah, Me and Kara out having fun!

Wanna Play House?

2010-10-18T15:50:00.006-05:00

(What A Wonderful World) Click to play..it is cute with the story.

What would we do without children? Today has not been the best of days, (Sarah goes in for her final reconstruction surgery tomorrow morning and there is normal anxiety and other feelings that remain undefineable) but...but...but....God does provide us with bright spots that make us smile and laugh.

Case in point....

Here you see two pictures of Sarah's 5 year old son, Derek, and his friend, Mary Francis. They are the best of friends and Derek had Mary Francis over to play today after school.

Sarah overheard Derek ask Mary Francis if she wanted to play house. Mary Francis said, "Yes, I will be Mrs. Robinson."

Derek said, "And, I will be Mr. Lofquist."

Mr. Lofquist was Davey's, Sarah's 7 year old son's, kindergarten teacher.

If only they could understand why Sarah left the room so she could laugh and call someone to share the funny story.

I got to be that person today and I thanked God for the bright spot he put in my day.

A Powerful Message From Sarah

2010-10-13T16:56:00.006-05:00

(I Am But A Small Voice) Please click to play.

When you are finished reading this post, please play the song. Or, play it as you go. It doesn't matter. Just play it. Sarah has written a powerful message.

And, THIS is one of the many reasons I love my daughter!!!!!!

What is posted here is Sarah's response to an article she read in Better Homes and Gardens magazine. I encouraged her to send this letter to the editor. If even one woman's life can be saved because of reading this, then it will be successful!

From here on what you read will be Sarah's words.

_________________________________________________________________________________

My friend Lynn (also a breast cancer survivor) told me about this article in the October issue of Better Homes and Gardens. This is a copy of the Letter to the Editor that I sent.

Sarah

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Gayle,

In response to your article Testing, testing, in your October 2010 issue, I have some concerns. I realize the article was simply restating what has already been published, and was trying to show both sides of this issue. However, women’s lives are at stake.

Since you published this article, I would have appreciated having different quotes highlighted. For example: “In terms of cost, availability, and accuracy, mammography is among the best tools for detecting breast cancer.” And “…In both cases, the lifesaving benefits of screening outweigh any potential harms.”

And I have a question: You printed that the task force looked at the NUMBERS and concluded that mammograms deliver more minuses than pluses? Did I read that right?

So if 1903 of my 40-year-old friends and I went in for mammograms, and I was the only one that had cancer, the task force concluded that routine mammograms aren’t worth it? Not enough of a reason to screen us all? Saving my life is not reason enough to screen the rest?

WHO IS ON THIS TASK FORCE?

Any cancer survivors?

Anyone who’s a co-survivor?

Anyone who has lost someone to cancer?

Probably not.

They looked at the NUMBERS? How about looking at the faces of the women whose lives have been saved because of routine mammograms and self breast exams? Don’t forget to look at the faces of their families, too. Especially their children. Because these are the faces who may have lost their lives, or loved ones, had they followed your guidelines.

Numbers? Really?

I was diagnosed when I was 41. Because of a routine mammogram. I had 2 small tumors in my right breast. They could not be felt. Even when the doctors knew where they were. I was diagnosed at Stage IA.

I did not have any risk factors. What if I had waited until I was 50? And then thought to myself, if I can wait until I’m 50, and I don’t have to go every year, I can wait until I’m 51.

Well now, I probably would have felt something by then. Hah! Except that you also discourage self breast exams. I wonder how advanced my cancer would have become if I had followed your guidelines? When would I have been diagnosed? And how?

I shudder to think about it.

The numbers just didn’t add up?

Let me give you MY numbers. 41. 2. 3. 6. 4. 1.I was 41 when I had that fateful routine mammogram.

They found 2 tumors.

I have 3 boys.

They were 6, 4 and 1 when I was diagnosed.

And those numbers add up to routine mammograms every year after 40 being WORTH IT.

For my children.

For my sister.

For my mother.

For my friends.

And Gayle, for you, too.

Please take this into consideration the next time you publish an article about breast cancer. Women read your magazine. We could use your help in advocating for our health.

Sincerely,

Sarah

Breast cancer survivor

It Makes You Think

2010-10-11T09:33:00.006-05:00

(Gershwin's Lullaby) Click to play.

Sarah said something to me yesterday.

She said, "Oh, I keep forgetting to tell you something."

I said, "What?"

She said, "What day was I supposed to be born?" (She was born early on February 23)

I said, "You were supposed to be born on March 12."

She said, "March 12 was the day of my surgery! I was reborn on March 12!"

I smiled and said, "Yes, you were!"

You know, I think that is exactly what it felt like the the night of her surgery. I remember waiting in the family lounge the night of her bilateral mastectomy. I remember seeing Dr. Bretzke come toward us to tell us how surgery had gone, and whether or not they had gotten all the cancer out, and if the nodes were clear.

I remember Dr. Bretzke's words. We got everything. We took two nodes. Both were clear.

She might just as well have handed my newborn daughter to me.

March 12, 1968.

March 12, 2010.

Both days I was handed my beautiful daughter.

"It"

2010-10-05T07:23:00.002-05:00

Sarah was taken unaware. It was like the feelings came in the dark of night when she wasn't looking. Feelings do that sometimes.

She, all of a sudden, realized she is going to have surgery this month. Real surgery. Put under..all the way out....surgery.

It isn't like she didn't know that was going to happen. "It" has been on the calendar for some time now. She knew "it" was going to happen.

"It" is her final reconstruction surgery. "It" is the final step in this cancer journey we have been on, give or take Tamoxifen and blood draws for the next five years. "It," as she writes about it in her CaringBridge site, will make her as good as she is going to get. And, "it" will not be a return to her old body.

She didn't know she would feel like she does. She didn't know she would miss her old breasts. She didn't know she would miss her real breasts. Eight months ago the removal of them also removed the cancer. She didn't give it a second thought. She said, "Take them off!"

She didn't look back. She would not make any other decision if she could do it again. She did it because she has children. She did it because she wanted to live, whatever it took.

She just didn't see her feelings about "it" coming. She was taken unaware. They came while she was busy living her life.

Thank you God!

A Nice Day For A Drive

2010-10-02T21:36:00.009-05:00

Sarah, Davey and Derek wanted me to meet them out at the cemetary in Chaska where my mom and Briana are buried. Davey calls the cemetary the land of blessings.

They called me about 3:15 today.

I was having a quiet day, relaxing in my chair. I wasn't sure I wanted to change the pace of my day, but while Sarah was talking to me on her cell phone, the boys kept saying....

"What's she saying....what's she saying?"

Sarah told them I would be coming. She knew I was going to do it. She said to me, "I knew you would say yes eventually."

I could hear them in the background....

"Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!"

So, off I went.

It was a beautiful day for a drive. I thought it would be nice to see Sarah and the boys. I thought how nice it was to be wanted by these important people in my life.

And, I thought......."I GET to do this. I GET to see my daughter. I GET to see Sarah. Sarah is alive. I GET to do this!

But, the story isn't over yet.

Sarah called me as we were both on our way. She said she couldn't find a way to get there. The roads were flooded and, without going a long way out of her way, it wasn't going to happen easily.
Davey, who is 7, asked her...."Mom, are you lost?"

Sarah said, "No, I am not lost. I know where I am, but I don't know how to get where I am going."

Davey said, "Mom, that is the very definition of lost!"

We both turned around and went back home with smiles on our faces.

It was a nice day for a drive.....and a smile.

18.68 - It Mattered

2010-10-01T12:59:00.009-05:00

(Dante's Prayer) Click to play.

We got good news today! Sarah got the results of her blood draw from last Friday. The important result we needed to get was what is called the "cancer or tumor marker."

This marker will be checked every three months for two years. Anything below 37 is acceptable.

Sarah's marker was 18.68!!

PRAISE THE LORD!

Below is what Sarah wrote on her CaringBridge site today.

___________________________________________________

Friday, October 1, 2010 11:37 AM, CDT

So, I had my blood drawn last Friday so they could check my "cancer marker". Wouldn't get the results til Monday or Tuesday.

My mom asked me about it, but I kept forgetting. I figured they'd mail it.

And if it was high (not what you want), they would just recheck it in a month, so there was no RUSH to get the results.

I kept forgetting.

Finally I called today and left a message for Dr. Zander's nurse to call me with the results.

They .....

Are ......

NORMAL!

Well below the "line of demarkation" (my term). Turns out it did matter to me. When I got the results, I wanted to cry from relief. Huh. My mom just laughed and said, "I love you".

Let's do this.

__________________________________________________________

Judy here again.

You know.....just thinking about the expression, "mind over matter...."

I don't care who you are, when there is something that matters and you are in the "waiting zone," there isn't enough "mind" to talk your body out of its feelings...out of what matters. At least, that is true for me.

When I try and do that my body just talks back to me in the form of upset stomach, neck pain, shoulder pain, eating when I am not hungry, interrupted sleep....something like that.

Nobody says........"Whats the mind?"

They say....."What's the matter?"

It's ok to have things matter and it is ok to say what matters to you. If you can say it you can do something about it even if it means all you can do is wait.

At least, you have made the conscious decision to wait and not talked yourself out of knowing that something matters. I am sooooooooooo not good at talking myself out of my feelings.

Better to accept what you can't change and do something about the things you can change.

It really does mean living consciously. I love that! It might sound funny, but I like being in my life. I love having feelings. I love knowing things matter. If nothing mattered, I wouldn't have to feel. What a loss that would be.

Today wouldn't have been a Praise The Lord day if we hadn't felt the depth of the fear.

I think I could write more, but I have no idea what I would write. I am only experiencing something that, for the moment, is wordless.

I think that means it is pretty deep....primal.....feelings before words were known....like a little baby doesn't have words, but they have feelings, as they experience their world.

Sarah's cancer marker was good. It mattered.

My body knows it mattered and my mind is at a loss.

That's ok.

Sarah's Words From Her CaringBridge Today

2010-09-26T11:15:00.005-05:00

I have cut and pasted Sarah's CaringBridge post from today. It is a beautiful post letting us go with her into her thoughts and feelings.

This picture was taken on April 9, 2010. She was at karoake, which is one of her favorite things to do.

She had had her bilateral mastectomy and had not yet started chemo. This is her real hair.

She is my daughter, my first born child. What a privilege I was given. I get to be her mother.

Sunday, September 26, 2010 10:34 AM, CDT

Breast cancer.

I went to a Comfort Club meeting yesterday. I love Comfort Club. It’s very… calming (and comforting) to me.

There is something about being in a room with other women who know. Who know what it’s like to hear “it’s cancer”. Who know what it’s like to wonder “Am I going to die? What about my family? Will my children remember me?” Who know what it’s like to have to decide: Lumpectomy? Mastectomy? Breast reconstruction? Many of whom have had the experience of losing their hair. And all the feelings that go with that. Who understand what chemo side effects are like. Who know what it’s like to be looked at differently.

I like being in a group of women who just understand. I can listen to their stories and learn from them. Although we share a common diagnosis, “breast cancer”, I have yet to meet another woman who has had the same experience as I have. We share much, and yet our experiences are different.

Breast cancer.

As I was driving home yesterday, I thanked God for my breast cancer. I do not believe that God gave me cancer. I do believe that all things work for good for those that love God, and have been called according to his purpose.

I feel like I am where I need to be in my life now. I feel like I have had (another one) of the big experiences I am supposed to have. I feel like I see a little clearer now, have more understanding and compassion. And I feel like I can help people in a way I couldn’t have before.

I feel like I have a mission. Or at least a direction. I want to help other women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer.

And yet I remind myself that I am still going through it. It’s only been 7 months.

And I am still going through it. In fact, there is much that I haven’t gone through. I’m not done with reconstruction. My hair hasn’t grown back fully. And…. I still have so so many feelings that need to come out. Tears. Anger. Confusion.

Breast cancer.

One of the things we talked about at the meeting yesterday is who were we before breast cancer, and who are we because and beyond breast cancer. I could answer the first two. I know how I was different before, and now, because of. But I’m not beyond breast cancer yet. I’m still in the middle.

It’s helpful for me that there are women in the group who are a few years out. Who were diagnosed years ago. They are still in the group. They still have feelings about their breast cancer. They are survivors. And I “look up” to them. I really like knowing breast cancer survivors. Who have gone through what I’m going through and have gone through what I have yet to experience. It comforts me.

Breast cancer.

Breast cancer.

What could have easily been seen as the worst thing that has ever happened to me is probably going to turn into the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Who knew?

Let’s do this.

Thoughts About Today....First Blood Draw Without The Port

2010-09-16T12:50:00.004-05:00

(Gershwin's Lullaby) Please click to play.

Sometimes, I think only Sarah and I know exactly what it is like.

Sometimes, all we have to do is look at each other
and say a word or two.

Today, when we met at the valet service at Piper,
we kissed and hugged and then she said....

"It's not going to get any easier is it?"

I said, "No."

I wish I could find words to explain it.

It isn't a thought.

It is a feeling.

As we stood waiting for the elevator to go up to oncology,
we talked with a young woman wearing a cozy....the little
knit cap that is worn to keep your head warm.

We learned she had had a recurrence.

She was two years out.

I wanted to ask her questions.

There wasn't time.

I had to work hard to make myself stay in the moment.

I had to fight off the "what if."

Sarah is doing well.

Sarah is cancer free.

Today, Sarah got her first blood draw without her port.

She said it wasn't as bad as she thought it would be
but that wasn't saying a lot.

Sarah brought me a DVD that was made by twelve breast cancer
survivors from Hastings, MN.

She thought maybe I could watch it in her van before we had to go our separate ways.

She had seen it.

It moved her to tears.

I said, "No, I have to drive."

She said, "I know."

She knew it wouldn't be a good idea.

I said, "You are not your mother."

She understood.

She just wanted to watch it with me.

I understood.

We don't need to say many words these days.

Our cars were brought around.

We kissed and hugged for a long time.

She said, "Thank you for coming with me."

I said, "I will always come with you."

And, I will.

I will.

The Story Of The Port...My Story

2010-09-11T11:50:00.015-05:00

(Dante's Prayer) Please click to play.

Judy holding Sarah's port in the palm of her hand

The port was starting to bother her. She started to feel a sharp pricking sensation.

It was implanted months ago. It was one of the first things that was done to get her ready for the numerous blood draws and her four chemo infusions. It meant she didn't have to have her arms and/or hands used for these things. It meant she didn't have to get bruised.

It was a good thing.

It was a relief.

It was a gift

It was a friend.

She thought she would be able to keep it in for years. She wanted to keep it in. It seemed like a no-brainer.

You see, for the next two years, she will be having her blood drawn every three months. For the next three years she will be having her blood drawn every six months. That totals five years of frequent blood draws.

They, (what a word) ... "they" means the oncologist and the oncology nurses will be looking for "readings" that will indicate whether or not there are loose cancer cells in her body.

The blood draws are necessary. They are a part of her treatment now. The blood draws, along with the drug Tamoxifen, which she will take daily for the next five years, are supposed to reduce her chances of recurrence from 19% down to 10% or lower.

She wanted to keep the port in.

We learned the port has served its purpose now. We learned the risks of keeping the port in outweigh the benefits.

He, (the oncologist) didn't give her a real choice. He said it had to come out. He pretended to give her a choice. He said if she wanted to keep the port in, he would skip one of every four blood draws. HA!

Did I mention no-brainers up above?

He got Sarah's attention. No, she would not skip any blood draws to keep the port in. From the beginning, Sarah has done everything she could to deal with this thing called cancer. She would have the port removed and do the blood draws without it.

It had started to bother her. It began to feel like a good thing to have it removed. The date was set.

September 9, 2010 came to be known as "deportation day."

I went with Sarah to the doctor's office.

Up until now, this was an easy post to write. I thought...I am doing really well here.

Now, I am back in the doctor's office because that is really where my story starts.

Sarah and I both went into this day feeling like it was going to be a non-event. We both had to talk ourselves into getting back into the "place" of dealing with all this. We have had some "time off."

We have had a break. To put it my way....we have been able to run and skip and jump and play. "It" wasn't the focus all the time. Give or take the reality of seeing Sarah's hair growing back and the addition of Tamoxifen to her daily routine, life has had a semblance of normalcy to it.

I believed having the port removed would be ok. I believed the procedure would go smoothly. And, it did, for the most part. Sarah required six to eight shots of novacaine to numb the area. Those hurt! Other than that, it was ok.

We left the doctor's office and went to pick up our cars at the valet service. While we waited for the cars to be brought around, she told me the doctor had asked her if she wanted to keep the port.

At first she said no. Then she said yes.

She asked me, "Do you want to see it?"

I said, "Oh, yes!"

It was in a little container.

She took it out.

I said, "Can I hold it?"

She said, "Yes."

She put it in my hand.

It was made of metal. It felt cold in my hand.

I looked at it.

I saw the thin white tube, with little holes in it, that came out from the metal part.

The tube had been in her vein.

And, I closed my hand over it.

It was then that I felt the tears.

It was instant.

They burned in my eyes.

I didn't know what they meant.

I didn't know what to name them.

I said to Sarah, "I just had a feeling."

She said, "I'm not looking at you."

She was having a feeling too.

I was the one who said it out loud.

Neither one of us knew what it was.

She said, "We're going to lunch."

I said, "Oh, yes."

We drove in separate cars.

It was in my car that I realized what the feeling was.

I drove straight into understanding what touched me as I held my daughter's port in the palm of my hand.

It was the first thing I have been able to touch that has helped keep my daughter alive.

I could wrap my hand around it.

Sitting in the restaurant, Sarah talked about her feeling. She hadn't figured it out yet.

I watched her face and listened to her as she tried to sort it out.

I said, "I can tell you what that feeling was for me if that would help."

She said, "Ok."

I told her about it being the first thing I have been able to touch and hold....touch and hold something that kept her alive.

Her eyes flooded.

She said, "Yes."

Sometimes, I can't get close enough to her. I think I could be inside her and it wouldn't be close enough.

She is my daughter. I am her mother. She has been inside me. She is still inside me.

Sarah and me on deportation day

I Wish

2010-09-09T22:23:00.002-05:00

I wish I could say in a short time and a few words all that I feel

But, I can't.

Perhaps, I will write tomorrow.

Perhaps.

Today was "deportation day."

The port is out, but not gone.

I touched it.

And, I felt.

My Dad's 98th Birthday Party

2010-09-05T09:22:00.009-05:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD, GRANDPA AND GREAT GRANDPA

My dad

He was born September 1, 1912. They named him Alfred, but he has always gone by Al.

He doesn't care for the name Alfred. That is ok. Al works just fine.

He is my father. He is the man who taught me what men were like. I learned to trust men. I learned that men were nice to be around. I learned that men were gentle and caring and patient. I learned that being a girl was nice.

He used to go shopping with me while my mother bought nylons at Dayton's.

We would walk through the girl's clothing department and he would look at the mannequins and say to me, "That would look really nice on you Judy." I didn't have to have those things. It was just nice to hear him say it.

One time...I was a senior in high school and had been asked to the prom. I had already been to the prom before, and even though I would have liked a new dress, I didn't need one. But, once again, while my mom was shopping for some things at Daytons, and my dad had gone with her this time, I went looking for prom dresses...just to try them on.

I shopped at a small specialty ladies shop across the street and found the most beautiful dress. I took it to try it on in the most amazingly big and beautiful dressing room.

The dress was so pretty. It had tiers of soft, aqua fabric that moved when I walked. I twirled and twirled in that dressing room and I just had to show it to my dad. I asked the lady if she could hold it for me just until I could bring my dad back to see it. That was all I wanted. I didn't have to have it.

I brought my dad to see the dress. He sat in an unholstered chair just outside the dressing room. I went in and put the dress on.

And, when I came out, I saw my dad's smiling face. We left that store that day with the dress.

Happy birthday Dad! I am a lucky girl to have had you in my life. I am a lucky girl to still have you in my life.

Thank you for being the kind of dad you are and for teaching me so many important things about life.

I love you!

Your daughter,
Judy

Below are some videos from my dad's birthday party. Please come on in, sit a spell, and get to know the man I get to have as my dad.

Welcome to my world!

Nothing Is Something

2010-08-01T12:35:00.004-05:00

Sometimes I take time off. I am doing that this weekend. I did it yesterday and I am still doing it today.

I have done nothing and yet I have done everything.

I have watched movies. Movies fill me up. They often make me laugh and sometimes they make me cry. It is a rare movie that doesn't touch me in some way.

I wonder if it was like that for my mother. I don't think so. She wasn't much of a TV person. She was a theater person. I think what I find in movies might be the same thing she found in theater.

I watched a movie with Patty Duke playing an Amish woman. One of her lines had to do with dealing with something that was hard. It went something like this...."Heaping blame on yourself is the easy way. It takes more strength to go straight toward what is wrong and handle it." I liked that line. I have remembered that line.

I watched a movie called Freedom Writers with Hilary Swank. It was wonderful. Miep Gies, the woman who hid Anne Frank, was in it. She said a wonderful line that I have learned is a Miep Gies quote. "But even an ordinary secretary or a housewife or a teenager can, within their own small ways, turn on a small light in a dark room." I liked that line. I like believing any one of us, in our own small way, can turn on a small light. It matters not how big or small we are. Children do it all the time in their innocence.

And, today I am watching a movie called Our House with Doris Roberts. She plays a lonely, rich widow who makes a suicide attempt. A young homeless woman saves her life. Doris ultimately takes multiple homeless people into her exquisite home and changes their lives while they change hers. It is filled with kindness and humor and mutuality. Who is helping who?

It is my time off. I am watching, smiling, laughing and crying. And, I just might make some jello. I have some Reddi Whip that just might top it off.

Am I doing nothing? Nothing could be further from the truth. I am doing the best something I know for me.

Monday will come soon enough,and my nothing that was something, will stay with me.

Dave's Solo For The TCC Gospel Choir

2010-07-26T22:40:00.003-05:00

Life has been a whirlwind of activity the last few days. I have so much to write about and no time to write. I will have to take some time in the next few days to chip away at the stories to be told and the pictures and videos to be posted.

Last night, although if feels like a week ago, Sarah, Davey, Jackson, Amelia and I went to Dave's gospel choir concert at the Caponi Art Park in Eagan. It is a 60 acre part that apparently has tons of things to see and trails to walk.

Dave had the opportunity to solo last night. He did a great job and I am posting the video below. It was a beautiful night in a beautiful setting.

Roads of Life

2010-07-20T13:27:00.008-05:00

(Dante's Prayer) Please click to play

I have to keep writing about life right now. Life, right now, is like an unknown road. It is unfamiliar, and while I know where it is headed, I can't see very far ahead and I keep being surprised by the ups and downs and twists and turns.

I often think of the roads of life and sometimes I give them names. For example, I might name a road Happy Road or Harmony Boulevard or Alive Avenue or Comfort Lane. It just depends on what road I want to be on.

The road I am on now is Cancer Road. It wasn't my choice. I was traveling along, let's say for the enjoyment of my children, Frontage Road. Oh yes, this is how my children know me. Mom takes the frontage road, and they are right! Given a choice, I am a frontage road girl all the way.

Cancer Road is a long and rough road. It is bumpy, hilly, curvy and you never know what is going to be around the bend. You better have your seatbelt on because you never know what you are going to run into. There are signs along the way. Four Chemos. Three Chemos. Two Chemos. One Chemo. You think you have arrived. You think you are home free. You think you have arrived at Post Cancer City. You stop and rest. You take a break until you have to get back on the road called Chemo Crabby Road. You didn't know that road was coming until you found yourself on it.

Chemo Crabby Road comes in disguise and in the dark of night. It is unexpected and piled with turmoil. You are supposed to be happy. You are supposed to have arrived at a better place. And, on Chemo Crabby Road, you actually feel worse than you did on many of the other roads. You look for signs that tell you where you might make a legal U turn and get off this awful road. But, there is no place to turn around. You have to keep going straight ahead.

It is hard. It is exhausting. There is a road that runs parallel to all of these cancer roads. It is always with you. It is called Fatigue Road.

I watch my daughter travel these roads. I travel them with her. Right now she is traveling the Sad Road. She hurts inside. Her tears are locked away. I feel them and they become mine.

I saw a picture of the Tour de France bicycle tour this morning and thought how those bikers' legs must ache as they pedal their way to their destination.

I wish it was my legs that ached on Cancer Road. It isn't. It is my heart.

The Little Iron Bench

2010-07-16T10:11:00.009-05:00

Sarah and me having lunch after Dr. Zander's appointment

I woke up yesterday morning. It was an ordinary day. The sun was shining, the temperature was cool, the humidity had dropped, the sky was blue, the clouds were white, there was a slight breeze and the birds were singing. The sound of the birds always makes me stop and listen. I wonder what it is they are singing about or are they talking to one another. Sometimes you can hear one call to another, and you wait for the answer, and then.......there it is coming from somewhere off in the distance.

It was an ordinary day, except it was the day I was going to meet Sarah at Dr. Zander's office. Dr. Zander is Sarah's oncologist. Five words. Dr. Zander is Sarah's oncologist. That makes it not an ordinary day.

I took some time before getting ready to read her most recent CaringBridge entry. It was a good entry, a happy entry. It was filled with good things. She and Alyssa, her nanny, had taken the boys to a movie that morning.

When the movie was over, a woman sitting in front of Sarah turned around and spoke to Sarah. She said, "Excuse me, do you have cancer?" Momentarily, Sarah didn't know what to say. She finally said, "Yes, I had cancer." You see, Sarah's cancer has been removed. It was taken out. The cancer was removed when she had her double mastectomy. She sports a bald head now. She wears it everywhere. None of us thinks twice about it. But, it identifies her as having or having had cancer. She is a member of that community now.

The lady and Sarah continued to talk and Sarah shared her CaringBridge site with her. Sarah invited her to go to a cancer support group with her that night. Sarah even picked her up and they talked for a long time after the meeting. The whole story, as Sarah told it, was heartwarming.

It was supposed to make me happy. It was a happy story with a happy ending. I was surprised when I started to cry. There was something about the woman reaching out to Sarah. That was the moment that got to me.

I thought about it. I thought about how cancer patients can recognize another cancer patient out there in the world, and they reach out. There is an automatic bond. All the exterior things that seem to identify us in our normal lives fall away. None of them matter. Cancer touches people no matter what sex, age, color, rich or poor.

I kept thinking about it. And, then I knew. All of a sudden I felt alone, separate, isolated. I thought how wonderful it is to be able to recognize another human being who shares your story. And, what I said to myself was, "A cancer mother can't recognize another cancer mother out in the world, and reach out and say, 'Does your child have cancer?'"

Sarah's happy story touched something that made me cry. I talked with her about it. I didn't know if I should. That feeling was about me. She hasn't had room, until very recently, to know how this has affected those on the outside of her. I told her I read her entry. I told her it was a happy entry. I told her I was glad she had had such a nice experience. And, I told her it made me cry. She said, "Why?"

I told her what it made me feel. We talked. She understood. She cared. We went to lunch. We talked some more. We went to Target to fill her prescriptions from Dr. Zander.

We sat on a little iron bench while the prescriptions were being filled. I thought it was a comfortable little iron bench. She said, "It is iron!" I laughed.

We talked some more. She looked at me and said, "Did you think I might die?" She had asked Dave that question a while back. She said, "I haven't asked you that question." I said, "Yes, I did." She said, "I haven't been able to find my tears, but that makes me want to cry."

The prescriptions were filled. Sarah went to get them and we left the little iron bench, the bench where Sarah and I talked.

It Isn't Over

2010-07-13T11:46:00.006-05:00

How did this happen? I have not written a post since July 4th, when my world was filled with the ending of Sarah's chemo treatments and sharing fireworks with friends.

It will be four weeks on Thursday, July 15th, since Sarah had her last chemo. That time has been a mixture of feelings for me. I know that feelings never come one at a time. I know they come in multiples. Sometimes, they come so fast a person doesn't know what they are feeling or which feeling to give voice to first. They just live in you like they have taken up permanent residence. Sometimes they feel like univited guests. And, they won't leave until you do something with them.

I don't know for sure why I haven't written. Maybe I wanted everything to be over. Maybe I wanted to believe the hard part was over. Maybe I had so many feelings I didn't know where to start. Maybe I had feelings that were unexpected and I was silenced by their showing up. Maybe I knew there was unexpressed grief. Maybe things had been so busy that I hadn't had time to feel, and now there was, and I didn't want to feel.....so I didn't.

What made me write today? It has to do with what happened yesterday. I met Sarah at Dr. Miglioris's office. She hadn't seen him for six weeks. She was due for an injection for her reconstructive surgery. But, meeting with Dr. Migliori is so much more than that.

I have to change directions for a few minutes. This is where some feelings are.

I sat in the examining room with Sarah. I hadn't seen her much over the four weeks and I asked her how she was....not like how are you....but how ARE you. She said, "Crabby, really crabby...all the time." I saw it in her eyes. It was like multiple feelings had taken up residence in her body too, and were showing in her eyes. It is true that eyes are the windows to your soul.

When Dr. Migliori came in and she talked to him about how she was feeling, her tears started. He knew. He could finish her sentences. He understood. He said she was right where she was supposed to be in her recovery. He validated her reality...that when she is able to do something and seems to have some energy....at the end of the day it is like she falls off a cliff. He said there is no warning and no reserve. He told her it would take a long time. He told her it would take up to two years before she would feel like her old self. He told her it would be gradual and one day she would all of a sudden realize she felt better.

I sat in my chair and watched and listened.....and felt. I think in the last four weeks I let my defenses down. Things slowed down, chemo was over, I started to relax, cautiously, but I started to relax.

I think I took some time off. I think I knew there were feelings that I had to have. I think I didn't want to have them. I think I knew I had to have them. I think I knew I would have them.

I sat in my chair and watched and listened. There was a heaviness in my chest that threatened to show up as tears. I didn't cry. It wasn't the time or the place. I watched my daughter and took notes. And, today I had to write and cry.

We aren't done with this. We only finished some of what we have to do. It isn't over. It is just different.........for now.

Someday, we will all return to a life that will be closer to what we remember. Dr. Migliori said as much. I am going to hold him to his word.

Music In Plymouth 2010 ... Part 2...

2010-07-04T15:26:00.004-05:00

I am so excited!! I finally...finally...got my last two videos from Music in Plymouth to post.

I have been working on accomplishing this for three days now.

The first video is of the Minnesota Orchestra playing and the second video is the fireworks finale.

I hope you enjoy them! Happy 4th of July!!!

Music In Plymouth 2010

2010-07-01T20:12:00.021-05:00

Welcome to Music in Plymouth

The amphitheater reflected in the pond....the Minnesota Orchestra is on the stage

This is a picture of part of the amphitheater, the pond, the reeds, the American flag and the sun is just starting to set....it is a beautiful place

The amphitheater reflected in the pond...in the foreground you see Tom on the left and our friend Steve on the right......

My friend Kathy and me

On Wednesday night, June 30, Tom and I went to Music in Plymouth with our good friends, Steve and Kathy.

Music in Plymouth is our annual 4th of July community celebration. It is an event that we have gone to for quite a few years and it simply goes on our calendar as soon as we know when it is scheduled. I think they have to schedule it around the Minnesota Orchestra's schedule, so the dates are never the same.

We invite family and friends to join us, and while only Steve and Kathy could come this year......the four of us were a small but mighty group. Kara and her family are busy getting ready for a graduation open house for Christopher who leaves for the Cleveland Institute of Art this fall, and it would have been way too much for Sarah and family, given that chemo fatigue is playing a big part in Sarah's life right now. And, Adam and family live in SC which just makes it not work for them. Next year.....maybe next year...maybe all of us can be together on that special night.

Music in Plymouth draws so many people. Average attendance is around 15,000 people. Everyone brings tarps, blankets, chairs, loungers, food, drinks (non-alcoholic), and we sit on a hillside and enjoy the setting and the entertainment. They have a number of musical groups that perform and the evening is capped off with a performance by the Minnesota orchestra and an outstanding fireworks display.

I have put some videos on so others can experience a taste of what I am talking about. The videos will be in no particular order because I am not keeping track of what I am doing : ). Sometimes blogger just doesn't cooperate when uploading videos, so I have to do it at odd times and I lose the sequence. I figured "human" is "in" this year and I do "human" really well!

The evening started at 5:00 p.m. and we didn't get home until 11:30 p.m. Enjoy the videos and make sure you have your sound on....there are several fireworks with music videos, a female vocalist that is really nice, some african music, (I am trying to get the minnesota orchestra video uploaded) and I think that is it.....X your fingers I get them all on...I am continuing to try and upload all of them...as I said up above...sometimes blogger foils my best laid plans.

Welcome to my world!

Question Of The Day

2010-06-29T14:16:00.003-05:00

Is house cleaning the same as cleaning house?

I raise the question because I am doing one of those or both of those. I think my question has to do with, not only the physical act of cleaning my house, but also with the need to do some emotional house cleaning.

I think....I know....I have been deeply involved in "cancer" since sometime last year. First it was my 36 year old niece, Briana, who died of uterine cancer this last February. She lived less than a year from the time she was diagnosed. I spent hours and days at the University of Minnesota Hospital in support of my sister, Bri's mom. I was at Briana's bedside, along with friends and family, when she went to heaven.

The first day I went to her home to help organize and pack up her things was the day Sarah called me to tell me she needed to go in for a second mammogram and ultra sound. And, five days later she got her diagnosis of breast cancer.

Since that phone call, life has had an intense focus of doing everything we could to get rid of the cancer and then do everything we could to reduce Sarah's chance of having a recurrence.

It has been twelve days now since Sarah's last chemo infusion and she is back at home with Dave and the boys. I started getting the feeling that I had to clean. I had to clean. I have to clean. I can't wait for the lady who comes to do the cleaning. She can come too but I have to start. I can't wait. I have taken down curtains and am getting them washed. I am dusting. I am vaccuming. I am reorganizing some things. I can't do it fast enough.

I know I am doing inside emotional house cleaning. It just looks like I am cleaning my house.

With every whiff of laundry detergent and fabric softener I breathe more deeply.

The windows are open. It is a beautiful day. The sun is shining. The temperature is perfect. I go out onto the deck every now and then and feel the sun on my face. I learned from the oncologist that Vitamin D is important. A little sunshine is good.

I know the answer to my question. It was never really a question. It is going to take time. It will. I guess I am going to clean my way to the future.

That made me laugh.

May Not Be Everybody's Great Day...But It Is Mine

2010-06-26T13:49:00.005-05:00

(The Moment) Please click to play

Sometimes I think I am too easy to please. It doesn't take much to make me happy or have a good day. I wrote earlier today about Davey calling me and wanting to watch Toy Story 1 with me over the phone. See what I mean? That just made me really happy.

It is now 1:49 p.m. and I have talked to my son, Adam, who lives in South Carolina and is very instrumental in getting disc golf courses set up in his county. He was on his way to a new disc golf course that is being set up and he just called to talk. I love that. Over the road and on the phone talking to his mom.

Then, Sarah called. She is at a special spa pampering day set up by her oncology office. She had just had some wonderful healing touch/energy work done and it turned out to be a wonderful beginning healing experience that she will continue. She had so much to say, much of it through some tears.....good tears.

And, while it may not sound like fun, it is for me. When I am home alone I love to get things done. I have done laundry, thrown stuff out from the fridge, cleaned out the bread drawer, done bookwork for the office, paid bills, and now I am sitting down having a glass of pink lemonade.

Does the fun ever stop : )

I think I am beginning to relax now. I mean relax in the sense of beginning to believe that maybe...maybe....some of the hard stuff with Sarah is over. I know we have much more to do, and while I don't know what that will be in total, it feels like the future will be filled with good things.

It is fifteen minutes later. I had to go take some clothes out of the dryer. Freshly done laundry always smells so good. I can taste my lemonade. When I look out my windows the world is still. It is quiet except for the occasional sounds of a neighbor doing some yard work. The windows on the main floor are plastered with leaves from last night's thunderstorm and the decks are strewn with leaves and small branches.

In a little bit I am going to go cut up some chicken and make something for supper. It is a good day. It is a simple day. It is a "choose to" day. I can choose to do whatever I want to do today and everything I have chosen to do has made me smile.

It is a good day!

A Slice Of Normal

2010-06-26T08:20:00.002-05:00

It is Saturday morning. At 8:05 a.m. my phone rang. It was Davey, age 6.

Before Sarah got cancer, it was normal for Davey to call me and just talk or watch his tv shows or watch a movie while I sat on the phone at my house. He likes to have me with him. He has done that ever since he was really little. Every now and then he will say, "Gramma?" I will say, "I am here honey." He will say, "Ok, just checking."

It is 8:22 a.m. and Davey and I are "watching" Toy Story 1. I am smiling. It is 8:25 a.m. and Davey just said, "Bye, Gramma." There is never any warning. He comes. He goes.

Joe, from Ireland, was on skype and was "watching" too. When Davey said bye, Joe said, "That was quick. I was just starting to get the hang of Toy Story 1."

There will be another time Joe. Normal is returning. And, I am smiling. Life is good.

A Fun Night Was Had By All

2010-06-24T14:10:00.003-05:00

Last night when we met up with everyone at Noodles and Company I had to see if Jackson would say hi to Joe from Ireland, since Joe is Jackson's Godfather, and we always wish Joe was able to be with us. Jackson didn't really say hi, but I think he was a little confused because he often sees Joe on webcam. At least Jackson pointed at the camera after thinking it over. And, there is such a sweet ending on the video.

Good Things From Today

2010-06-23T23:22:00.003-05:00

Here is my list.....at least the things I can think of.....this will be sort of like a gratitude list...the things that made today a nice day....

Sarah felt good enough to be able to go home to be with her family....they were all happy to have her at home tonight. This does not mean I don't miss her...because I do...big time.

All of us....Sarah, Dave, Davey, Derek, Jackson, Tom, Judy, and Alyssa, who is taking care of the kids and helping out at Sarah's and Dave's this summer, all went to dinner at Noodles and Company. While at Noodles I sat by Jackson, age 2, and got lots and lots of fish kisses : )

(Anyone who doesn't know what a fish kiss is?)

Davey, age 6, asked when he was going to get to see me again. It is nice to be on the most wanted list.

Derek, age 5, ran to see me and gave me a nice hug.

I got to watch America's Got Talent again tonight and saw a heartwarming audition. Two sisters, one 13 and one 20, both with Cystic Fibrosis, sang a song that touched the hearts of everyone....the judges and the audience including me. They had been told they would never be able to sing. It was a few minutes of genuine appreciation for life and courage and determination.

I had my favorite ice cream in the house...Pistachio Almond...and sugar cones....you know the dark pointy ones?

The sun came out this afternoon after some rain...the clouds were white and the sky was blue.

I laughed with Sarah today while she was still at my house.

The traffic was good on the way to and from Noodles.

The coffee is made for tomorrow...it comes on automatically so it is ready when I get up.

The sink is clear and the dishwasher is running.

When I was in facebook late tonight my grandson, Joseph, age 12, instant messaged me and we had a nice talk...that was really special.

And, now, I get to go to bed and think about the good things that happened today.

Yep, good things happened today.

We Had A Good Day

2010-06-22T21:12:00.008-05:00

Oh, we had a good day today! I was supposed to get my hair cut but there was a mixup at the salon. That worked out ok because Sarah really didn't want me to be gone anyway. I got back home only to find Sarah about to heat up some of the tater tot hotdish and she was both starving and glad to see me.

She had had a rough night last night. She didn't sleep much in spite of taking some pretty powerful drugs. She needed sleep, but she also needed some fun. It has been a little on the dark side here the last couple of days, so I said, "Wanna go out for lunch?" That was met with a resounding "Yesssssssss!!"

We wanted to go someplace we hadn't been before. After lots of thought, I remembered a place I have been wanting to go. It is called Cowboy Jack's Saloon. It is close to home and the whole place from the outside looks like it would be fun....not your typical chain restaurant.

We headed off, once Sarah got her makeup on. When you have no hair, makeup is key! But, the new and good news is that Sarah's hair is starting to grow back.

We had some fun with that. After lunch at the saloon we came home and played a bit.

When Sarah shaved her head, because she was going to lose it anyway, I decided to grow my hair in support of her. I thought the little boys would need gramma to look regular and not have a shaved head.

Sarah's hair really is starting to grow back. There are some little spriggles of hair on her head now. They are very light in color and some are maybe a quarter inch long. She made a joke about needing to part her hair now. We laughed at that and also decided that maybe she should use one of my hair combs to hold her hair in place. A girl can have fun with lots of things!

Below are some pictures from our day and a little video that was just so fun to make. It was a good day and we are on the road up. Give or take some fatigue, and a few muscle aches and pains, the side effects are easing off a little now.

If fun and humor and laughter have the ability to heal, then we quite possibly overdosed on all the good things.

Cowboy Jack's Saloon..........welcome pardner (says Judy)

The rifle door handles as you enter Cowboy Jack's Saloon

One of my lovely hair combs holding Sarah's hair back

I love these combs....I have four of them

I think they are so romantic and now

that I am growing my hair I can wear them

Below is the video I took of Sarah and me having an exchange about her fixing her bed. I was apparently in the way when she was starting to fix it and it went from there.

We laughed till we hurt. I had to shut the video off because I hurt so much from laughing.

I hope you enjoy it too and maybe the laughter will be contagious. I hope so!

Life Around Here...The Promise Of Tomorrow

2010-06-21T10:40:00.011-05:00

(Dante's Prayer) Please click to play

The world outside my window is overcast and quiet today. Rain is hanging in the air. I don't know if it has started to fall or not yet. I know it will. Tom started to mow the grass, but I didn't hear the mower for very long. The house is quiet. Sarah is napping. The lingering smell of the tater tot hotdish I heated up for her for breakfast is making me smile. It is what she wanted. All in all, it is a fine day.

Sometimes, life around here is just really nice and peaceful, safe and serene, tranquil and gentle. Being in the moments in my life are good even when it means there is something hard going on.

Sarah loves to hear the birds. They make her happy. The doe has not come to rest yet while Sarah is here. I hope she will. Life around here is ok. It is better than ok.

I think I feel some hope today. I had a flash this morning as I sat and talked to Sarah. She was in her bed and I was sitting in the glider rocker. She was still hurting from the muscle aches, but she said, for the first time during this round of side effects, "I know this is going to end." She couldn't say that yesterday. I knew then that everything was going to be ok. It is.

My deep breath just came out. Just now. Such simple words. Life today is ok and there will be better tomorrows.....tomorrows without side effects from chemo. Today, I feel the promise of tomorrow.

The pretty doe lying in her favorite resting spot

Our home in May before we got our flowers for the deck....it was a beautiful day

What Sarah sees when she looks out the window of her room at my house
My daughter, Kara, made me my grandma pillow years ago

Sarah's view but this time you can see her wig sitting on the wig head
The wig and wig head are part of our world for now

The tater tot hotdish I made for Sarah yesterday.....she loves it so much she just wanted to hug it....it is "mom comfort food"...nothing wrong with that!

It is a good day and there is the promise of tomorrow....I can feel it!

What I Wrote On Sarah's CaringBridge Site Today

2010-06-20T13:55:00.003-05:00

(Dante's Prayer) Please click to play

Hi everyone...this is Judy, Sarah's mom..and I am writing a long post today.

Last Thursday, just a few days ago, was Sarah's 4th and last chemo treatment. We have come to call chemo day....infusion day.

Infusion day is the day you go to the chemo room and sit in a recliner, have a lovely heated blanket if you wish, visit with family and friends, bring sandwiches and drinks and snacks, meet some great people, get hooked up to your IV which will drip saline, anti-nausea meds, your chemo combination, done individually, so you know what you react to if you react at all and then your final drip of saline again.

From the time you arrive until the time you leave you can count on around six hours.

Sounds like a piece of cake doesn't it? The truth is, getting chemo is not the hard part. The hard part comes after you leave. You are never sure when the side effects are going to hit. Sometimes they hit while you are in the chemo chair. Sometimes they hit before you get to the elevator. Sometimes they hit the next day or in two days. But, rest assured, they will hit.

This last chemo was supposed to be a "woohoo" experience. It is what was expected. There was supposed to be a "high." When someone graduates from chemo, there is applause in the chemo pod. Yes, there is an end....an end to having to schedule the next chemo, an end to having to show up for another chemo and a projected end to the side effects from chemo…(not there yet!)

But….but…but…there is a truth you can’t know until you are on this journey. And, all we can do is tell you our story….try to tell you what it is really like, at least for us…for Sarah.

Finishing chemo, being done with infusion day, is not a “woohoo” experience. It just isn't. When you are done with the side effects, THEN, you are done with chemo. When you don't have to go back to chemo, and feel halfways decent, THEN, you are done with chemo.

Today is Sunday, chemo was Thursday, and Sarah has had two of the roughest days since chemo started. The physical side effects are similar to the other chemo’s. She has had nausea, loss of appetite, when she does eat her stomach hurts and she is so, so tired.

What is worse this time has to do with the emotional side effects. I don’t know if it has to do with the end of chemo and a letting down after holding herself together for so long, or the cumulative physical side effects, or the fact that her body is being thrown into menopause, or the fact that she watches her body and face look different, or the fact that being bald (while ok and fun for a while) has lost its appeal, or that she has missed and is missing time with her boys makes her sad, or that this thing called cancer has happened at all makes her sad…..I don’t know. I think all the above and more is probably the truth.

Sarah is sad and Sarah is mad. And, as soon as Sarah says any of it, she quickly says, “I know, I know, I am so lucky!” And, then she says, “But, I don’t want to be lucky. I don’t want to have to feel lucky!” She goes on to say, “I want to be normal. I want hair. I want to go back to my life.” “I want to spend time with my boys.”

As I write this entry Sarah is sleeping. She has slept a lot today. Most of this entry comes from our talking late last night. She is letting down. She is letting it out.

You know, Sarah is always Sarah. She wants others to know what this is like. What it is really like…..from the inside out. She just doesn’t have the energy to do the writing herself right now. It is too much for her. I will be her voice as best I can…..as long as she needs me to be.

My favorite thing she said last night, in the midst of the anguish was……..

“I don’t want to be Chemo Sarah anymore. I want to be Chemo Sabi!”

How I loved that! How I love you Sarah! Mom xo

Pictures From Sarah's Last Chemo

2010-06-18T15:00:00.014-05:00

It was a big day. It was an important day. June 17, 2010 was Sarah's last chemo day.

Sarah's battle cry on her CaringBridge site, from the beginning, has been...

"Let's do this!"

Below are some pictures from that day. The team, that day, was Sarah, Dave, Davey and me.

She did it. We did it.

Sarah, Davey and me .... you can see the drip in the background

Sarah and Davey watching a dvd of home videos together

Davey was so glad to be there...he was so good and he has wanted to come to chemo from the beginning .. it wasn't scary for him at all

Sarah and Davey just hanging out

Our friend, Joe, from Ireland, was at Sarah's first chemo .. we did webcam with him so he could be at her last chemo too .. amazing technology brought us together even though we were half a world apart .. Dave is having the honor of giving Joe a ringside seat

Changing of the guard : ) Judy gets a turn at making sure Joe sees all that is going on

A beautiful picture of Sarah, Dave and Davey

We did it .. the drip is done .. the last chemo is over

Bye chemo room .. thank you for the part you played in our journey

Sarah's Last Chemo

2010-06-17T21:40:00.004-05:00

Three little words.

Sarah's last chemo.

I sit here and pause. I wonder how on earth do I describe what those three little words mean. How do I describe what the anticipation was like...what the being there was like....what the leaving the chemo room was like...what the drive home was like..what the night at home has been like.

We stopped on the way home and picked up some of Sarah's favorite pizza. She was hungry. She hadn't eaten much all day. She wasn't really hungry. The traffic on the way home was terrible...bumper to bumper. Tom called me on my cell phone and said bad weather was approaching. We stopped and got pizza anyway. The storm bypassed us AND we got our pizza.

Dave and Davey came to Sarah's last chemo. Davey, who is almost 7, wanted to be there. Sarah had told him she would take pictures for him. He said, "But, mom, I want to feel the room." Davey was there. I brought Pop Rocks for him. Remember those? His package of Pop Rocks was watermelon flavor. I told him that qualified them as fruit. I said it out loud. The rest of the people in our chemo pod laughed out loud. It was funny! "Gramma rules." So, I got the other packages of Pop Rocks out and gave some to the other chemo patients. Everyone had fun. We all had fun.

It was Sarah's last chemo.

But, it doesn't mean Sarah is done. Not by a long shot. It only means Sarah is done with chemo.

Sarah will meet with Dr. Zander, her oncologist, in four weeks. He will then start her on Tamoxifen. She will take that daily for five years. The good news is that it will help keep her cancer from recurring. It will have side effects however. We will find out more about that as she starts taking it. With the chemotherapy and the Tamoxifen, her recurrence rate will go from 19% down to 10% or so.

Are we home free? It doesn't feel like it. Has Sarah had her last chemo. The answer to that is a definite yes.

We will meet with Dr. Zander every three months for two years and then every six months for another few years. He will keep a close eye on her. With every month and year that pass her chance of recurrence goes down.

Will I hold my breath for several years? I will get back to you on that.

Sarah's last chemo marked the end of something. It was strange leaving the chemo room. The other patients and staff clapped. That is what happens when someone is a chemo graduate. It has significance. I said good bye to the room. Perhaps I should have said thank you. Yes, I should have.

I wish I knew why, when I write certain things, I want to cry. It is in the stillness of the moment that the feelings come. The feelings don't always have names and that makes the tears nameless. They are real just the same.

This is going to take a while. What I want to write and what I have to write are different. Sarah is feeling the same way. We talk. We both know. What should be the obvious experience is not the reality.

A lot happened today. Much of it is still living in my body and I still have to find words for it.

Sarah had her last chemo today. For that I am grateful. I don't want her to have the side effects anymore. She won't. Not from the chemo anyway.

Our new road has yet to be mapped out for us. We have lots to look forward to. Good things. Her hair will be starting to grow back almost immediately. Although, she loves being bald. She will have maybe 80% of her strength back in about four months. She will be, maybe, back to her old self in about a year. Physically. The emotional journey will be a little harder to measure.

Sarah's last chemo marks the end of this part of our journey and launches us into the next part of our journey. The story doesn't end here.

We are just starting a new chapter.

Ramblings Of A Mom Whose Beautiful Daughter Took Her On A Journey That Will Never End.

2010-06-15T12:35:00.004-05:00

We are counting down now. We have just two days to go before Sarah's last chemo treatment. The days of this week now go like this...

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Chemo Day, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Sarah did an entry on her Caringbridge site last night. She is wondering about things. She is wondering about life after chemo. She is wondering if she will keep up her Caringbridge site. She is wondering if she will write every day. She is wondering what she will have to say.

As I thought about her wonderings, I thought about how chemo has been the main focus of the last several months. From the time Sarah was diagnosed with breast cancer, we knew she would undergo chemo to lessen her chances of recurrence and leave no stone unturned on this journey toward a cancer free future. Sarah has three little boys and it has all been for and about them.

So, what will post-chemo bring?

Post-chemo will bring new changes. We will have doctor appointments throughout the year. We will meet with the surgeon, the plastic surgeon and the oncologist. Sarah's reconstruction will continue for several months and will result in a day surgery to complete the process. Her hair will start growing back. The first hair will be baby hair and will fall out. Then her real hair will start growing in. It might be a different color. It might be curly. It might be straight. We don't know. She will be on a drug called Tamoxifen that she will take daily for five years. She will probably go into menopause because that is what chemo does.

Post-chemo will bring a life of its own. Once the side effects from the last chemo wear off it feels like we are going to be home free. My mind gets that. My body has been braced for so long that I think it will take a little while for my body to catch up with my mind.

As I sit here and write I catch myself taking deep breaths every now and then. I know I hold my breath. Eventually, I have to breathe. There the secret is out. Even Judy has to breathe now and then. I like to write. I figure out what I am feeling as I write. What I know for now is that I am counting days, holding my breath, waiting for Thursday to come and be over, hoping the side effects are as minor as they were after chemo number 3, looking forward to my mind and body being connected, and somehow knowing that as Sarah moves forward her story will go on. I know it will be a story of hope. It will be a story of survival.

For me, my story is one of gratitude. I don't let myself feel that very much. When I say the word gratitude, it makes me realize how lucky we are, and what could have happened. I don't think I have let myself feel that part yet. There has been too much to do.

There has been a loss in all of this. It has been a "felt" loss more than a real loss. Perhaps some of you understand what I am saying. There is grief where there is loss of any kind. I will write about grief someday. I think it is important. In order to move on, we need to feel the grief of even our "felt" losses.

Maybe I will name this post, "Ramblings Of A Mom Whose Beautiful Daughter Took Her On A Journey That Will Never End."

I just did.

Some People Say

2010-06-11T21:42:00.005-05:00

Courage.

What is courage?

Some people say I have it.

Having courage, I think, is being able to act in spite of your fears.

Strength.

What is strength?

Some people say I have it.

Strength, I guess, is being able to get up each morning
and do what you have to do.

Whether you are well, or rested, or not well, or not rested.

When someone you love, has or had cancer,
and goes through chemo....

You don't get a choice.

You don't think of what you do as having
courage or strength.

You just live your life the best way you can.

And, sometimes, that means you do regular
things, like laundry or grocery shopping or going
to work like any other day.

Sometimes, it means you laugh.

Sometimes, it means you cry.

Sometimes, it means you learn all you can
about cancer and chemo.

Everything you didn't want to know.

And, then, you try and fit what you learn into your life.

It fills your every waking moment and sometimes
your dreams.

It becomes your life and it becomes what you do.

Am I afraid?

Sometimes.

Do I get tired?

Sometimes.

But, I do get a choice.

My choice is to get up every day and do what
needs to be done.

If that means I have courage and strength...

Then, yes, I do.

I guess.

Simple Things

2010-06-05T13:25:00.008-05:00

When I was a student at the University of Minnesota I took an art education course as part of my elementary education curriculum. For those of you who don't know, I used to teach.

The instructor for that art education course was from India. He would speak softly and, when he spoke, he spoke of simplicity. I was hypnotized by his voice, his gentleness and his use of the word......simplicity. Over and over he would emphasize simplicity. I never forgot it. I can feel myself in that classroom listening to him even as I sit here forty six years later.

I have always known, somewhere inside me, that life is about the simple things. Simple things make me smile and bring me peace.

You know, I just figured something out that I have been wanting to say and didn't know exactly what it was.

Senses.....it is all about senses...that is what it is.....senses....

It is about what we see and hear and smell and taste and touch....the simple things that are always available to us. For example....

When I was shopping with my daughter, Kara, yesterday, we were in a store and all of a sudden we smelled the most wonderful fragrance. We looked for it and learned that lovely smell was coming from one of those diffusion things....the bottle of stuff that you put the reeds into? I had to find out if I could buy some and I could and I did. I am going to put it where I spend so much of my time. It will greet me every time I come to my basement to watch tv or be on my laptop.

And....

Earlier this morning my 97 year old dad called me just to talk. He said he hadn't talked to me for a while because he was at my older sister's house. Hearing his voice made me smile. He said "I love you Judy." It always sounds the same way.

And....

A little bit ago I ate my lunch. It was just a simple sandwich and a few chips and some pink lemonade. The sandwich was soft, the chips were crisp and the lemonade was tart. I tasted them all.

And....

When Sarah shaved her head because of the chemo I chose to not shave my head because I thought the boys would need someone to look regular. So, I chose to let my hair grow. Slowly, I am getting more and more hair after years of wearing it short. I touch it and wonder what it will be like to have someone brush my hair when it is long. I used to brush my mom's hair and that makes me smile just remembering it.

And....

The world, for me, is like a giant stage. There is always something to see....to look at...to capture your imagination, take you into your dreams or simply make you smile.

The other day, I got to see Jackson discover the little bench by the front door and find the doorbell. Ding dong...ding dong...ding dong...over and over. It was a sound I have heard each of the grandchildren make. Ding dong...ding dong....ding dong. It doesn't always bring a smile but there is something about watching a child discover the doorbell.

Below are some pictures of Jackson as he turns two and a lovely young deer that spent hours in our back yard yesterday.

Jackson enjoying the bench

Jackson doesn't stay long in any one place

Jackson ringing the doorbell

Somebody is pretty proud of himself

The deer looking right at me

The deer nibbling on the leaves

How pretty she looks with the sunlight shining on her

Yep, it is all about the senses and the simple things!

Special Stuff....So Many Blessings

2010-05-28T14:17:00.010-05:00

It is quiet right now. I am quiet right now. It is Friday afternoon. The sun is shining. I am looking out the window and seeing the beautiful green of spring and reflecting on the events of this week.

At the beginning of the week I was holding myself together as I anticipated Sarah's third chemo treatment. Her second chemo treatment was so awful and the side effects were so many and pretty much constant that the thought of heading into another treatment was pure dread. There was no choice but to go toward it one step at a time and just get through it and hope for the best.

That part of my week was hard. I know all about having a good attitude and not getting ahead of yourself. Don't project. Think positive thoughts. Take things one day at a time. Oh, I know all about those things.

And, you know what? Sometimes, you just can't talk yourself out of your feelings. Sarah and I both felt dread from the inside out.

So, one might wonder why the title of this post is "Special Stuff....So Many Blessings."

Well, you see, good things happen too! And, good things happened this week. So, as I sit here being quiet on a beautiful sunny and green spring day, it is the good things I want to write about.

First of all, last weekend, our dear friends, Steve and Kathy, called and asked if they could stop by. Steve and Kathy are the kind of friends that even if you haven't seen them or talked to them for months, you just pick up where you left off. Now, if you are me, that is with kisses and hugs and I love you's.....thennnnnnnnnn you talk about other things.

Steve and Kathy brought us a beautiful gift. They know what we are going through. They know Sarah. They know Dave and the kids. They know how to love and they give from their hearts. They are two of the kindest people I have ever been lucky enough to meet. We have been friends for over twenty years.

Below is the lovely lovely gift they gave Tom and me. I hope you can read what it says because it is perfect for what is happening in our lives right now. If you click on the picture it will enlarge.

Kathy and Steve holding their gift to us

The gift close up

And, that wasn't all the special stuff to happen either. Remember, I said Sarah and I were dreading her third chemo treatment because the second chemo was so awful?

Well, chemo number three turned out to be great!! It was just great! Sarah, Kara (Sarah's sister), and I think it is because we had them slow down the chemo drip. Sarah didn't experience any side effects during the treatment and we talked and laughed with other patients for the several hours we were there.

As you can see in the next picture, Sarah and one of the other chemo patients, Lynn, were really having fun. Oh, yes.........a lot of fun. I am not sure there have ever been any other patients who have done a pole dance during chemo!

Sarah and Lynn doing a pole dance with Sarah's IV pole

The next picture is of Kara, Sarah and me during chemo. Sarah was relaxed, a little tired, but so happy. The dread was washed away as we realized this treatment was going to be better.

But, the special thing about this picture is that all three of us are wearing necklaces that a friend of mine made and sent to me all the way from Texas. Her name is Sylvia. And, she is a special person.

I have never met Sylvia. We met online and yet we feel like family. She has followed Sarah's story and asked if she could send her something. Little did I know Kara and I would receive such a beautiful gift too.

Sylvia made each of us a special necklace with the cancer ribbon on it. Sarah's necklace says Sarah on it. Mine says Daughter on it. And, Kara's says Sister on it. I was so touched by this gift and felt so blessed.

We all wore our necklaces to the chemo treatment. Here you go Sylvia! A picture of us wearing your necklaces.

Kara, Sarah and me wearing our necklaces

And, the week and the blessings still weren't over. On this quiet and beautiful Friday morning as I sat and drank my coffee, the phone rang. It was Davey. Here is how our conversation went..
.

Hello....

Hi Gramma...

Well, hi punkin...how are you?

Good....Gramma, I want you to come to school for lunch today...

Well.....that might work...I haven't talked to mommy yet to see how she is feeling...

Ohhhhhhh, right...someone has to take care of mommy today...I forgot about that...

But, maybe it could work punkin....

Well...do you like cinnamon rolls gramma?

I love cinnamon rolls...

Then, today is your lucky day! We are having homemade whole wheat cinnamon rolls for lunch today!

Well, punkin, do I have to tell you right now if I can come or not? I have to wait and talk to mommy first....

Well...........

How about I talk to mommy and see how she is feeling and then I can call the school and tell them if I can come to lunch or can't come to lunch and they can get the message to you?

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that is a great idea!

And, off Davey went to school. As it turned out, mommy was feeling great when she woke up today........we suspect it was a steroid high.........but it lasted long enough that both she and I were able to go to Davey's school for lunch today and it really was my lucky day (the cinnamon roll was fabulous)... thanks punkin...you made mommy's and my day very special!

Davey (punkin to me) wearing one of mommy's head wraps which he loves to do

I am blessed....I am so blessed....family and friends surround me....I sit here in the quiet and the stillness and my insides are calm....yep....special stuff...pretty special stuff....

What I Wrote In Sarah's Caringbridge Site Today

2010-05-27T08:17:00.002-05:00

Thursday, May 27, 2010 7:22 AM, CDT

Hi everyone...this is Judy, Sarah's mom...

Sarah is sound asleep and I will be waking her soon. Today is chemo day. Today is chemo day # 3. We are ready for it!

She had a great visit with Dr. Migliori yesterday afternoon. He gave her a double injection and a lot of his time. She just loves him. He always makes her feel good and yesterday she really needed that.

Sarah mentioned in her post yesterday that she had a blood draw in the morning. It was a hard experience due to some apparent miscommunications within the hospital and where the blood draw was to take place. When Sarah did get to the right place the nurse who did the draw missed the port and Sarah ended up in tears. The nurse felt horrible because she had to poke Sarah twice. She said that rarely happens and she felt so horrible that if Sarah wanted to hit her, that would be ok.

Sarah didn't hit her. Funny thing...the experience was a little traumatic and when Sarah talked to Dr. Migliori about it, he said that shouldn't have happened. We are all human beings and things like that do happen, but it shouldn't have and he is going to follow up on it.His understanding of what anyone going through this is like is wonderful.

I have to stop for now. It is time to get ready. And, something really nice just happened. My sister, Linda, called. Bri's mom. Bri died of cancer in February. She just wanted to say she was in prayer for Sarah and me today. Some things just make you cry. That is all it took.

We are going to do this today. Resolve is unmistakeable. It takes such consciousness to walk this path. There is a goal out there. We are keeping our eyes on it and walking this path. We will reach the goal. We will look back and say...we did this!

For today...we are taking the next step...Chemo #3 here we come!

Let's do this!

Here Today Zoo Tomorrow

2010-05-23T10:23:00.003-05:00

Sarah had plans for this weekend....big plans....plans that were going to make her last weekend, before her third chemo, fun.

She wanted to go to the Milwaukee Zoo with Dave and the boys. They would drive to Milwaukee Saturday, stay overnight and then visit the zoo today. It would be a nice getaway before chemo on Thursday.

She made the plans and told the boys Friday night, when she was feeling good. Excitement was in the air....something to look forward to....something they would do if things were normal.

But, chemo changes things. Chemo changes everything.

Chemo creates a new normal. Chemo creates a new reality....a reality that creeps up on you and changes your understanding of normal.

"The Friday night feeling good normal" became "the Saturday morning I don't feel good at all new normal."

She couldn't do it. She couldn't go. She was too tired. She didn't feel good. She had to tell the boys. The boys had woken up at 4:15 a.m., waited until 6:15 a.m. to wake Sarah and Dave up. They had packed their little bags and were ready to travel.

She had to tell them she couldn't do it....she couldn't go...she didn't feel well enough.

They made other plans. Daddy could take them to the Minnesota zoo while Mommy slept. But, Mommy could take them to Target for a little while in the morning.

We are never prepared for what children understand....and how they are able to think things through and come up with the things they say.

When Sarah was at Target, Derek (5) asked Sarah if he could buy something. Davey (6) leaned over to Derek and said, "Derek, we aren't thinking about ourselves right now."

No, we are never prepared for what children understand.

Two Things That Make Me Smile

2010-05-21T07:39:00.004-05:00

I love the differences between what we call things here and what they are called in Ireland...

Two new examples of this are.....

The other day I was talking to Joe, our friend in Ireland, and he said he had to change the clock in his kitchen to say the correct time. It is high on his kitchen wall and he said he would have to stand on the "hop up." I thought...what? Oh, a step stool. Still makes me smile!

Then, a while ago, we were talking about roads. Joe said something about the dual carriageway. That is what we call a two lane highway. And, what we call a freeway, Joe calls a motorway.

Why does dual carriageway sound so much more romantic than two lane highway?

Now, only moments after I wrote this, I stand corrected.

Dual carriageways can also have two lanes of traffic in each direction with a median (or central reservation) between the lanes.

The new piece I just learned is the lane on the left, closest to the central reservation, is reserved for "overtaking."

Here we just pass the slow cars.

Today

2010-05-18T10:55:00.005-05:00

I don't know what to write. I want to write. As soon as I write something I delete it. Nothing looks right when I sit here and look at my words on the screen. Yet, it feels like there is something that wants to come out.

I love sleeping because when I am sleeping I am not thinking or feeling.

I look out the window as I sit here and see the sun shining through the trees. The leaves aren't moving. There isn't much of a breeze.

I wonder if I will see deer today. Maybe I will see the ducks that visit and eat the bird seed that has fallen from the bird feeder.

My thoughts wander. I am trying to keep my feelings at bay.

The day looms out in front of me with no doctor appointments to keep me busy and my mind occupied.

In the beginning, when Sarah was diagnosed with cancer, there was a feeling of we are going to take care of this. We did. Sarah did.

There were things to do. Get an MRI. Meet with the surgeon. Meet with the plastic surgeon. Meet with the oncologist. Have a double mastectomy. Heal from the surgery. Go to chemo class. Get a port. Go look at wigs. Buy a wig. Buy head wraps and cozies. Watch while Sarah shaved her head in stages because it was inevitable she would lose her hair. Watch while Sarah got injections for her reconstruction.

There were things to do. There was so much to learn. There was so much to remember. It felt like we were doing something. It felt like we were doing the things that gave us some control.

See, this is where I don't have the words. I want to delete now. But, I won't. Because if I did I wouldn't have any better words to put on my screen. It is like when you want to throw up but can't. Maybe this is the cancer dry heaves.

We are waiting now. Chemo has started. Sarah has had two chemo treatments. And, she is feeling worse than she did when she didn't know she had cancer. She felt fine when she didn't know she had cancer. Now that we are doing everything in our power to make her as well as she can be, it feels worse. She feels worse.

I want to delete.

I can't be inside her skin. She can't be inside my skin. There is a powerful sense of us sharing this because we are going through this together.....each from our own side. In this togetherness there is a loneliness.

Now, I really want to delete.

Because all of a sudden I feel.

I guess that is what wanted to come out.

A Little Story

2010-05-14T20:50:00.005-05:00

Dave and the boys came over tonight. Dave brought a meal provided by one of their friends. They had a mission to take care of. The mission was to take Sarah back home with them. She has been staying with me for eight nights since her second chemo treatment.

The side effects from her second chemo treatment have subsided now and she feels well...one might say she feels normal....or is normal relative?

All we know is she was missing her family and they were missing her, and she was well enough and strong enough to go home with them tonight. That is so good!!!

The tradition is that before the little boys leave my house they always get a little snack size baggy of Pringles to take in the van for the ride home.

I was getting the Pringles ready and Davey, (6), was standing by me.

I said, "I love you punkin."

He looked at me.

I said, "Someday, soon , I will tell you that with my whole voice."

(I have bad laryngitis tonight and can hardly make a sound)

He looked at me and whispered, "It doesn't matter."

The look on his face had such love and compassion and understanding.

Was it before or after they left I felt a tear in my eye.

Sarah's Mother's Day Letter To Me

2010-05-14T10:12:00.005-05:00

Thank you, Mom, for being the kind of mom I want to be.

Thank you, Mom, for taking me into your home, willingly and lovingly, while I recover from a double mastectomy, port surgery, and 4 rounds of chemo.

Thank you, Mom, for turning your living room into a recovery room for an unknown length of time.

Thank you, Mom, for taking care of me. For helping me with my drugs. For making sure I eat right. For making sure I sleep when I should.

Thank you, Mom, for coming to all of my appointments, for taking notes and asking questions. Then telling me what was said, even though I was there.

Thank you, Mom, for bringing the fun to the appointments.

Thank you, Mom, for being a great mother-in-law.

Thank you, Mom, for being a great grandma, and for making my boys feel special.

Thank you, Mom, for loving me. No matter what. Through thick and thin. Through cancer and chemo and hair loss. Through laughter and tears.

Thank you, Mom, for listening when I talk and when I cry. And for hearing me when I don’t.

Thank you, Mom, for saying that it’s OK that we didn’t get to celebrate your birthday or Mother’s Day this year. Because I’m alive.

I love you, Mom. I praise God for you!

Happy Mother’s Day!

Sharing and Shaving...or...Sharing the Shaving

2010-05-13T12:49:00.008-05:00

Sunday was Mother's Day. Sarah has been at my house, since the Friday before, when she had her second chemo treatment. Dave and the boys came to visit and we were able to get a few pictures that make it clear why Sarah is doing chemo.

Her cancer was removed when she had her bilateral mastectomy, but with a 19% chance of recurrence, there was never a doubt but that she would do chemo.

Davey (6), Derek (5) and Jackson (22 months) make it worth whatever Sarah has to go through to assure them she is going to be around a long time. And, Dave is behind that 100 %. It is a life event, cancer and chemo, that has altered all our lives every minute of the day and night.

Below are some pictures and a video from the last few days.

Sarah with Derek, Davey and Jackson on Mother's Day

Dave with Derek and Davey on Mother's Day

Ah, this is how picture taking usually goes : )

Sarah shaving her head yesterday...she woke up and the little bit of hair remaining had started to hurt....so off it came

Sarah with Jackson yesterday...the kids don't even seem to notice anymore

And, here is a little video of Sarah shaving her head

Welcome to my world everyone! I mean that with pride and gratitude and true appreciation !

Update On Sarah....Post Second Chemo

2010-05-11T14:38:00.004-05:00

Sarah's second chemo treatment was very different than the first one. The first chemo treatment was like a party. It went so well. Little did we know that the second chemo would be so different.

Sarah is NEVER cold. Sarah is ALMOST ALWAYS too hot. Well, Sarah was cold almost the whole time during the second chemo. In the picture below you can see that Sarah had on a quilt, a little blanket, a heated blanket provided by the nurse and something on her head to keep her head warm.

Below is the Caringbridge entry I wrote on Sarah's behalf today. I wanted to post it on my blog, as well, for those who don't go to Sarah's Caringbridge website.

Dr. Migliori, Sarah's plastic surgeon, said it would hit her someday. The feelings would hit her. And, he was right.

Sarah is riding the low part of the roller coaster the last couple of days.

Sarah is sad....mostly about losing the last of her hair. She used some special tape to hold her wig on securely last week and, when she took her wig off, the tape took some of her remaining hair off as well. That has left some splotchiness on her head. And, her hairline at her forehead is losing hair. We thought about shaving her head, but we can't do that. It is too risky as she has to avoid anything that could possibly give her a scratch or a cut that could get infected.

There is something final about losing the last of her hair. She has had fun with taking charge of losing her hair.....re: the mohawk...but this is different now. Her hair doesn't hurt like it did when she had the mohawk, but she hurts inside. I see it in her eyes and she tells me.

Dr. Migliori said it would hit her. It is. I told her she can take some time to just feel...to just be...sleep...cry...do nothing...let her feelings have a voice...and she is.

On the physical side she pretty much feels like she has the flu 24 hours a day. She wants to eat but nothing sounds good. She is starting to have the muscle aches today and we learned from the nurse practitioner that she can take Oxycodone for those. That was great news! And, the yukky taste in her mouth started today. The nurse practitioner recommended making a mix of water, salt and baking soda to gargle. Sucking on sugar free mints helps too.

She also has a cough. She called Jayne, Dr. Zander's nurse and Jayne called in a prescription for an antibiotic. Her blood levels will be dropping in the next week and after the last chemo her while blood cell count went down to zero. She had NO infection fighting cells. So, caution prevails right now!

She looks at me and says, "I'm sorry mom. It is harder for you. If I were sitting where you are it would be hard to feel so helpless. I would hate to see you going through this."

I would take this from Sarah, in a heartbeat, if I could.

Sarah ends her posts with.......

Let's do this people!

She is doing this! She is my brave, strong, courageous, inspirational child with such a big giving heart and a wonderful attitude.

Somedays are just hard and that is ok to let it show.

I love you Sarah!
mom
xo

Let's do this....all of this....feelings and all!

Left Right Left Right + Postscript

2010-04-14T08:31:00.005-05:00

I slept last night. I prayed for that. I asked God as I lay in the dark to please let me sleep through the night without waking up at 2:00 again. He answered my prayer.

I didn't want strength to get through another day. I wanted sleep. With sleep I will have the strength to get through another day.

Today is a full day. At 11:30 I am going to get my yearly mammogram. This year it is not just a routine appointment. Sarah had her routine mammogram in February and, following my mammogram appointment today, Joe and I will be taking Sarah to Piper Breast Center for the implantation of her port.

What is a port? It is a quarter sized thing implanted in her chest so that chemo can be injected into her body. No, there is no longer such a thing as a routine mammogram in this family.

Sarah will be having a regimen of chemo that involves four chemo treatments. They will be given to her three weeks apart if all goes well. If there are no complications she will be done with chemo around the end of July. If there are complications, such as dehydration or infection , chemo can be interrupted.

Chemo starts in two days, April 16.

Today is as far as I can get. It is Wednesday. I can only take one step at a time. I can do left..right..left...right...left...right. If I keep doing that I will reach nightfall and the days events will be behind me.

Left.....take a shower

Right.......go to my mammogram appointment

Left.....eat lunch

Right.....meet Sarah at Piper Breast Center at 2:00

Left.....get Sarah checked in for her port surgery

Right.....wait in the waiting room for Sarah's surgery to be over

Left....see Sarah in recovery

Right.....bring Sarah home to my house for the night

Left.....get settled in at home

Right....kiss my sweet daughter good night and tuck her in

Left....go to bed

Right....pray for sleep as I lay in the dark

See?

Left...right...works...

One step at a time....

Gets you where you need to go....

Always.

Postscript..........

Laughing I think! Did I mention detours and running into the unexpected things along the path as we go left...right...left...right?

I have new left...rights now...just an hour after I did my post.

Sarah is no longer coming home to my house following her port surgery. She is going to go home to her house. Derek needs her. All the boys need her. They need her home.

So, my left...rights will be different than I thought today.

I know to stand still when my course changes and get the layout of the new road before I take my next step.

Stand still and breathe.

That is my next step.

Stand still and breathe.

Sometimes

2010-04-05T08:11:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I just want to talk to my mom.

From Sarah's Caring Bridge Site Journal + Note From Mom

2010-03-18T08:37:00.004-05:00

I couldn't get to sleep last night. Despite the pain pills. I think it's because Mom shut off the lights unusually early. Like 10:30 p.m.!

So I laid there in the dark. And every 2 hours I got up to take more pills.

And I thought about how lucky I am. And the many, many blessings I have received since this diagnosis.For one, my mom. Mom and I have had some really wonderful time together. She is with me all the time. She helps me with everything. But my favorite part is when we go to bed, and lay there together, holding hands and talking. Like it's a slumber party. This is one of the biggest blessings I've gotten out of this whole thing.

Another blessing is being able to spend so much time with Joe. He came from Ireland, for me. To be with ME! He's been there for every little thing. Including pre-op, post-op, the hospital stay, and all the time we've had together since I've come home to Mom's house. It's nice to just "be" with Joe. When we're not rushing, chasing after the boys, or at Perkin's. :) There is so much to love about Joe, and I get to learn more every day.

I've also fallen in love with Dave in a new way. I almost feel like we're meeting again for the first time. My love for him is grounded and yet so fresh. It's nice for me to see him every day when he brings the boys over. Dave is being his regular, wonderful self. I've just got a fresh appreciation for all that he does and all that he is. I am so lucky. He is the best husband in the world. :)

I miss my kids. That, itself, is a blessing . As a stay at home mom, I don't get the opportunity to miss them. ;) I actually MISS them. And I'm excited to see them every day after school. What a blessing. I love my boys. I really do.

Another blessing for me has been my friends. Some friendships have been strengthened and some new friendships have been made. I have been on the receiving end of the best side of people.

I feel so lucky and blessed.Those are some of the best blessings I've received so far. There are more. I'll talk about those later. :)

Today I see Dr. Migliori. I don't know why he's seeing me, but I've got a list of questions for him. I'm sure he will be part of my blessing list later today.

Thank you ALL. Thank you ALL for everything that you do for me. Big and small. Loud and quiet. Signed and initialed.You all are blessings to me.

Let's do this!

We're doing this!

*****Note to Sarah from mom******

I love you sarah. We all, me, dad, joe, dave, the kids and your friends didn't know what to expect. You didn't know what to expect. This whole thing has been and continues to be a whirlwind of emotions and needs of multiple dimensions. It and you have touched us all physically, emotionally and spiritutally.

You have written from the beginning.......LET'S DO THIS!

You have done this! We have done this! We will continue to do this! All of us!

And, my sweet child, I can feel your hand in mine as I sit here and wait to hear your breathing change so I will know you are finally sleeping and getting some needed rest.

I love you...shhhh...nite nite! xo

My Best Birthday Present

2010-03-16T14:11:00.002-05:00

Yes.....today is my birthday! And, I got the best birthday present a mother could get. My daughter is cancer free!

Cancer free!

C A N C E R F R E E

A birthday present I didn't know I would enjoy so much is my beautiful cancer free daughter on drugs............

Here is what she said to me a few minutes ago.....

"Mom, so many people on facebook are wishing you a Merry Christmas...I mean Happy Birthday whatever your name is."

Thank you Sarah! I love you!

Love
Mom
xo

God Is Good.......

2010-03-15T10:51:00.003-05:00

I am writing this post from the couch in my fireplace room. As I look out the back window I see some blue sky ... mostly clouds .. but as I look into the front room I see my daughter. I see Sarah sitting in the bed I made for her.

There is some soft music playing....she is sitting up doing something on her laptop....the lights are on.....and in a half hour I will be giving her the next dose of meds .. 11:30 a.m. she will get her muscle relaxant and her antibiotic.

Yes........we are home. Sarah had her surgery last Friday.

I don't even know where or how to begin to tell you. As I try to think of the words sitting here on my couch.......I guess I haven't really talked about it much yet...it has been so busy.....

All I want to do is cry....my throat is thick...my chest is overwhelmed with gratitude for so many things.

Sarah is ok...Sarah is good....Sarah as far as we know, barring the final pathology report, is cancer free. They did the bilateral mastectomy and removed the sentinel node (main gateway to the lymphatic system) and one other node. Both came back negative. When the surgeon told us that that is when I melted. I didn't know I had stopped breathing for so many hours.

I will write more as we settle into a routine. The only routine we have had is to be doing whatever was needed and with my apologies I am so sorry I didn't have the time to do a post. I also know this post will reach understanding hearts.

Sarah is good. Sarah is home at my house right now. Sarah is healing. Sarah is beautiful. Sarah is cancer free.

The story will go on for a long time. We are at the beginning. We will write more chapters and with all my heart I thank everyone for their love, care, support, prayers, pink hair, pink clothes, pink thoughts and all the hugs and kisses...real and virtual.

From my heart,
Judy

Please Wear Pink

2010-03-11T21:57:00.003-06:00

Hi everyone..............it is a small thing to ask....some of you have already said you would do this...you said you would wear pink to support my daughter, Sarah, as she faces her day of surgery tomorrow.

If I can sit in the surgery waiting room.....the family lounge.....it will be six hours or so.....and think of all of you wearing something pink.........it would be wonderful!

If you don't have anything pink to wear.........maybe you could just think pink? Maybe even say a prayer or two.

If you want to visit Sarah's caring bridge site......just go to www.caringbridge.org

Sarah's website is ........ sarahww

Just type sarahww into where it says website to visit and then put in your email address and a password. You will be able to read her journal and truly understand what she is facing tomorrow. The guestbook responses have been incredible and so meaningful.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart!

Me with my three pink hair extensions

Session With Myself...Sometimes I Feel Big..Sometimes I Feel Little

2010-03-11T08:08:00.004-06:00

I am a big person. I mean like a grown-up. I can do things. I can think things through. I am capable. I work....drive a car....figure things out...solve problems...make things happen....I am efficient....strong.....I am a lot of things. I can do.....if you want something done.....call me....if I can I will....

This has been a time, in the last few weeks, of being all of those things.

Makes me smile. I am an in charge person. Yep...that would be me....a lot of the time.

And, then, this morning.....

I felt overwhelmed........tired.....weary......and I said to myelf......"No...no...no...you can't...you have too much coming up...you have to do things..."

And, then I cried....covered my face with my hands....stopped to breathe...and then cried again...and stopped to breathe....

And, then I said...."Ohhhhhhhhhhhh....ok......ok........ok......."

And, then I knew I would be able to do all that I had to do. I listened to myself. I knew the tears were coming from another part of me.

She is little and scared and vulnerable. And, she just needed me to remember that she was there. And, I could say......"Ok.......I hear you and I won't forget." And, then I breathed. Clear down. And, the tears quieted.

She is pretty sweet and she isn't big at all....but she gives me so much strength and helps me get and stay clear and remain soft.

I am ready now for what is coming. Yes, I am. And, I end all sessions with myself with the same words.

I love you Judy!

A Picture Speaks A Million Words

2010-03-09T22:47:00.002-06:00

Sometimes it is hard. The boys feel it. The boys feel something. They just don't have words.

We were all having supper at Perkins tonight after picking Joe up from the airport. Davey said his tummy hurt. But, then he said he burped and he felt better. I know that he has been wanting to snuggle with his mom. If only a burp could make everything better.

If only............

Sunday March 7 Taking Care Of The Boys

2010-03-09T08:27:00.014-06:00

(Walking In The Sunshine) Please click to play.

It was a day of sunshine with Davey, Derek and Jackson even though the clouds hung overhead.

After church I went back to their house and watched the boys while Sarah napped. Jackson slept for a long time and I sat outside while Davey and Derek rode their bikes and Davey practiced moves on his scooter.

Here are some pictures from our nice afternoon.

Derek being really scary

Derek making a funny face

Derek being his sweet self

Derek surrounded by snow thanks to gramma's handiwork

Up and down the driveway

Derek on his bike and Davey on his coveted scooter

Davey practicing on his scooter

Davey in action

Davey loves his new helmet

Jackson woke up from his nap to yummy pepperoni pizza

Jackson really really liked his pizza

Man oh man.......was that good!

And, that was the day the boys and I had while mommy napped!

Cute Little Video After Bed Shopping

2010-03-06T18:10:00.004-06:00

After shopping for beds, Sarah, Jackson and I went to Perkins for lunch. During lunch Sarah called Joe in Ireland and Jackson had to talk to him. Just imagine....a little 20 month old boy in Minnesota talking to his Godfather in Ireland. The wonders of technology! Jackson is so cute! And, he loves the phone!

Bed Shopping And Room Setup For Sarah's Recovery

2010-03-06T13:11:00.021-06:00

What could be more exciting than deciding to put a king size adjustable bed in your living room? Not a lot. Not a lot if you are me. Well, if I stop to think about it I could maybe think of some other things....but this last week that was exactly my mission.

I invited Sarah to join me for the bed shopping. I knew where I wanted to go. I was headed, on Wednesday morning last (that phrasing is so Irish...thank you Joe) , to the factory direct store Comforest, U.S.A. The owner introduced adjustable beds thirty five years ago and they make the beds right there. They have designed their mattress specifically to work on the adjustable base and will custom design the base to specifications to fit the buyer's body within certain parameters.

I ended up purchasing a bed which I knew I would do. Once I tried it I was SOLD!

Sarah will be sleeping on it during her recovery and then it will be moved up to my bedroom. I bet there just might be some nights that I sleep with her so I can take care of her throughout the night.

Dave might spend some nights at home with the boys and get them off to school if they want to keep a little more normal routine....at least some of the time. (Our meeting with Dr. Migliori was so positive that Sarah's recovery seems like it will be shorter and easier than we once thought).

The bed was delivered yesterday. Below are some pictures that show the initial setup and the finished room from different angles.

There is enough room for people to sit and visit and to walk on either side of the bed. The colors are soft and Sarah will be able to have it as dark or light as she wants and with as much privacy as she wants. I was so pleased with how it turned out.

The king size bed has dual x long twin mattresses. The wheels lock and the beds stay together yet can be moved apart easily to make the bed.

The edges of the mattress are designed so even though they meet in the middle you can't feel the split or where they meet. This allows each mattress to be adjusted individually.

Each base can be built to fit partners of different heights and weights. So a 6 ft person living with a 5 ft person would have different bases. I think that is so slick. Each side has a wireless remote so each person can raise and/or lower the head and foot as desired.

We put sheer panels on the glass french doors so Sarah can have privacy even if people are in the adjoining fireplace room. They look so airy and soft and do just what I wanted them to do.

This is the view into the new room from the front door hallway. It is nice because there are solid french doors that can be closed for privacy.

This is how the new sheers look from the fireplace room. They give a nice sense of privacy without feeling like you are being closed off from where people will be when Sarah is resting.

You might wonder what I did with some of the furniture that is usually in my living room. Two wingback chairs and an antique chest were moved into my formal dining room.

I found places for them that make the dining room look ok too. I really didn't want any of the rooms in the house to look like they were storage rooms. I don't think they do.

The two wingback chairs fit perfectly in beside the buffet. That made me really happy.

And, the antique chest went right where it always goes at Christmas time. That was a perfect fit.

Maybe it seems funny to have such a focus right now.

My daughter has cancer.

Saying those words creates feelings of fear and helplessness. When I knew I could bring her and her family home it gave me hope, joy and strength. I felt somehow empowered.

There was something I could control. It felt good. It still does.

The thought of hearing Sarah's sounds in my house, whatever they may be, helps me breathe. Sarah has good sounds. She has a great laugh and I know I will hear it beyond the pain that I know is going to accompany us on this journey.

Creating Sarah's recovery room gave me something to do. I am a doer when I experience a loss or have a fear of a loss. And, boy, did I do! I can now walk toward next week with a sense that everything is going to be ok. And, I know it is. Dr. Migliori has every confidence it will be too.

Every time I read that last sentence I breathe.

Dr. Migliori has confidence it will be ok.

Surgery is Friday, March 12th. And, tomorrow I will go to Sarah's church and hear her read scripture and go home with her and help with the boys.

It will be the beginning of the week that I am entrusting my child to the people who will take care of her when I can't.

God knows too. God will be taking care of all of us. Into Thy hands we commend ourselves.

Getting Ready

2010-03-04T22:32:00.003-06:00

I know it is already late and I am on my way to bed. I know I haven't written anything for a day...maybe two...I don't remember.

I worked hard today. I am getting the front room ready for Sarah to come home to recover. I am going to put a bed in the front room. I bought a new bed. It is a Kingsize Comforest Adjustable bed. It has two twin mattresses. Dave will be able to sleep beside her and not disturb her. The boys will, in time, be able to be on one mattress...close to their mom, and not disturb her.

I have bought room darkening shades...sort of .. that I can block out the light in the room. The room can be shut off with french doors.

This is what I can do. I can create a quiet, dark when needed, serene recovery room for my child. I will put a baby monitor in that room so I will be able to hear her if she needs anything.

I can do things. I wish I could take it away. I can't.

Gonna Bring Them Home

2010-03-02T12:37:00.002-06:00

It is 12:37 p.m. Just after noon. I am smiling. I am happy. I am relieved. The sun is shining. I talked to Sarah.

I made a suggestion. I said, "I would like you to think about coming here after the hospital for your recovery.....all of you."

She talked to Dave. Dave said, "What a blessing and a gift."

We will figure it out....how to get the boys to school...where everyone will sleep....food...someone will always be here with her.....we will make sure of that.....the problems to solve feel simple now...at least to me.

Now, I am in my element. I am Sarah's mom and I am bringing my daughter and her family home. I can hardly breathe. I am bringing them all home. They are my family and I am bringing them home.

Life's Curbs

2010-03-02T07:19:00.006-06:00

What was yesterday? Oh, yes. It was Monday. I can't remember. I thought I didn't talk to Sarah yesterday. Except for late last night. But, I did. She called in the morning to tell me Dr. Migliori's office called. We are going to see Dr. Migliori this Friday. Friday, March 2, 2010.

It was the call we were waiting for. It was a wait that lasted from Friday to Monday. Time has no meaning. Yes, it does. Time means everything right now.

The meeting with Dr. Migliori is the beginning of the next.....how many weeks and maybe months?

Dr. Migliori is the plastic surgeon. Sarah, Dave and I will talk with him about the choice Sarah wants for her reconstruction surgery. He will talk with Dr. Bretzke and then the hospital operating room will be scheduled for her bilateral mastectomy.

It is what we are waiting for. It is what we don't want to be waiting for.

The breast center called Sarah yesterday too. They have scheduled her to meet with the oncologist on Friday, March 26. His name is Dr. Zander. I think that is what Sarah told me late last night. Maybe he isn't a he but a she. We have been told that meeting usually comes two weeks after surgery. That would mean surgery will probably be next week or early in the next week.

Facts...guesses...it is what we have for today...

Except for curbs...I have curbs....life curbs.........

The things that keep me from going over the edge....you know like the curbs along a narrow two lane road in the old days...now the curbs have been replaced with those bumpy things that make noise when you veer too far to the side of the road.....or are coming up to a stop.

My curbs..........family, friends, faith, hope, belief, age, wisdom, laughter, my funny way of seeing things...........curbs........the things that keep me mostly in the center of the road......and the sunshine...and when the sun isn't shining....the sky......

The sky giving me a kiss and a hug.......I love the sky

As I write I am getting back inside myself. I was outside myself when I started. I write and I heal. I think. I feel. And, then I can do. And, I am doing this with my daughter.

She calls me. She has a thought and the phone rings. We talk.

I am back now. I can say that with a smile. It is time to do what I can do for today.

It Has Been One Week...Picture And Sound Track At Bottom

2010-03-01T08:34:00.006-06:00

It has been a week...one week...one week...one incredible week..since we learned Sarah has cancer.

I went to the grocery store yesterday. Now, I have been to the grocery store hundreds...maybe even thousands of times..I know my way around a grocery store.

But, yesterday I found myself walking down the aisles, getting to the end and wondering if I needed anything from that aisle. I don't know how many times I backtracked. I had to close my eyes and reopen them to see the items on the shelves. I had to make myself focus. It just goes to show that something we have done successfully hundreds, and maybe even thousands of times, doesn't always come naturally.

So, today is Monday. It is the day we have been waiting for. Today is the day we hope to hear from Dr. Migliori, the plastic surgeon. He is the man we want to hear from. How things proceed depend on his call. He is the next step. He is the next step in our journey to our destination.

The destination............getting it gone...getting it out....being without it...it...it..it..the cancer.

It has been one week...one incredible week...

Here is how it happened..here is what led up to our one incredible week...I don't even know if that sentence makes any sense...keep reading...it might...

2/11 - routine mammogram

2/17 - call to come in and get a 2nd mammogram

2/18 - 2nd mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy

2/22 - diagnosed with breast cancer (the start of our one incredible week)

2/23 - breast MRI

2/25 - met with surgeon, had chest Xray and blood work done

3/1 - monday is finally here and we will be expecting to...
get a call from the plastic surgeon...Dr. Migliori

meet with Dr. Migliori

Dr. Migliori will consult with Dr. Bretzke...the surgeon

they will coordinate their schedules with the operating room availability at Abbott Northwestern Hospital....Sarah's total time in the operating room will be about four hours

Sarah will undergo a sentinel node biopsy to check for any nodes that are affected...a simple mastectomy (bilateral) and reconstruction surgery

prior to surgery Sarah will schedule a pre-op

Sarah will have surgery...time in the hospital will depend on the kind of reconstruction chosen as will the recovery time

Sarah will then have an appointment to meet with an oncologist

Further treatment will depend on what is learned in the surgery

It has been one week...yes...one incredible week and the journey hasn't even really begun yet..amazing......it is like we have just been looking at the map...the map of where we are going and deciding the route we will take...it has been one week!

But, yesterday Kara, Sarah, Dave, Davey, Derek and Jackson came over to the house. I had food. Yep..I had food. Buy food and they will come : )

And, before they went home Davey wanted us all to go up to the Thomas the Train room with the magic lights and be together. (Kara had already gone home by then)

We made a love pile on the bed. All of us, except Grandpa who had the camera, made a love pile.

We laughed and talked and laughed. Then we laughed some more. And, we were together. That is how we do things.

There were six in the bed and the little one said..."I want to jump on Gramma!"

(Sound track from our love pile last night)

The Emotional Tsunami

2010-02-28T10:57:00.005-06:00

(Dante's Prayer) Please click to play

Dear God.........Give us.....

it is coming

our peaceful shore is going to be hit

wave by wave

some big

some small

it has not even been a week

we have done a lot

to prepare

we can't stop it

it is coming

even when we don't see the waves

we feel them just below the surface

it is brewing

rumbling

building speed

and power

we are going to be hit

it is coming

it has to come

so it can be over

(I wrote this today in response to emotions that are starting to surface and come in waves as our family faces Sarah's cancer....our family is weathering its own tsunami...)

Gramma Is Available

2010-02-27T11:02:00.006-06:00

Sarah, Dave, Davey (6) Jackson (20 months) and Derek (4)

It was 10:10 a.m. and the phone rang.

Gramma........."Hello"

Davey......"Hi"

Gramma....."Hi Punkin! How's my punkin today?"

Davey........"I'm glad you're available."

Gramma...."I'm here honey."

Davey......"I don't want to be alone."

Gramma....."How come?"

Davey....."I'm scared."

Gramma......"Ok darling. I'll be here."

It's 11:10 a.m.

Punkin and I are still together.

He is playing computer games and I am listening.

Every now and then he says something.

I clip my cordless phone onto my shirt and go about the things I think I need to get done.

They will get done.

They always do.

First I will be a gramma.

Life is changing at his house.

I am glad I am available.